I give up.

I'm complaining. I know this is what I avoid, but I can't stand it any longer. I try to blow off my mother issues. I really do. But honestly, I feel like she isn't even a mother. She is a woman who lives in the same house as me and we rarely see each other. I come home make my own dinner, I do my own laundry, I clean the house, I take care of the dog...Most of the time I have no problem with this because I get left alone, but honestly it does get old. I don't have any support coming from home. I go home and my life and my issues are all on me. I have had no time to just chill out because between cleaning the house, doing homework, and theater I am tending to her will or trying to not get screamed at. All she has been telling me for the past year of my life is how horrible I am. I am rude. I am nasty. I am hateful. I am careless. I am a bitch. I am stupid. I hate her. I am condescending. I try to make her life miserable. All of these things she has told me and most of them have been said recently and repeatedly. I don't understand how you can say that about some one when you never see them. In her eyes there is always something wrong with me and she is perfect. I will never achieve what she sees as perfection and I know that, so why do I have to feel so upset about it? I wish I knew. She said tonight that she is not going to Broadway revue. She is going to dye Easter eggs with her boy friend, go shopping for my nephews for Easter, make food, get stuff for gardening, and spend the night at her boy friends house. She would not talk to me about the weekend I'm going to Chicago because she was busy going dancing with her boyfriend even though the main reason I'm going is to see a college that she wants me to see. I just don't know what to do anymore. I care about my grades and I do the best I can and I thought that I was doing pretty well at home with her. I just don't want to be yelled at anymore. I just don't see why a mother wouldn't want to love her child in a way that makes the child happy. does that not make sense? THIS is the reason I have so much trouble trusting people. THIS is the reason why I don't believe in marriage. THIS is the reason that I don't think love really exists. Sometimes I think I sound like a diva. I say "Why can't I just be happy?" Then I realize that I should just not let this bother me. But it does so much. I know this is just a rant and it will help nothing and any advice that could ever be given has been given to me. so really this was pointless and it just makes me want to cry more than I already want to.

~Stevie~

p.s. Mother will be out of town memorial weekend: I WILL be destroying my liver.