Motivation.

"Stevie, Mike showed me this list in the paper...it's all the people

who have straights A's. You're usually on it, but you're not this year."

-Mother

Motivation is a strange concept to me. People have strange motivations for things. Some people have motivation to do their school work and some people have motivation to excel in sports. Some parents have motivations that are a little screwed up. For example, if you just read the quote posted at the top of this page, you will see something my mother said to me just a little while ago. Now, I don't let this kind of stuff bother me as much as I used to, but this just kind of perplexes me. Why would you say that to someone? What motivation is there to make someone feel horrible about them self? Was that really a necessary thing to say? Maybe she thinks it was, but to me, that was kind of a waste of her breath. Does she think it's going to make me think more than I already do? Does she just honestly think she is trying to start and good conversation? Why can't she just be happy with things I have accomplished. My grade in chemistry is now and A as well as my English grade. I've brought up a few grades with a lot of work. I know my history grade sucks, but I really am trying my very best to do all I can to bring it up. I recently got the freakin' motivation back to do my work and care about it. That probably has something to do with that freakin' seasonal depression. Wah wah. I'm just happy the sun has been out and the temperature is a bit higher. Hopefully now my grade will go up and if it doesn't I'll be a little bummed I think but I can't change it at that point so why be mad? Obviously the world wont end if it doesn't turn out how I want it to. This is just one of those situations when I wish my dad was here to tell me it was okay. To tell me that I am good enough for him. To tell me that he is proud of me. To tell me to stay confident because I have trouble doing it on my own. To just hug me when I'm upset or confused or frustrated. It's been so long since I've had someone just genuinely hug me and tell me they love me and that they are proud of me. Most people who tell me (or anyone for that matter) they're proud, say that for that moment and then disappear. Does that make sense? I guess you just can't rely on people. Anways, back to motivation. How does your body and mind decide what it feels like or does not feel like doing? Why do people do some of the strange and or stupid things that they do? Do they really have a reason or is it impulse that you "just cant help"? Why do you get these impulses? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll find out, but until then I guess I just will wonder...

~Stevie~