Luke 2:9-11
9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.
I can't believe one person can make you re-think so many things about what you are and what you think. I'm not saying this is a bad thing at all, it's just crazy to me. The whole going back and forth on love thing is really getting annoying. I wish I could just know what I think about it and the more I'm with him the more my mind goes in the opposite direction than it has in the past. I have actually been pretty happy and it is the weirdest thing to feel like someone cares about me. In fact, it's hard to let someone care about me. I know that might sounds weird but I feel like someone just has to tear my guard down sometimes to get to me. I wish I could just let people care. I think I have spent so much time building up my defense wall that I can't even get past it. I am trying really hard to let him in more and more. I want to let people care. More than anything. As much as I am scared shitless when people care, I feel more safe than I have ever felt since my dad died.
"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know WHO I AM"
love you.
This weekend for Thanksgiving I went to visit Julianne in Tennessee. As much as it did not feel like Thanksgiving, it was really nice to get away from everything that is Webster Groves. We just chilled out and caught up. We watched so many movies it wasn't even funny. She made me watch Twilight and then drug me to see New Moon. Which I will admit really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I defintely enjoyed going. Robert Pattinson and Taylor Laughter and their sexyness really made the movie. lol :) I was also introduced to Charlie Bartlett and Ellen Degeneres stand up comedy. ELLEN. IS. SO. FUNNY. She is so right about so many things. We walked around Knoxville a bit and walked around Market Square which is super cute--especially with all of the Christmas stuff going around. I also inherited some money with Michael Jackson's face on it and it talked about God and your eternity on the back. haha. Anyways, I am really happy that I got to go this weekend. I feel refreshed and more accepting about having to work my ass off for the rest of the semester. :)
In other news:
WEBSTER WON STATE!!!! 31-14! KICK. ASS. Whoohoo!
_________________________________________________________________
I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
This is the moment
It's on the line
Which way you're gonna fall
In the middle
Between wrong and right
But you know afterall
It's your life
Whatcha gonna do
The world is watching you
Everyday the choices you make
Say what you are
and who your heart beats for
Its an open door
It's your life
Are you who you
Always said you would be
With a sinking feeling in your chest
Always waiting
On someone else to fix you
Tell me when do you forget
It's your life
Whatcha gonna do
The world is watching you
Everyday the choices you make
Say what you are
and who your heart beats for
Its an open door
You can live the way you believe
This is your opportunity
To let your life be one that lights the way
Francesca Battistelli - It's Your Life
Yeah so, you know that whole "love" thing I have posted about in the past. I think it is now confusing me more than ever. I guess I should just accept the fact that it always will and whether I believe in it or not I should just have some fun and think about it minimally.
Oh, by the way, tonight was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. The DJ sucked, but whatevs. Afterwards was prettty much amazing too. :]
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
So while I have the time to blog I might as well say something about my life that's worth reading. So since I've last blogged a lot has happened.
- The Wizard of Oz is over which is a really good thing and at the same time it's not so. I feel extremely relieved that it's over even though I kind of miss the good things about it. I miss all the challenges it through at me but I don't miss the stress that it caused. I did inherit a mouse though. His name is Wizard. :] We're pretty tight, I'm not gonna lie.
- Laura and I are both resigning from being Thespian officers due to many reasons and I never thought this would happen but at the same time I think it is a necessary thing. I used to be completely in love with thespians and now it's just another pain in my back and the reason I did it in the first place was to have fun with theatre and we're not doing any theatre so it's a waste of my time. I will not put the rest on here just because I don't really want to and it will just frustrate me.
- The friendship dance is tonight and I'm going with Asa and we are dragging Joanna along. lol. We are trying to stop her from being a bum and sitting alone and we are succeeding lol. I am really excited to go to the dance. I need a night of fun and not thinking and I'm hoping tonight will be the night. I really need a night that doesn't involve a lot of thinking because I have been doing way to much of it lately. And I don't see any sort of a drunk night coming any time soon so really tonight has to be my escape.
- My grades kind of suck balls right now. the end.
- Even though I've been stressed out and not wanting to deal with shit lately, I can't help but smile sometimes. There's just been some really good things going on--I wont go into detail on here though since I think some family reads this. haha sorryyy.
Ludo was really amazing. Just what I needed. Now I just need a shower after touching all those people and sweating like a beast. lol. Only one thing could have made the night better and I'm sorry the original plans couldn't work out to make it that way. Things are the way they are though and I'm dealing.
Over all this night went well! :]
I've decided: I don't have time for drama. I'm having fun this weekend! :]
Thursday: Hang out with Julie, Go to the Mall, Sleep over with Catherine using the "Catherine plan of action"--It was awesome and a wonderful break.
Friday: Clean Room (DONE!) , Laundry (ALMOST DONE!) , Hang out with Julie (TO BE CONTINUED...), Lunch and hanging with Danille, Fright Fest, Partay!
Saturday: Work, (undecided)
Sunday: Work, Homework to the max, (undecided)
- The Wizard of Oz (WOoZ)=frustrating and fun.
- Monkey costumes are a pain in the ass.
- How can you be friends with people you never see or talk to? You tell me.
- Drama is pointless.
- Painting relaxes me.
- I have a D in two classes.
- I had no idea untill today.
- Anna has a tight foriegn exchange student.
- Germans are cool.
- Siren annoy me more than they used to.
- I have way too much number OCD--evens only pleasssee.
- My age= the devil.
- Boys= ugh.
- Collge shit needs to get DONE.
- I am getting more confident about college.
- I love baked gooodddsss. Way. Too. Much.
- I don't understand physics.
- I wish I did.
- Glee. Enough said.
- I miss summer and really hot weather.
- I want to go to California to be in the sun now.
- I need to feel comfortable in a swim suit first.
- Can't I just visit Cristina now?
- I just realized I was sitting on my car keys?
- It made me giggle.
- This has been a pretty good weekend.
- I hope this week goes well.
- I miss my friends.
- The end.
1. Read this: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/09/17/false-rape-accusations-and-rape-culture/
2. Read this: (It is an article commenting on the first link ^) http://mensnewsdaily.com/2009/09/17/yawning-at-hofstra/
3. This is another article by Paul Elam (The author of the article in number 2)
http://mensnewsdaily.com/2009/09/04/to-man-up-or-man-down/
--Blog comming soon.
They piss me the fuck off and I don't understand how they can deal with all the drama they do. They all feed off of it. It's ridiculous and somehow I get stuck in it. What the fuck? Goddamn this is not worth my time. I just want MY friends to feel better and fuck everyone else.
All I can say is: This has been the most bipolar week and weekend. So many emotions and binding moments. To think you can become even better friends with people when everyone is upset all at the same time for different things. It's cool to know I have people in my life that will be there for me even though they are going through their own shit and vice versa. Even though I feel like shit and hate everything going on it really makes me see some of the beauty in people.
I'll update with more later.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
Today during rehearsal (The Wizard of Oz) we got through a good section of munchkin land. It was really nice to just be on stage expressing myself. It felt good to laugh and dance and just be crazy. I love getting into character and just getting out there. It's a feeling like no other. As much as I love technical theatre, it really is a nice break to be on the other side. I have a few lines in munchkin land too so it's been fun. My dance partner is my friend Joanna and we have been having a blast. I never thought I would go back to being friends with her again after last year, but I guess we just got past it. It's better to just forgive and move on--no matter how big it is. On Thursday we will continue with Munchkin land and finish up the blocking and dance. I just keep getting really excited for the second act. I have dreamed of tumbling on that stage since I got to this school and I will finally be able to! It will be a good experience being a flying monkey!
since my mother and i have never gotten along my dad and i were the ones that bonded
my dad and i were really close
he contracted diabetes when he was 12 and was not suppost to live past 18
he lived till he was 49
in 2006
we were at a dog thing in forest park and something started happening to him
he started to feel numb and it would travel throughout his body
we went to the hospital and they didn't know what it was so they sent him home--this was july 8th.
after my 8th grade year he was put on dialysis so he was already not doing too well
those episodes started happening more and more and we have land down in the country and i remember one happening down there. it was the only time i had ever seen him cry--just me and him
my hero was crashing.
so that was the last time we went to our land.
the last week in august we made another trip to the hospital
by this time they had gotten so bad that he could no longer talk he could only mumble to get what he wanted i sat in emergency with him until a doctor would take him in
that night they took him in to stay over night
they did some tests and still weren't sure what was going on. they thought that they could have been strokes but couldn't really tell us.
the next day we brought him home and he was really loopy because of all the drugs they had him on
he was really happy though
but i knew something still wasn't right
everyone just told me i was freaking out though.
the next day my 10 year old cousin was over and we were hanging out
my dad was on the couch and i heard coughing so i went in and saw that he had choked on his drink--his mouth was numb. another episode.
i called my mom and told her and she told me to chill out and we got off the phone.
my dad had made his way to the front porch and i had to help him in. i sat him in a rocker and he tried to stand up numerous times and he ended up breaking the chair
i called my older cousin who was my 10 year old cousins mom and told her what was going on and she told me to call 911
with her on the phone and my cousin next to me i called.
by the time they showed up he had gone into a diabetic coma (he couldn't take his insulin because he was to drugged up and having an episode) and i had to answer to the peremedics on my own
it hurt to see them screaming his name and him not being able to even respond
the neighbor came over in the middle of it
by the time they got to the hospital he had had a big seizure and heart attack
they put him in ICU and we waited
Today
12:00amStevie
he didn't respond to us.
he squeezed my hand once.
he talked once when he said "fuck you" to the nurse and 2 am when he pulled out his feeding tube
when he actually woke up it was my highschool oorientation day and i wasn't allowed to go see him and talk to him because of it. mother just wouldn't let me go.
the last 10 minutes of it my sister came up to the school and they called me out. thats when i knew i lost him.
i never got to say goodbye
he told my brother he was dying 2 weeks before it happened and not me
he tried to talk to me about what would happen if he died more than once but i wouldn't let him because i was scared of what he would say
now i wish i did
Sending:
i dont know if he's proud of me
i dont know what he thinks
i just know that the person who meant the most to me "my hero"--i had to watch suffer
he doesn't know who i am anymore
he has missed one of the biggest steps in my life
i was there by MYSELF.
taking care of MYSELF.
i had to learn EVERYTHING all over again because of my mother.
i learned to take care of myself.
the stages thing my mother likes to take credit for but that was ME. I have to work for things on my own.
except money that was left for me.
i just need to stop wishing that he would be here
sometimes all i want is just a hug from him
and for him to tell me it's okay
or that he IS proud of me
but none of that i will never hear.
or know for sure.
I learned to become my own hero. I have become my father. I have grown in so many ways.
So I hate it when I sit down with all these thoughts in my head and I can't sort through them enough to write a decent post. There is just so much going on. There are issues with school, friends, college...etc.
I guess when things are more sorted thorough I will be able to write...until then I just felt the need to say that I can not keep up with my own thoughts.
This weekend I feel like I got a lot accomplished. I have cleaned my room, cleaned out my car, run errands, finished some of my "to do" list, done homework (except physics because I'm getting help tomorrow), worked on updating and reorganizing my resume (most. stressful. thing. ever.)and pretty much finished it, and even did chores. I hung out with multiple people and had some alone time. I think every weekend should have 3 days. I feel like the reason I don't get a lot done is because I only have 2 days to relax after the crazy week and then get to work on things. I'm happy I got some things done and I feel accomplished for once. lol
I found a way to make some money this weekend too. I will be working at the Thomas the Tank Engine extravaganza again this year for a few weekends in October. I'm only making 10 dollars an hour but I should be able to make a pretty good amount so that will be nice. My job searching will be a least a little bit less stressful.
Overall, I think I had a decent weekend.
So even though there has been about a million things for me to blog about I just failed with having motivation. Now I guess I have a lot to talk about...
1: I am in the Wizard of Oz this fall at school. I decided that it's my last year and I might as well. I really love being in shows and this is kind of my last chance. I am a flying monkey, munchkin, and they want me to be and ozian too. We'll see how that goes though because the costume change would be 5 minutes and I have full face make-up. So in reality, I don't see it happening. I think I'll just have to sing from off stage. That's all good though because my dream is finally coming true. I get to tumble on that stage before I leave! Last week was all music and it is surprisingly really hard for most of us. The part with the poppies is so weird and ridiculous so this week has been a bit frustrating especially with the cough I've had. My voice has been completely useless 2 days this week.
2: I miss stages extremely bad. I haven't been able to go back since school started because it's been so hectic. I hate it. I loved it there so much and now the people that I worked with there are gone. I learned so much and took so much from it. Especially from Caitlin. She has been through things in her life and I love talking to people like that. The thing that sucks about theatre is that it's a traveling job so it becomes hard to keep in touch with everyone. After being in school I feel like I'm not growing in my academics and as a person. Something just feels like it's missing. Guys & Dolls with Stages opens next Wednesday and I will be seeing it and I can't tell you how excited I am! I hope one day I will have another experience equally as good as this one or better because I don't think I could live without it.
3: Thespians. I have been so bipolar when thinking about this. It's been obnoxious and annoying and for some reason I keep sticking to it. For a long time I was in love with it. I guess I feel like I have just grown up a lot and I am just bitter when it comes to dealing with people in high school and high school events. They just frustrate me. I can look at Thespians from a positive perspective though so hopefully it will brighten up.
4: I've been hanging out with one of my cousins a lot lately. I don't know if it's because I don't have any friends or if we just ended up hanging out. Regardless of the reason I really like it. I wish we would have hung out more throughout my high school career because now I am going to leave and she will still be here at meremac. We have a lot of fun together and she likes to laugh and bitch about the world, people, and family just as much as I do. It's nice to hang out with people I haven't hung out with in a long time. As much as I miss my other friends I am happy I am bonding with a part of my family. lol. Weird right?
5: In English we have started to work on college essays a bit. The point of a college essay is to show off myself and the fact that I have some maturity. I was told to pick a topic/story/experience and then find out the specific reason why it helped make me who I am today. Of course, I chose my dad dying as my topic because there is so much that happened that morphed me into what I am now. The problem is that I need to be specific and there has to be a point. I just don't know what my point is. I could write about my dad and how that one moment in my life changed me forever for pages and pages. Unfortunately, a typical college essay should
be about a page to a page and a half. So really, that gives me nothing and for once in my life I am going to have a problem with cutting down my work rather than adding some pretty bullshit to lengthen it. I think I just need to talk it out with someone. Mr. Conway said that he would conference with me sometime next week after school, but I think that might be weird. I don't know I'll see what happens. I just know that I have been thinking about this constantly and It's driving me nuts. lol. It's like massive writers block.
6: That BOY. The only thing I have to say: DOUCHE BAG. The end. I'm done.
7: After Stages and family vacation I have realized I am a very feminist person. I always thought I wasn't really, but now I can see so much of it in me and I just get very heated and angry very fast. I am not a feminist to the point where I wouldn't take my husbands last name yet though...
At Stages all the boys there were obnoxious about women. They never outright said anything about them but you could see it in other ways. One of them always talked about how he went to visit his girl friend and how they fucked. I never heard anything about this girl besides the fact that the did it. She's not an object. Also, at Stages, Caitlin was a carpenter and a GIRL. She was the only one there with an actual theatre degree and she was constantly shoved aside. They treated her differently and I am the one who got to see it happen. She would always work in a different part of the shop and not with the guys and she never went to the theater with the guys. They never said they didn't want her in there but it was almost as if "there wasn't any room" because she has a vagina and boobs. There were two days when I was furious about that. It still pissed me off though.
Family vacation: I've talked about my family. Let's lay it out shall we? Here are the standards in my family:
MEN: Work on cars, fix things, play with fire, get messy, all that shit. Do everything considered "manly".
WOMEN: Cook, clean, take care of kids, all the things "women should do". but here's the catch, if men need help or can't do something, women in my family still have to take on the "manly roles" as well. That's it. No questions asked. To be honest, I can't stand it.
you are a: douche bag. liar. ass wipe. to think i used to think you cared. to THINK we were GOOD friends. wow. now i can see why things happen for you the way they do...because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself...
i'm over it. now it's up to you to fix things if you want them to be.
- college essay
- physics
- spanish
- the wizard of oz
- clean room
- clean out car
- get car inspected
- relax
- breathe
- de-stress
- chocolate
- 100 years of solitude
- the house of the spirits
- six flags
- monkey
- munchkin
- internship
- A+
- scenic artistry
- college
- high school
- drama
- escaping
- running away
- staying forever
- feminism
Tonight I hung out with one of my very best friends Catherine. I felt like I hadn't seen her in so long and it was fantastic to be able to just talk and freak out and just laugh with her. We have a relationship like no other and she is a person in my life that I think I will be friends for a really long time if not forever. I love that we go so far back and that we can talk about so much. I never feel like I can't be myself around her and no matter how stupid I act she will always be there for me. She will be one of the people I will have a hard time leaving when college rolls around... But until then we will just continue chasing cars. :)
You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry,
I'm fine But I know it's a lie
[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie
[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
The last night away from me
[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on Tonight Tonight
[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
[Altro:]
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me
"The Last Night" -Skillet
Today I was genuinely happy. I really was. It was so nice to laugh as much as I did today. Thank you to the weekend, my cousins, and Stages.
<3
1: In 16 days my dad will be dead for 3 years. I can't believe how long it has been because it really feels like it's been an eternity. I think I might not go to school that day. This year it's been bothering me a lot earlier than last year. I'm not sure why but it has been on my mind a lot more. It's weird because not that many people really remember it or think about it on that day. My best friend really doesn't even know anything about it. No one really asks anymore or It has become old news to them. In reality, it really is old news but to me it's like just yesterday it is so important to me to care about it still. He has missed so much of my life and he will now be missing my senior year and then me graduating. I miss all of his support he used to give me and the love I used to feel. I miss his hugs and how he made me laugh. I am not the same person I was when he was alive at all and I still wonder everyday if he is proud of me regardless of the fact that people have told me he would be. He was my favorite person in my life and I think about him everyday. All the time people used to tell me to remember the good things rather than the bad. But I just can't do that. Those memories are the one's that are hard to remember--those are the one's that hurt. I have been told many times that I don't have to be over it now as well. Unfortunately I am stubborn and I think that I should be when in reality I am not and I HATE to admit it. I wish I would have listened to him when he tried to talk to me about death. I never let him. I just remember crying and running away saying "Dad, you aren't dying. Don't say that to me". Now I just wish I would have stayed to see. You see, my dad and I were really close and all I ever wanted was to be like him. I couldn't stand seeing my super hero fall. I just never thought that all of a sudden my life would change so dramatically--I thought he was going to be okay...
2: College is in the near future. I have been doing everything on my own. I am frustrated to know that my mother really doesn't give a shit. She says she cares and will interrogate me, but then when it comes to me asking questions or opinions it's all over. I will not get any help from her and I might as well accept it. We really don't talk and it's a waste of my time to even try to let her be involved. She talks to me like I am a useless piece of crap and threatens me at least once a day. It's always "You better do this or..." or "If this doesn't happen Stevie..." or "You're not too old to get smacked" or "You wont have a car if you...". You would think she doesn't fall through with some of these things, but sometimes she actually does. I have been hit by her this summer--not hard at all and I was completely unharmed. The point is that it happened. It hadn't happened since my dad put a stop to it a long time ago. Also, I'm sick of coming home to no one. Even if she is home, she is on the phone or sleeping. I might as well be by myself. If I can wake myself up everything and say goodnight to myself every night why does she even need to be there? I am having trouble getting her to pay for groceries now, so even money is out of the question. If things keep going the way they have been college will be all on me...and I have had other family members tell me that. This whole thing just makes me nervous and frustrated and annoyed. My feelings are just hurt about it and she doesn't care to hear my opinions on anything. Not even her stupid friend that she has been dating off and on for the last year.
3: There are a lot of family issues in the rest of my family. Those won't go online. .I am sitting here and I know exactly what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. I guess we'll just see what happens...
Tonight I got into a really deep conversation with my cousin. It all started with talking about how annoying our family is oddly enough. We talked about how different people are. I know that sounds so broad and simple, but it really was just us ripping apart the depth of people as much as we could with the time we had. In conclusion: there is nothing black and white about people.
It's always people saying "live for others", "live for yourself", "think about other people's problems", and "just think about you right now". In all reality all of those statements have a purpose and at some point they are correct. Everyone has problems and every one's problems are important regardless of how small. I know that sounds simple but in actuality it's harder to accept than you think. What's the first thing you see a rich girl mad about not getting her Prada shoes for the month. You think "well that girl shouldn't be so upset--it's JUST a pair of shoes. But now if you look at it, that might really be the biggest problem for that girl. As much as you think she is stupid you have to respect the fact that she does have an issue and she's upset. It's a different degree of a problem depending on the person. That might be a bad example but I'm hoping I got the point across.
Some people in this world are more naive than others and some people in this world lack substance. Those people-- I'm not going to lie-- I have a harder time being around. Not because they are not fun or I don't enjoy being with them, but because it's hard for me to get something out of them. I don't want that to sound horrible, I just don't know any other way to say it right now. Everyone has an opinion and it's hard to be around people who can't convey their opinion and they also sound uneducated. Opinions are really really powerful parts of everyday life. The whole world is completely judgemental in one way or another rather it be towards men, women, blacks, whites, gays, etc. If you think about it, when you read this you are making a judgement. There are a thousand million different opinions in this world about everything and about that many ways to share it. There are also, in my opinion, good ways to share it and not so good ways to share it. The point is that everyone deserves to be heard. It doesn't matter who you are--obviously at this point in my life I am kind of frustrated with the adults who don't take teenagers seriously because of their age. I think that many younger people have just as good educated opinions as adults, but maybe that's just me. It's totally fine for people to agree to disagree but everyone deserves to be heard. Tonight I noticed a lot of the feminist come out of me--it's been happening more and more since that trip to Wisconsin.
I am a people watcher. I love to just observe people and think about why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. I think it is so interesting. I think all of this I've written is just things that have been talked about before. Right now I just feel so strongly about them. People always catch my attention. There are different ways of dealing with different kinds of people and there are ways to be a certain kind of person. Introspective is a completely amazing thing once you can do it. Introspective is an examination of ones own thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Basically, it means you sit back and look at what you are doing and why you are doing it. It makes you who you are and helps you to see things from other peoples point of view. This is something I wish I was better at. I am working on it for sure but there are just some things that make me pop and not care about other people. Some people that say I am just like my mom or say something bad about my dad is one of them. Those are just things I am so emotionally attached to it doesn't matter who you are--there is a good chance I will be upset about it if things are not conveyed the right way. I am just the kind of person who gets emotionally attached to things really easily and so that is just a really touchy subject. Those are things I think about EVERYDAY. Those are things that you can't avoid and they are ALWAYS in the back of your head. It's the weirdest thing and it is very true. So when people say things about it I wont forget how it makes me feel. I love the quote by Maya Angelo that says people will not remember what you said or did. But they will always remember how you made them feel. That's why with people it is such a grey area. There is so much involved in one person that no one will know them completely. There is always that one secret that a person will not tell ANYONE. Because they just choose not to or they can't trust anyone with it. There are so many layers.
Let's just set this straight: I could go on and on for hours.
I will just leave you with this.
It seems like everyday I have been thinking way too much. I am always in deep thought, but you know what's weird? I could never tell you what I am thinking about because I just don't know. There are so many things that fly through my mind and it would take decades to sort them all out. Late at night I feel inspired to write poems, stories, or just nice flowing sentences even. As soon as I drive somewhere at night and see the lights and hear the sounds and see the steam rising from the pavement my creative clock starts ticking. By morning it's as if the battery has run out. I feel all this nervous energy inside that just needs to come out in the form of a masterpiece and I have no time to let it out. I miss all the writing I used to do--regardless if it was bad or not. Maybe sometime soon when I have a night to kill I will just go crazy. I love blank notebooks because they have an endless amount of potential. I will sit and look at a blank page and just take it in like a piece of art work. I imagine everything that could possible inhabit that page--paintings, doodles, poems, song lyrics, collages, charcoal, pastel, pen, pencil, marker--the possibilities are endless. I have so many ideas and so few feel worthy of that page of potential. I love seeing the potential in things and I hate to see that go to waste. This means I have been saving all my blank notebooks for brilliant works to just flow out of my brain. I know in reality that doesn't happen often. Maybe one day something extraordinary will come of this mind...until then I will continue to imagine the possibilities and hopefully make some time to try to write a bit...or as Mr. Parcel calls says: "Let your pen run like a wild pony on the paper..."
So today is one of those days when you wake up and you just want to get out of the house and do something. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go or who I'll even be with. I just want to head for the door and come back when the sun sets. This summer, for me, has been a lot of work and I want to do things that make the work not seem so bad. Don't get me wrong I really love stages now and I am happy that I did it. I just wish it allowed more summer time. I think a park sounds like a really good idea. I got a new dress yesterday and I am super excited to wear it! I am in a really good mood and I feel like frolicing around and just having fun. Hopefully the sun will come out too! That would be fantastic!
1. I hate my age
2. I hate how I am always the one calling people to hang out
3. I hate feeling left out
4. I hate how I always invite people everywhere but never get invited in return
5. I hate how this bothers me so much
This morning I am in a much better mood. I don't really know what I'm doing today, but what ever it is it wont be sitting at home doing nothing. lol. I think last night I just needed to rant and I definitely felt like the whole world was against me. obnoxious and immature. yea, pretty much. I wish it was sunny out today because I really want to go to Art Hill and chill out. That place always makes me feel so fantastically happy! Too bad it's all gross outside. wahwah. I guess I'm just gonna take this day as it comes and hopefully I'll see people!
So this last week I was in Wiscansin for a family trip. It was my mom's side of the family minus my mother because she wasn't invited. It was a complete and utter disaster with the few exceptions. There was so much family drama it was ridiculous. That's what I tried to get away from. Now I just feel even worse. There were some good parts though. We played Pictionary and talked late at night. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. I also bonded with family I wasn't that close to and got to go to pretty beaches and see cool things. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I just kind of wish there was less arguing and more relaxing. The more I saw people argue and treat each other like crap on that trip, the more I started to think about love and marriage again. For the longest time I have been struggling with the belief of love. I just don't know if true love really exists or not. And if getting married with someone and loving them means you'll fight with them all the time and be miserable then that's nothing I want to be a part of. Obviously not all couples are like this, but most of them you see are. There's just so much more to this topic running through my mind than you can imagine. Really, a good three posts can be spent on this. Also, one of the things that really bothers me about that family is how they have certain standards for men and women. This is where my feminist qualities take over my brain. In that family men are to work hard, bring home the money, do the labor and do all the cliche manly things. The women are expected to take care of kids, cook, clean, and THEN do shit that the men do if it's necessary. It is completely fucked up. My cousin got so much bullshit for just wanting to watch a movie with me and my other cousin because he was a boy and "he should be at the beach with the bonfire". WHATEVER. That is stupid. Let him watch the fucking movie! I also hate how the family has a standard for how people look. If there's something weird about you it will be made fun of and probably called gay-a negative connotation in that family! When I was down there I was eating potatoes two hours before dinner because I hadn't eaten all day and I was starving. My cousin Joe came up to me and said "Good thing you're eating two hours before dinner because now you have time to throw it up." i responded with "I don't do that thank you. I have a phobia of throw up anyways so that's not even possible" and he said "laxatives?". I told him to fuck off in front of his wife and I have been thinking about that ever since. My uncle john also asked me to take the family photo. As in, I wouldn't be in it because I would be taking it. Neither one has apologized about this to me. I miss the family who used to care about one another and that used to have fun together. Now, I just hate it.
When I got home, I saw that my mother brought home the trailer from the land. Now I can't go down there. She told me I could one last time before she brought it home. I have never gotten to have closure with that place. I haven't really been down there since he died and I feel like I just need to go down there and see everything and do everything for one last time. I can't believe she almost let me and now I can't ever again. I sobbed when I got home from Wiscansin. What a nice welcome home...oh yeah, and she's not home again tonight and I'm fucking sober! Goddamn. She is always at Mike's house even thought she said they aren't dating. BULL SHIT MY FRIEND. I don't believe it for a second. She keeps getting to me more and more and I'm beginning to think I am going to have to pay for college myself. We don't speak really anymore and she doesn't buy me anything even though she takes my social security check and wont tell me what she does with it. It's only 225 dollars but still. I just can't stand this anymore. I know I have said that, but I'm beginning to get more emotionally fucked up than I already was and that family vacation did not help. I was so excited to get home and see all my friends that I thought I was going to explode. Too bad I got home and still haven't really seen any. My friends are what get me through life and I just need them. I just need a nice day with my best friend or some time with my other ones. I'm going crazy. I don't think many people understand that though. ALL I have is my friends. THEY really are my family because I go home to no one or someone that doesn't speak to me. I might as well go back to fuckin' Wiscansin--at least there were some people there that had the time or wanted to hang out with me. I am just in a bad, dramatic, obnoxious mood.
I think I'm just going to go to bed...sorry to those of you who read this rant.
~Stevie~
So the opera theater has ended and now I am stuck at stupid stages...=\ I am going to miss all my friends at the opera theater it's ridiculous. I always think it's so crazy that you can bond with people so much in one month at work. I love it though. We are having a going away party for Zez tomorrow (hanging out and drinking wine =]) with Danielle, Chris, Liz, Tom, Emily, and Alex because he is going to Chi town for a while and then Bloomington and then Colorado and then back to Bloomington for school! Danielle and I want to visit him either in Chi or Bloomington while he's there. We are also going to the 80s dance at Wesleyan this year! =] I am going to miss him.
Yesterday my mother informed me that she had to take a Papsmere last week and it didn't come back with good results. Today she went in to get a Biopsy done and the results will come next week sometime. I was on the phone with my sister about this yesterday and I really don't know what's wrong with me because I have never cared less about someone in my entire life and I wish I did. If the results come back positive for Cancer, I don't know what I'm going to do or how I am going to react. This is something I am really struggling with right now and I think about it constantly. [It's just this and that freakin' boy :)] It's weird for me to think about what's going to happen in the future because at this point anything could happen. I could end up not having any parents at anytime and the only time I think about that is when something happens I guess. I feel selfish thinking "What would happen to ME if she dies?". Obviously, she would be upset about it, and really my concern should be her and her happiness right? When my dad was sick all I did was wish I could take his illness from him so he would not suffer. With this I just don't have any emmotional connection with her so I don't care. I feel like I should and I wish I could make myself and this really makes me upset and frustrated. It honestly feels like someone I don't really know told me their mother has cancer and all I can say is "I'm sorry". I just don't know what to do about this. I guess in reality there is nothing I can do except wish life wasn't this complicated--and that's a waste of my time. I just read this and I sound like a bitch...I really don't mean to though. ugh.
On the other hand, I had a really fantastic time with him today. :) There's nothing like intense flirting in blackburn park! haha
So this summer has been interesting so far to say the least...Let me do a short recap since I have failed to keep up with this thing...
1: Work
I am working two jobs at this moment. I am working at The Opera Theater of St. Louis and Stages St. Louis. Two very well known theater companies. I am very excited to be back at OTSL just because I love that job so much and I feel like I have been waiting for it all year. I have some good friends there and I just love working as an usher there because I feel like I'm good at working with people-- I actually hate people less now and I'm hoping this feeling continues. At OTSL I just feel like I belong lol I know that sounds dorky but it's true. I love my managers and the job itself so how much more can I ask for? Second, I work at Stages. It's been rough there to say the least and I feel awful saying that considering I was so fucking excited for the paid internship. Now I just feel like I'm doing it for the money and that kind of sucks because I want to get more out of it than that. I just started there last week though so hopefully things will pick up some. I do feel like I've learned a bit so at least I am getting something out of the whole thing. The people are nice but all a lot older than me--thankfully one of the guys in ungodly attractive. This week I will be painting more, so that is already an up-lifter. If I could paint all day everyday while I'm there and learn new techniques I would be satisfied. I just hope that they like me still after I called off one day with family issues. (I had a anxiety attack the night before because of Fathers Day and my mother so I couldn't function--I went to Danielle's to swim and chill all day before OTSL) Oh well, I'm sure it's cool.
2: Fathers Day
I am happy to report to you that this Fathers Day was much more bearable than last year. Even though it was only my second Fathers Day without my dad I feel like this year was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be really horrible but it ended up okay because I had spent the night at Danielle's house the night before and went home around 2ish that day and then had to go to work and my mother slept at Mike's house that night so I was left alone. Plus I had friends just saying they thought of me and it was nice to know. It was just an out-of-it day you know?
3: Fun
So summer has only been going on for almost a month now I feel like I have done so much. Besides working I have gone to many places and done many things and hung out with many people. I have gone to art hill more than once and I have gone to the Zoo. I have gone out to eat numerous times and I have accepted that fact that I have a dress and Arizona Green Tea addiction. I have bought so many dresses and I buy tea more than once a day and I am going to keep on buying more. I just love them so much and I have to continue this! If my money isn't going to a new dress I have realized it is going to food, entertainment, or alcohol. This summer I noticed more how much I really don't like people my age or people that go to my school or people younger than me. Don't take that the wrong way because of course there are exceptions. I just really like people older than me because I take so much more out of people when they have had more time to go through things or have some experiences that I haven't. People my age or younger are (a lot of the time caught up in drama or stuck between road blocks called parents or school work) I have been hanging around people from work mostly. I met Danielle last year at OTSL and this year I met Zez and Emily and Alex. I have hung out with Chris a bit too although he went to WGHS at the same time as me for a year. I hang out with Abigail all the time and I have seen Skye and Anna a couple times. I have yet to see Catherine, Cameron (Stelling), Joanna, Julianne, Maddie, Scott, or some other people yet. I have hung out with others (from work) but those were not very great experiences so I try to block them out. I have spent nights partying with these people because they are all 20 and they think I am mature for my age and they like to hang out with me. A couple nights this past week we (Danielle, Zez, Abby, and a couple of Danielle's friends) went to Eden Seminary and we smoked hookah and drank vodka, whiskey, and wine. It's been a lot of fun because sometimes it's just casually having a drink and sometimes we get drunk. I have gone to City Diner recently and I have gone to the mall and a couple graduation parties and a waterfall in forest park some. I just don't know what's going to happen when I go back to school because I really don't hang out with that many people who go to my school and next year is going to be weird going and not having talked to anyone for a summer. I just feel like I'm passed all the high school drama and the immature people. It gets old really fast. Thankfully Danielle has assured me that I will be spending a lot of time on Webster University Campus this year with her and I'll see Waffa when she's in town and not in Kirksville. Maybe I'll see Scott at some point too since he is going to Webster University as well. Who knows? I'm just contemplating how next year is going to go and trying to avoid thinking about it. As for now, I am just going to enjoy this summer and take whatever comes with it. :)
4: Mother
She needs some medication hard core. I would love to take her to a psych ward and get it over with. Her and her boyfriend (I'm not sure if they are actually dating right now) are always off and on and it's so confusing because sometimes she'll talk about marrying him to my brother and sometimes she will tell me she hates him and that she told him not to call anymore. It's fucking weird and extremely irritating and upsetting. I just want to know what's going on. My mother also has no job at this point in time because she lost it due to the economy she said. I am working two and of course mine don't have health benefits. She told me to get a third one even though she doesn't have one and I'm pretty sure until a couple of days ago she didn't even start looking (she lost her job almost a month ago now). I can't even make a dentist or doctors appointment now because she doesn't have insurance after the 30th. Then she sold the trailer we have to haul ATVs and the travel trailer you can live in we were going to take to the land. She also sold a welder the same day as the ATVs. She says she is broke and has no money after she sold all of those and she also went shopping before she sold those. I know we're not broke--she is just insane and she owes my brother money and that is her excuse to not give it to him even though he works 70 hours a week an still struggles. She's just so conceited and it makes me livid when I think about her. Yesterday she called my brother about buying a car with the 16 grand she just had lying around. Really? She just had 16 GRAND lying around to just spend even though we NEED things and my brother needs his money? BULL SHIT SON! That is not even just a bitchy move, that is just horrible and upsetting because she told me flat out she was getting me a car that my brother owns now because the car I use wont last me through college or maybe not even TO college. I tried to talk to her about how I am concerned about college and I didn't raise my voice at all. I just talked really calm and she SCREAMED. She yelled "You know, you're not too big to slap!". This just saddens me because this is actually the person who birthed me. I am related to someone who wont listen to ANYONE or treat people with respect. The only person she cares about is Mike. My brother hung up on her today when she just said "Hi, Michael" when he answered the phone. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just FED UP to the extreme and my bullshit bin is full. I'm over it. On top of this her birthday is tomorrow. Fuck that shit, she gets a card and I'm going to work.
So this has been my summer so far. I am thinking' at this moment that it's going to be a good one and I can't wait to see what all is in store for me. I want to learn things and experience new things and just live by my summer model. This summer I am living by the phrase "Carpe Diem". It's Latin for "Seize the Day"! I have it set on the front of my phone so when ever the front of my phone lights up it's there to remind me. I am determined to live by this as much as possible because I am not okay with letting anything hold me back anymore. I don't care what it is, I am prepared to have the best summer and year I can possibly have because no matter what happens I am going to have a good last year at home. I am over letting my mother and school and stress take hold of me! I just want to go with the flow. I'll try to keep up with this as well so I can avoid writing another novel--I just had so much to say!
~Stevie~
Tonight I read my bible for the first time in a long while. As soon as I read those powerful words and realized how long it has been since I have read them I started to cry. I realized that I have started to get away from my faith and I am not okay with that. I want to have the same high for Christ as I have in the past. I haven't been genuinely happy in too long and I really think this is why. God is my foundation and support and I think I have forgotten that. I need to go to camp or find someone who gets excited about God like I do. I know that sounds dumb to some people but I really don't care because with God I can be happy. Last summer I read everyday for at least a half of an hour and I want to do that again. Lately I have been feeling like I have nothing and no one and I didn't even realize that the reason I felt that way is because I had a hole in me that I wasn't filling. I have also realized that some of the things I have been doing this year have not been glorifying to God and that makes me sad. I hope someone understands what I am saying...I have gotten so much from God and I have the testimony to prove it. I just have not been living what I believe. THAT has to end. I want to live for Christ and live everyday to the fullest (cliche, I know) because who knows what day will be your last. It's summer and that is the perfect oportunity to spend time with myself to point out everything I need to change. Maybe the reason that I'm not really happy is because I am dealing with everything that God will deal with with me alone. I think I need to start depending on God more because I know I can trust Him more than I can trust myself. I think I just wrote random thoughts in my head and I'm pretty sure some of this doesn't make sense to anyone but myself.
I've had this thing about relationships and people for a long time...
...You change my mind about all of that--How does that even work?
oh boy, good thing i just made everything awkward between us. my dear boy, this is fantastic. nothing is better than making everything awkward between us. i should have kept my mouth shut and my feelings to myself. you wanted me to tell you so i did. fml. i miss you boy.
edit**
On top of this bipolar betty is talking to me.
My mother just came into the house crying. I looked at her and for one second I felt bad for her and then it went away and I went on with my business. I can not believe that that actually happened because I really thought I cared about her more than that. When any of my friends are upset I get upset and when they cry it makes me want to cry. It's weird that my mother can not phase me in the least bit. I guess it's really no surprise to me that it doesn't bother me because I always say I don't care about her, but I honestly thought I cared more...
My second thought after not caring was that she finally got a taste of her own medicine. For once in her life she is helplessly upset. There are so many times in my life when I have been upset and she has seen it and hasn't cared and there are also times when she has told me she doesn't care. She has told me my dad didn't care about me when my friend was there. THIS is probably why I don't care. This is why I am never upset around her anymore. This is why I don't speak to her. I can't even be sympathetic towards her. Because we have NO relationship and there's NOTHING I can do about it. I just don't even know what to think right now except for I wish I cared because not caring is not like me at all. Not caring about someone makes me feel inferior to myself.
Today was a really nice day. Nothing really bad happened and I'm not super stressed out. I found out I really don't care about school anymore because whatever happens happens and life WILL go on. Also, I know I am going to get into a college regardless of the fact that my grades are not where I would like them to be. Summer is two days away and I am thrilled. =]
Today I went to art hill today with Abigail and it was fantastic. That is one of my favorite places to go. It's always so beautiful. The grass is so green and the sun is so bright and the sky is a beautiful blue. You can not possibly be miserable when you are there because you can feel endorphins being released as soon as your bare feet hit the grass. I got a little bitty tan while I was there as well and that is definitely one of the best things ever.
I got to hang out with Abigail on Friday night and we watched The Ringer which is officially one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. We also watched high school musical 3 lol which was awesome as well.
Saturday night I worked...which I love because I'm a freak. I just have a lot of friends there and I don't get to see them that much so it's cool when I get to. We are playing apples to apples next time we work and I am exposing them to Shrek: The Musical--my love lol.
So looking back at this weekend I am seeing a pretty good summer ahead of me and I can't wait to make the most of it. =]
Oh yeah, I am going down to the land on the 9th and coming back the 11th...I am super excited about it but I just have this feeling that it's going to be super emotional as well. It's my daddy's land and it freaks me out that soon I will never be able to go down there again like this. That's where my dads ashes are. We put them in the river too. It's my childhood that lives on those 90 acres and soon it will only be a memory...I know that change happens for a reason and one day It wont matter then same, but for right now I just think about it. It's just one of those things that I need to have closure with I guess. It's my haven that I have to say goodbye to. It will be okay though because I'm definitely going to do everything down there when I go. <3
~Stevie~
I remember a long time ago [during my freshman year?] having a conversation with someone I looked up to very much and I still look up to her even though we don't talk as much as we used to. I remember laying on my trampoline hesitant to ask her a question. I finally asked her: "Have you ever done anything you regret because of stress from your mother and/or your life?". The answer was yes and that's when the conversation began. She had gone through some of the same things that I was going through and she explained to me what she went through that she regretted and that it still really hadn't ended completely. This came up this year too. She still had not gotten over it completely and she said it will probably never end completely end. I thought of this conversation when I recently ended up re-living something from my freshman year and I thought that that would never happen. It is at this moment when I wish I talked to that girl more still more than ever. I miss her and quite frankly she's the one who helped me last time. At least I know that I am not alone in this situation.
I never wanted this to happen and I disappointed someone that is one of the most important people in my life. I didn't want to tell her but I knew she wanted to know what was going on...this is one part of my life I wanted her to never have to step foot in. I feel horrible and now she is going to worry about me. I know that I can always count on her, but at the same time I am the one who made this bed for myself and I feel like now I should just have to lye in it no matter how upset I am. I just wish it had never happened and I wish my friend could just be mad at me like I am at myself. It's so much easier to deal with someone who is mad at you then someone who is disappointed by you or worried about you. She shouldn't have to have to worry about me...even though she says she wants to be there for me even though she knows she doesn't have to. How can she be so nice and caring when I have done something so stupid that I am so ashamed of? I am lucky to have someone like her in my life. I know she will be there for me even when I don't deserve it.
Summer is almost here and I cant tell you how excited I am about that. I did chalk yesterday and it felt so good to just be creative and not worry about anything except for what my mind is producing. I love doing anything creative because I like to create something out of nothing. Finals are coming up super fast meaning I am starting to get SUPER stressed out. It has come to the point that I have to depend on my final grades to help my semester grades and my GPA. That scares me shitless. I just really haven't cared about school enough this year and I know that. I know that whatever happens happens and there's nothing I can do about it. I also know that in ten years I probably wont care about how I did this year. I think all I really need is summer. I need to be able to relax and maybe sleep. Sleep would definitely be beneficial. I have so many things going on this summer. I am working at Stages St. Louis and the Opera Theater of St. Louis. I also am going to wisconsin with my family that is not my mother and I have a list of awkward things to accomplish this summer. I am excited for sleep overs and going to the park and swimming and more chalk paintings. So much has happened this year and I can't tell you how happy I am that it is almost over lol. I am excited for next year and I am actually excited for The Wizard of Oz now. I want to be a flying monkey because they are goign to tumble and I think they are awesome lol. I dont know. I just want to get in shape this summer and that is most definitely a motivation because now I have a reason to get rid of nasty fat and get my abs back and make my backtuck and back handsprings and such perfected. These are just some things going through my head right now... I guess this was kind of a pointless post, but I just felt the need to write.
~Stevie~
So, the closer summer comes the more bummed I get about not being able to go down to the country. I want nothing more to be down on my dad's land right now. I want to see the clear skies full of stars and the grass the so green it's almost sickening. I want to swim in the river and do back flips out of trees. I want to fucking go skinny dipping in the river before it has been sold. I want to ride my fourwheeler around everywhere until I can't feel my butt anymore and my thumb is numb. I want to be so gross and sweaty from the day and not even care at night. I want to barbeque and make s'mores. I want to sleep in the trailor I always have and wake up to the birds chirping like I love. One weekend soon I am going to go down there. It's a two hour drive that I have no problem doing and I wish I could do it right now. I don't know who the hell would come with me or who would even be allowed to but I don't care. At this point in time I am willing to go alone. I ache for my old childhood summers. It hurts me so much to know that soon it will be impossible for them even to happen. Mother is selling the land. She is selling my childhood. She is selling the place where I put my dads ashes. They floated down the river and rolled across the land in the wind. That will no longer exist to me except in my memories. I feel like my memories are a tourturing device and they are being used against me. All I wish I could do is run away from my thoughts and feelings. I want these emotions to stop changing and I want to not have to guess what's going to happen each day with my life.
My mind is made up. I'm leaving within the next two weeks. Probably after school on the last day. It's a half day and mother even told me I could go.
It just hurts too much to stay and not know what is going on down there without me.
~Stevie~
How could you do that to me? After all that shit you gave me and after being that huge asshole you are. I know you might not realize it, but this screws with my emotions. I don't know why because I know you aren't that big of a deal. Why can't you just do what you said you were going to do? WHY are you such a douche bag. THIS is why we haven't been able to be just friends...because YOU wont let that happen. So you know what? Fine. I wanted to be friends with you, but I'm done trying to be friends with someone who doesn't have the ability to do so. Fuck you.
Today I am in that mood where you are thinking so much that it causes you to be anti-social. I have been thinking a mile a minute and I don't even know what about. It's just about EVERYTHING. It's really annoying actually. I'm in the mood for deep conversation or analyzing quotes because I need some wise words to think about. I looked at quotes a couple days ago and there are some that just stick out to me. Of course, they are about life and people. I think I have a slight problem with over thinking. I analyze anything and everything and I love to see how people act. I like to figure things out about people and they just fascinate me. I don't mean in a creepy way though. I just mean that they are interesting subjects...I like looking for the good in people and it makes me sad when they have qualities that people frown upon. It makes me sad and it makes me be ashamed to be a part of the human race...its just disappointing.
Anyways, here are some of the quotes I read:
1) "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who wont anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people fr0m your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future." - Anonymous
2) "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." -Anonymous
3) "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways" -John Wayne
4) "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt
5) "The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs." -Anonymous
6) "Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you first but smiling when someone does." -Anonymous
7) "Love can be magic, but sometimes magic can just be an illusion." -Anonymous
8) "The easiest thing in the world is to be you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position." -Leo Buscaglia
9) "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. " -Maya Angelou.
10) "Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them." -Marcus Aurelius
All these make me think so much about things I want in life and what I can accomplish. They make me think of mistakes I've made and small things I've gotten upset over. I love to be positive and say everything is going to be okay, but it's so hard to see a future that is so far away and I want so much out of my life. Society doesn't allow you to "Live each day as if it's your last". I want out of what I'm dealing with now. THIS is not the life I have dreamed of living. I hate how society puts dreams on hold. I can't be at this house anymore being held back. That's not who I am.
Also, I have also come to the conclusion with the whole mother situation. And that is that I have NO idea what I'm going to do about it. I also have some weird stress thing going on. Whenever she comes near me I feel really tense (more than usual) and my neck hurts and when she kisses me I feel strange. Like my neck hurts worse and when she kissed me before she went to bed I had to stretch my neck out and it actually hurt. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm almost feeling stinging from her touching me. I just get really uncomfortable. Her being around me makes me think about everything that has ever happened between me and her. It makes me think of her face when she threatens me or how she used to look at me before she used to hit me. I started crying. My emotions and mental stability are all fucked up and it scares me. This is unhealthy.
~Stevie~
It seems like this past month has just been a crazy time. My emotional and mental stability has been fluctuation in huge amounts and I'm pretty sick of it. I think there's just so much going on with my home-life and with school that I just can't keep up with either. I have one more year until I can get out of this house I'm stuck in. Since I was 14 the plan was to divorce my mother at the age of 17 when it is legal. I am now 17 and I could have done that by now. The problem is college and the fact that I want to stay at my school. The more I stay with her though the more college doesn't seem worth it. In reality I know it will be, but it's just so hard to walk home to nobody and to have no one to support you. It's weird when I walk in my house and my mother mentions that I am home for the first time in a long time when in reality I had been home every day after school for 3 weeks consecutively and she hadn't noticed. I'm more used to how things are now though and I have friends that are here to go through things with me so I think everything will be okay in the end. There are just those small stepping stones I have to get across.
This year I have realized a lot about people and I now live knowing that they can't always be trusted, and no matter what happens, there will always be immature people. No matter what age a person is there is always the teenager or kid in them that is malicious and rude. I got a great example of this today when my friends blog was mocked. I feel like that is one of those things you just cannot do to someone. When people chose to put their thoughts online they chose how they want to do it. If a blog isn’t hurting anyone I don’t understand why there is such a problem with one that you would have to mock it. It hurts the writer and it’s just not fair that they can’t have their own thoughts not be disturbed. I have thoughts racing through my head all the time and if I could not write some of them down I would explode. Some of them aren’t even that personal, but they just need to get out in some way.
As of right now I have 14 days of school left. Those days could not be going by any slower. I need out. I need to be able to focus on ONE thing at a time. My brain is just tired. Thankfully there are some fun things coming up and some things I can look forward to:
1. Senior Directed One-Acts
2. A Half-Day
3. The Last Choir Concert
4. Senior Wars
5. A-Men Extravaganza
6. Weekends
7. Starting work at the Opera Theater-seeing my friends from there!
8. Memorial Day Weekend =P
9. The Potato Party
10. Graduation Parties
11. Yearbook novels
12. SUMMER.
I guess those are just some of the basics to look forward to until school ends. It makes it easier to get through the day when something more exciting than school is going to be happening…
Soon I will be free.
~Stevie~
P.S. This summer, I think I might be able to get the bar piercing in my inner conch that I want!
So I'm thinkin it's about time that I update this thing. I've wanted to blog for a while now, but I haven't been able to organize my thoughts well enough to get anything out.
I've realized from past weeks that I really don't like very many people right now and I need a break. I am sick of the people in the drama department because they create DRAMA. There are only a few people I can deal with or like and there are a few people I want to spend my social life with. I love to hang out with people that aren't from my school and people older than me. I like to hang out with people I don't normally see as well. I just can't stand the same old shit the people at school throw at me. There are so many more people that have deep conversation with me and that won't judge me. I think that's WHY I like people older than me because even that one or two more years just makes a difference. Also, when you hang out with people from other schools not everyone you know knows them. You can talk about so much more and connect with them better because you don't have to worry about what they've heard or what they could potentially say about you. Lately, I feel like I've been able to be myself and I've connected with more people and it's been fantastic. I've grown closer to Abigail in particular these past few months and I am so happy that I can just be crazy and wild or calm and serious and whichever mood I am in she is all for it. I honestly feel like she is the one person that has always been there for me and I've told people that. I know I can trust her to be there and I will always be there for her. I like being able to trust someone with things that really no one else knows. She seems to be one of the only people who genuinely CARE about what I have to say or how I feel. She is also HONEST with me and that's exactly what is needed out of every person--sadly, that is hard to find.
This has been a hard year and I can't express with words how happy I am that it's almost over. I am so ready to get rid of the stress headaches and the homework and the people and the teachers and just chill. I want to start my internship and get paid to do something I love. I am not really looking forward to next year though which is sad. I am not really sure that I am going to do thespians. One of my teachers lied to me and one of my friends this past week about something big that is going to influence the year and it has created an issue between us and him. I don't want to not do thespians because of it but I have a lot of things going through my head and once they get sorted out I will make my decision. I will make it before school starts so there is time to find someone to replace me necessary. I don't want to be an ass about it--I just need to make a choice. My schedule next year is a little lighted than this year though so that should help me out a lot with stress.
Either that or my snug...
