frustration

The more people talk about my business the more aggravated I get. I cant help what is going on in my head and it really is aggravating to me and I wish he wouldnt have said anything because now i have to deal with him and my choices as well as everyone else. i just want to escape and be left alone. really. that is what would be awesome. i need time to think on my own with no one elses opinions. i need to do whats right for me and thats what i am worst at. all i care about is other peoples opinions and their feelings. i guess smoetimes its good to care about myself but it just makes me feel conceited and thats the last thing i want. i think i really do need to do what is going to make me happy and right now I think the answer to this is being with him or doing something to relieve this stress i have. my classes all suck and there are at least 20 more days to take my grades down to Fs. I guess I just need to deal with this in a healthy way and learn to be honest with MYSELF. I can be honest with others but its just when it comes to me that i cant tell myself what i really think. i make myself ignore how i think and feel to benefit others. i am not as strong as people think i am and i always feel like i need to live up to what others see. i am not over my dad being dead and i refuse to accept that that is ok. i should be over it. its 3 year in august and that should be enough time to get over anything. right? i need to get over my mother being someone I cant depend on for anything. i need to get over the fact that she will NEVER be someone who cares about me like i need. I need to get over the fact that this is NOT my fault. i need to realize its ok to depend on someone a little bit. i am such an independent person who can not trust people with anything and i cant depend on anyone. it has been proven to me thorough out my life that people can not be trusted and that its stupid to invest your time in someone because youre just setting yourself up to be abandoned. i dont know. these are just the abnormal thoughts going through my head. maybe someday ill learn how to control these things i dont like about myself or ill get used to the exsistance of them...