Disillusionment...

So I'm thinkin it's about time that I update this thing. I've wanted to blog for a while now, but I haven't been able to organize my thoughts well enough to get anything out.
I've realized from past weeks that I really don't like very many people right now and I need a break. I am sick of the people in the drama department because they create DRAMA. There are only a few people I can deal with or like and there are a few people I want to spend my social life with. I love to hang out with people that aren't from my school and people older than me. I like to hang out with people I don't normally see as well. I just can't stand the same old shit the people at school throw at me. There are so many more people that have deep conversation with me and that won't judge me. I think that's WHY I like people older than me because even that one or two more years just makes a difference. Also, when you hang out with people from other schools not everyone you know knows them. You can talk about so much more and connect with them better because you don't have to worry about what they've heard or what they could potentially say about you. Lately, I feel like I've been able to be myself and I've connected with more people and it's been fantastic. I've grown closer to Abigail in particular these past few months and I am so happy that I can just be crazy and wild or calm and serious and whichever mood I am in she is all for it. I honestly feel like she is the one person that has always been there for me and I've told people that. I know I can trust her to be there and I will always be there for her. I like being able to trust someone with things that really no one else knows. She seems to be one of the only people who genuinely CARE about what I have to say or how I feel. She is also HONEST with me and that's exactly what is needed out of every person--sadly, that is hard to find.
This has been a hard year and I can't express with words how happy I am that it's almost over. I am so ready to get rid of the stress headaches and the homework and the people and the teachers and just chill. I want to start my internship and get paid to do something I love. I am not really looking forward to next year though which is sad. I am not really sure that I am going to do thespians. One of my teachers lied to me and one of my friends this past week about something big that is going to influence the year and it has created an issue between us and him. I don't want to not do thespians because of it but I have a lot of things going through my head and once they get sorted out I will make my decision. I will make it before school starts so there is time to find someone to replace me necessary. I don't want to be an ass about it--I just need to make a choice. My schedule next year is a little lighted than this year though so that should help me out a lot with stress.

Initiation week with thespians was fun though. Not as good as last year except for the kidnapping group I was in. The kidnapping was awesome. Sadly, I have that whole issue with being sick of people and I just really wasn't interested in being with them. This is what happened with my friend Maddie as well. She got a spot in office and then people were stupid and she became uninterested- to say the least. I don't want that to be happening to me because I have loved thespians so much in the past. I guess I just have to take this situation one day at a time.

Also, the past week, I think I might have lost a friend. It's this guy who has had a crush on me forever and he decided to be a douche bag to me and my friend. He thinks I'm pissed at him, but honestly I am over it and I just don't care. If he wants to be friends with me he's gonna have to grow some balls and stop being an ass hole and come talk to me. That's the end with that.

Speaking of stress, next year in January my mother is putting the house up for sale. I keep being nagged to start getting rid of things and she told me she is not going to keep anything of mine. The only thing she will keep is my dad's rocking chair. She keeps saying "In January, I'm putting the house up for sale and I'm moving!". Now, does that mean I am not? Do I have a room at this new house? I'm assuming will be in St. Charles because that's where her boy friends house is. I don't think shes moving in WITH him, so I don't understand why she can't keep my shit in boxes while I'm away at college. I cant being everything I own to college with me...it just doesn't work that way. So I think I have to keep my shit everywhere else except with her which is going to be a pain in the ass considering I don't even know where I'm staying when i come home from college. Everything in my house that has to do with my dad has disappeared and has been replaced with pictures of my mothers boy friend Mike. She makes me take family photos with her and him and I am NOT a part of that family. I am anxious about the upcoming year because there is not way to predict it (in a bad way).
Finally, it was toward the end of my night and I was starting to sober up. My friend was saying how she had to leave because she had never told her mom she was out. I just remember saying that I didn't want her to go because I didn't want to be alone because I am always alone. I said that more than once. Now looking back on it, I realize how much I really meant it. I do get sick f being alone and I am home alone a lot. I love it when my friends are over because then I feel like I am cared about and I love not being alone. I mean, sometimes I like being alone, but those times have a purpose. I like being alone to do hw or to think or write and sometimes when I'm doing something artistic. But when I'm home so much and theres no one else I just like the presence of someone else. This is not something I usually admit to people just because I feel like this should not impact me as much as it does. I really have learned so much about myself this year and those people who told me junior year is the year you will change are so right. Reality becomes even more real than it used to be...
These are just a few things that have been running through my head lately...I guess all the questions I have might someday be answered. Maybe not. But I guess until then I'm just going to take things one day at a time and just keep trying to think of ways to dig me out of this life I'm living. I know there is something more out there than what I am experienceing now and I know that I just have to find a way to accomplish it. Until then I think I'm just going to be stuck...

~Stevie~

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"The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position." -Leo Buscaglia