components of facebook chat--my college essay needs to come out of this...

since my mother and i have never gotten along my dad and i were the ones that bonded
my dad and i were really close
he contracted diabetes when he was 12 and was not suppost to live past 18
he lived till he was 49
in 2006
we were at a dog thing in forest park and something started happening to him
he started to feel numb and it would travel throughout his body
we went to the hospital and they didn't know what it was so they sent him home--this was july 8th.
after my 8th grade year he was put on dialysis so he was already not doing too well
those episodes started happening more and more and we have land down in the country and i remember one happening down there. it was the only time i had ever seen him cry--just me and him
my hero was crashing.
so that was the last time we went to our land.
the last week in august we made another trip to the hospital
by this time they had gotten so bad that he could no longer talk he could only mumble to get what he wanted i sat in emergency with him until a doctor would take him in
that night they took him in to stay over night
they did some tests and still weren't sure what was going on. they thought that they could have been strokes but couldn't really tell us.
the next day we brought him home and he was really loopy because of all the drugs they had him on
he was really happy though
but i knew something still wasn't right
everyone just told me i was freaking out though.
the next day my 10 year old cousin was over and we were hanging out
my dad was on the couch and i heard coughing so i went in and saw that he had choked on his drink--his mouth was numb. another episode.
i called my mom and told her and she told me to chill out and we got off the phone.
my dad had made his way to the front porch and i had to help him in. i sat him in a rocker and he tried to stand up numerous times and he ended up breaking the chair
i called my older cousin who was my 10 year old cousins mom and told her what was going on and she told me to call 911
with her on the phone and my cousin next to me i called.
by the time they showed up he had gone into a diabetic coma (he couldn't take his insulin because he was to drugged up and having an episode) and i had to answer to the peremedics on my own
it hurt to see them screaming his name and him not being able to even respond
the neighbor came over in the middle of it
by the time they got to the hospital he had had a big seizure and heart attack
they put him in ICU and we waited
Today
12:00amStevie
he didn't respond to us.
he squeezed my hand once.
he talked once when he said "fuck you" to the nurse and 2 am when he pulled out his feeding tube
when he actually woke up it was my highschool oorientation day and i wasn't allowed to go see him and talk to him because of it. mother just wouldn't let me go.
the last 10 minutes of it my sister came up to the school and they called me out. thats when i knew i lost him.
i never got to say goodbye
he told my brother he was dying 2 weeks before it happened and not me
he tried to talk to me about what would happen if he died more than once but i wouldn't let him because i was scared of what he would say
now i wish i did
Sending:
i dont know if he's proud of me
i dont know what he thinks
i just know that the person who meant the most to me "my hero"--i had to watch suffer
he doesn't know who i am anymore
he has missed one of the biggest steps in my life
i was there by MYSELF.
taking care of MYSELF.
i had to learn EVERYTHING all over again because of my mother.
i learned to take care of myself.
the stages thing my mother likes to take credit for but that was ME. I have to work for things on my own.
except money that was left for me.
i just need to stop wishing that he would be here
sometimes all i want is just a hug from him
and for him to tell me it's okay
or that he IS proud of me
but none of that i will never hear.
or know for sure.

I learned to become my own hero. I have become my father. I have grown in so many ways.