Yeah, they mother fucked me over...

So this last week I was in Wiscansin for a family trip. It was my mom's side of the family minus my mother because she wasn't invited. It was a complete and utter disaster with the few exceptions. There was so much family drama it was ridiculous. That's what I tried to get away from. Now I just feel even worse. There were some good parts though. We played Pictionary and talked late at night. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. I also bonded with family I wasn't that close to and got to go to pretty beaches and see cool things. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I just kind of wish there was less arguing and more relaxing. The more I saw people argue and treat each other like crap on that trip, the more I started to think about love and marriage again. For the longest time I have been struggling with the belief of love. I just don't know if true love really exists or not. And if getting married with someone and loving them means you'll fight with them all the time and be miserable then that's nothing I want to be a part of. Obviously not all couples are like this, but most of them you see are. There's just so much more to this topic running through my mind than you can imagine. Really, a good three posts can be spent on this. Also, one of the things that really bothers me about that family is how they have certain standards for men and women. This is where my feminist qualities take over my brain. In that family men are to work hard, bring home the money, do the labor and do all the cliche manly things. The women are expected to take care of kids, cook, clean, and THEN do shit that the men do if it's necessary. It is completely fucked up. My cousin got so much bullshit for just wanting to watch a movie with me and my other cousin because he was a boy and "he should be at the beach with the bonfire". WHATEVER. That is stupid. Let him watch the fucking movie! I also hate how the family has a standard for how people look. If there's something weird about you it will be made fun of and probably called gay-a negative connotation in that family! When I was down there I was eating potatoes two hours before dinner because I hadn't eaten all day and I was starving. My cousin Joe came up to me and said "Good thing you're eating two hours before dinner because now you have time to throw it up." i responded with "I don't do that thank you. I have a phobia of throw up anyways so that's not even possible" and he said "laxatives?". I told him to fuck off in front of his wife and I have been thinking about that ever since. My uncle john also asked me to take the family photo. As in, I wouldn't be in it because I would be taking it. Neither one has apologized about this to me. I miss the family who used to care about one another and that used to have fun together. Now, I just hate it.
When I got home, I saw that my mother brought home the trailer from the land. Now I can't go down there. She told me I could one last time before she brought it home. I have never gotten to have closure with that place. I haven't really been down there since he died and I feel like I just need to go down there and see everything and do everything for one last time. I can't believe she almost let me and now I can't ever again. I sobbed when I got home from Wiscansin. What a nice welcome home...oh yeah, and she's not home again tonight and I'm fucking sober! Goddamn. She is always at Mike's house even thought she said they aren't dating. BULL SHIT MY FRIEND. I don't believe it for a second. She keeps getting to me more and more and I'm beginning to think I am going to have to pay for college myself. We don't speak really anymore and she doesn't buy me anything even though she takes my social security check and wont tell me what she does with it. It's only 225 dollars but still. I just can't stand this anymore. I know I have said that, but I'm beginning to get more emotionally fucked up than I already was and that family vacation did not help. I was so excited to get home and see all my friends that I thought I was going to explode. Too bad I got home and still haven't really seen any. My friends are what get me through life and I just need them. I just need a nice day with my best friend or some time with my other ones. I'm going crazy. I don't think many people understand that though. ALL I have is my friends. THEY really are my family because I go home to no one or someone that doesn't speak to me. I might as well go back to fuckin' Wiscansin--at least there were some people there that had the time or wanted to hang out with me. I am just in a bad, dramatic, obnoxious mood.

I think I'm just going to go to bed...sorry to those of you who read this rant.

~Stevie~