Bottle It Up.

Today I tried to hold myself together. I really did. I tried to keep all those emotions inside from everything going on in my life and I failed miserably. I ended by crying because it just didn't stay in anymore. It wasn't really in front of anyone, but it still makes me mad that one person saw it and that I couldn't have held out a little longer. As I think about this and how I show y emotions it makes me think about freshman year. I think that year I cried in front of my entire school at one point and they all noticed completely. So I guess I'm better than I was. Unfortunately looking back at my emotions then and looking at mine now, some of them are still the same and I still think about the same things when I'm upset regardless of what made me upset in the first place. Not many people know about things that went on with me freshman year because they are not something I show any pride in doing. It was stupid and I wish I could forget about it. Honestly, right now at this moment some of it I don't regret doing, considering it made me feel better...however that does NOT mean I plan on repeating my ways. I just think it's odd that I think back to it. I think it's strange that sometimes I think about what would happen if I still did some of the things I did then. My freshman year was a wreck and I was always grounded and I don't even think I'm the same person then as I am now at all. Its hard to see the resemblance. I was mentally sick and had so many problems with my life not even I could count them. I am glad I'm not that same person. I am glad that I will never be that same person. Its just weird for me to look back at my past and see what has created the person I am today because honestly I have no idea how it worked out this well. I don't want to sound conceited, I just mean that I am so much better off and not sick anymore and I can function properly and I have gone back into the right state. I just think I'm lucky that I am this much better. In the end all of this makes me think that things could be so much worse than they are and other people have it way worse than me in this world. It makes me think how stupid I am for being upset about some things. But then again, I can't help my emotions. Therefore, that's why I hide them and crack at school. I just realized what a circle of thoughts I just made.

~Stevie~

MOTHER UPDATE: she has decided a million different times whether she is or is not coming to Broadway revue (the show i designed and helped produce). Mike, her bf, wants to dye Easter eggs that night. I guess I'll see what happens.