1: In 16 days my dad will be dead for 3 years. I can't believe how long it has been because it really feels like it's been an eternity. I think I might not go to school that day. This year it's been bothering me a lot earlier than last year. I'm not sure why but it has been on my mind a lot more. It's weird because not that many people really remember it or think about it on that day. My best friend really doesn't even know anything about it. No one really asks anymore or It has become old news to them. In reality, it really is old news but to me it's like just yesterday it is so important to me to care about it still. He has missed so much of my life and he will now be missing my senior year and then me graduating. I miss all of his support he used to give me and the love I used to feel. I miss his hugs and how he made me laugh. I am not the same person I was when he was alive at all and I still wonder everyday if he is proud of me regardless of the fact that people have told me he would be. He was my favorite person in my life and I think about him everyday. All the time people used to tell me to remember the good things rather than the bad. But I just can't do that. Those memories are the one's that are hard to remember--those are the one's that hurt. I have been told many times that I don't have to be over it now as well. Unfortunately I am stubborn and I think that I should be when in reality I am not and I HATE to admit it. I wish I would have listened to him when he tried to talk to me about death. I never let him. I just remember crying and running away saying "Dad, you aren't dying. Don't say that to me". Now I just wish I would have stayed to see. You see, my dad and I were really close and all I ever wanted was to be like him. I couldn't stand seeing my super hero fall. I just never thought that all of a sudden my life would change so dramatically--I thought he was going to be okay...
2: College is in the near future. I have been doing everything on my own. I am frustrated to know that my mother really doesn't give a shit. She says she cares and will interrogate me, but then when it comes to me asking questions or opinions it's all over. I will not get any help from her and I might as well accept it. We really don't talk and it's a waste of my time to even try to let her be involved. She talks to me like I am a useless piece of crap and threatens me at least once a day. It's always "You better do this or..." or "If this doesn't happen Stevie..." or "You're not too old to get smacked" or "You wont have a car if you...". You would think she doesn't fall through with some of these things, but sometimes she actually does. I have been hit by her this summer--not hard at all and I was completely unharmed. The point is that it happened. It hadn't happened since my dad put a stop to it a long time ago. Also, I'm sick of coming home to no one. Even if she is home, she is on the phone or sleeping. I might as well be by myself. If I can wake myself up everything and say goodnight to myself every night why does she even need to be there? I am having trouble getting her to pay for groceries now, so even money is out of the question. If things keep going the way they have been college will be all on me...and I have had other family members tell me that. This whole thing just makes me nervous and frustrated and annoyed. My feelings are just hurt about it and she doesn't care to hear my opinions on anything. Not even her stupid friend that she has been dating off and on for the last year.
3: There are a lot of family issues in the rest of my family. Those won't go online. .4: My joints have been hurting and I have been really angry and feeling funny and just not right lately. I have no idea what's going on, but I really hope it ends soon. I hate it when people realize I am A) Upset B) In pain C) Thinking about something they know about. I just think I should be able to deal with everything on my own. Again, I'm stubborn.
5: School is coming up. I haven't done homework still. It's my fault for not having motivation. I have also been really busy. I can't stand the idea of school right now though with my mother. At the same time I am excited because of cool teachers, good classes, and working at stages some during my school day.
6: The high school theater department will be the end of me this year. I can't stand it, but I am already sucked in. So this is one of those situations where I can just say curse words and move on with my life. I am done with high school already and stupid high school students that I can't stand.
7: Now my head hurts.
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