journey to the past...

She tells herself not to worry.

Her mom won't be home to yell at her after school.

But then she asks herself:

"Is it right to have to tell myself this?"

"Is it right to be afraid of my own mother's voice?"

"Who is she to yell at me constantly?...

(or as she calls it...lecturing)"

She worries constantly, despite her friends constant love.

She can't help it.

Her own mother is tearing her apart.

That was written about two years ago by a friend I was really close to. I keep all my old notes and sometimes go through them. This one has been one that I always turn to because it is so unbelievably true. At one point in my high school career I remember being scared to go home--there were even a few times when I cried because of it. It's so strange to me that how my mother is just feels sort of normal now even though she affects me emotionally and I think mentally on a daily basis. There are people who are astounded by my mother stories and I just treat them as a part of life. I spent so long just thinking everything was my fault and now I know that it's not. I feel like I have really developed in my ways of handling her. I was forced to grow up in a hard situation and looking back I'm happy I was. Without my mother and all of her bullshit I would be so much different than I am and I think I take more out of life now that I realize she can't hold me back anymore and I've grown up enough to be able to handle being on my own a bit. I am starting to like how I look at the world more and I am beginning to like myself more. I'm not going to lie though and say that the past does not affect me because it does tremendously. My past is something I think about EVERY DAY. Right when I wake up it's there to greet me with a big slap in the face. I take it as it comes and deal with it and make sure mistakes are not repeated. I think it's weird how this little piece of writing can conjure up so many thoughts. I think I'm going to go back to my notebook for a while and work on unfinished writings...it seems fitting for this point in time.