dream big?

So this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm not really sure why. It's actually kind of embarrassing. Regardless I am obviously going to write about it. Since my dad died I have always been paranoid about time and life in general. The whole tragedy in an instant changed my life FOREVER. If he was alive now I know that I would not be the same person as I am now. I went through hell and came out alive. This makes me wonder: If life changing tragedy happens to other people how did they come out afterwards? How did they get through things? Did they ever get through things? How did it make them who they are today? I know I am not the only person that this has happened to. I also realize that there are many people that this will never happen to and they will never be in such a bad situation that they can compare. Some people haven't even been though a shitty family/living situation. Some people haven't gone through eating disorders or self-injury. Some people just really haven't been through a lot. Does this mean their "ordinary" life has made them who they are? Does this mean that people don't really need anything to happen to them to make them a person with substance? You tell me. I have my own opinions on some of these questions and some of them I am oblivious to the answer. When you talk to people [in my opinion] you can tell right away if they have substance. You can tell if they are speaking with some sort of wisdom or if they are speaking through their ass. I love talking to people who have a story because it just makes them so much more admirable. I just wish this was something people thought about more because it really is something I feel like is what makes a friendship so awesome. You know what your friend is all about and it makes you love them even more regardless of what they have gone through in the past.
In the past couple years my cousin Bridget has told me numerous times to write down a quote my mother says every day and eventually make a book out of it. The first couple times she told me this I thought she was crazy. "Why would someone want to read anything about my life. It's just like everyone else's. Crappy and annoying." After a while I have come to realize that even if a published book would never happen it would have been cool to do that for my own benefit. I have realized I really do have a story and I really do have things that make me who I am. I really haven't told very many people or even some of my close friends my story even though I really don't mind and I kind of like telling it because it reminds me that it is a part of reality and sometimes I think I need to be reminded of that. I always have mother stories or cool things to say about my dad and the older I get the more I can see how this has influenced me and honestly, I think this is pretty cool.
Here comes the embarrassing part: For what feels like a long time now I've really thought about composing some novel about myself. But not just so people know about me but like an inspirational thing that shows that going through shit in life can really make you learn who you are and what you have the potential to be. I have a journal I've written in since freshman year with numerous letters to my dad about my life and poetry and pictures and just everything. I have saved letters from people and advice from people in writing. I have bible verses and quotes and song lyrics. I have a book written already its just all spread out. I just feel like I have always been called to make a change or influence people. Sadly, I feel completely conceited even saying this. I also have the issue of being ashamed of parts of my life and some things I've done to cope that I am scared at this point to put in writing because of judgement from others. That is also not me at all to be scared of judgement. I have always felt and said that you should always embrace the past and not regret things because they make you who you are. It's just something I think I should wait on I guess. I just feel like I would be able to inspire people and that's what I want to do. I want to use my inspiration to inspire others. Even after writing this I don't feel any better about my thoughts. I am just left here sitting feel conceited and useless to the world and embarrassed because I put something online that I have never really talked to someone about. I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I think it's a weird. I also think that I would have never really talked about it so a blog is getting somewhere. So now I guess I'm off to reflect more with these confusing thoughts and no way to decipher them.

~Stevie~