***

I remember a long time ago [during my freshman year?] having a conversation with someone I looked up to very much and I still look up to her even though we don't talk as much as we used to. I remember laying on my trampoline hesitant to ask her a question. I finally asked her: "Have you ever done anything you regret because of stress from your mother and/or your life?". The answer was yes and that's when the conversation began. She had gone through some of the same things that I was going through and she explained to me what she went through that she regretted and that it still really hadn't ended completely. This came up this year too. She still had not gotten over it completely and she said it will probably never end completely end. I thought of this conversation when I recently ended up re-living something from my freshman year and I thought that that would never happen. It is at this moment when I wish I talked to that girl more still more than ever. I miss her and quite frankly she's the one who helped me last time. At least I know that I am not alone in this situation.
I never wanted this to happen and I disappointed someone that is one of the most important people in my life. I didn't want to tell her but I knew she wanted to know what was going on...this is one part of my life I wanted her to never have to step foot in. I feel horrible and now she is going to worry about me. I know that I can always count on her, but at the same time I am the one who made this bed for myself and I feel like now I should just have to lye in it no matter how upset I am. I just wish it had never happened and I wish my friend could just be mad at me like I am at myself. It's so much easier to deal with someone who is mad at you then someone who is disappointed by you or worried about you. She shouldn't have to have to worry about me...even though she says she wants to be there for me even though she knows she doesn't have to. How can she be so nice and caring when I have done something so stupid that I am so ashamed of? I am lucky to have someone like her in my life. I know she will be there for me even when I don't deserve it.