Relationships

So this weekend I went to Atlanta for a choir competition and it was fantastic. We placed pretty well and had a lot of fun going places. I love all the pranks and all the things that are talked about and hearing about all the relationships that are either created or destroyed. There are always people getting together, breaking up, or having fights during these trips. I have no problem just having a fling with someone and I have no problem with hook-ups. But I have a problem with relationships. I'm not sure why and I have always tried to figure out why I feel the way I do. In relationships I feel trapped and I feel like it is more work than fun. I am too independent to depend on anyone else and I have trust issues with people. I was talking to my friend Maddie on the phone about this earlier in the year and she mentioned that it is maybe because I'm not happy maybe. She said its hard to be happy with someone else when you aren't happy in the first place so maybe until I'm happy and comfortable with my life I wont be able to have a relationship. I really have trouble believing that genuine love exists. I just can't see that some person can love someone so much that they would put all of their energy and emotions into someone. I think I have had this problem for a long time and I know for a fact I don't believe in marriage. I have never seen a relationship last and I have never heard of a person that doesn't flake out on the one they "care" about. I just feel like going into a relationship would be setting yourself up to be let down. I know that's not how it is all the time considering many people go everyday with wonderful relationships that they could not be anymore happy with. So I wonder why it phases me so much. Everyone knows my views on people and how they don't really live for anything but themselves. Maybe that could be one of the problems. I don't know. I wish that I could just let myself go and emotionally invest myself into someone I think cares about me but I cant. Ive also seen many people get too emotionally invested so when something goes wrong they're a complete mess. I see so much faith in other peoples relationships with one another...so I guess it really is just me that's the problem. I just cant think about this anymore. I confuse and upset myself when thinking about it. I think I just need to talk through it at some point to get my mind straightened out. I don't know.

~Stevie~