frustration

The more people talk about my business the more aggravated I get. I cant help what is going on in my head and it really is aggravating to me and I wish he wouldnt have said anything because now i have to deal with him and my choices as well as everyone else. i just want to escape and be left alone. really. that is what would be awesome. i need time to think on my own with no one elses opinions. i need to do whats right for me and thats what i am worst at. all i care about is other peoples opinions and their feelings. i guess smoetimes its good to care about myself but it just makes me feel conceited and thats the last thing i want. i think i really do need to do what is going to make me happy and right now I think the answer to this is being with him or doing something to relieve this stress i have. my classes all suck and there are at least 20 more days to take my grades down to Fs. I guess I just need to deal with this in a healthy way and learn to be honest with MYSELF. I can be honest with others but its just when it comes to me that i cant tell myself what i really think. i make myself ignore how i think and feel to benefit others. i am not as strong as people think i am and i always feel like i need to live up to what others see. i am not over my dad being dead and i refuse to accept that that is ok. i should be over it. its 3 year in august and that should be enough time to get over anything. right? i need to get over my mother being someone I cant depend on for anything. i need to get over the fact that she will NEVER be someone who cares about me like i need. I need to get over the fact that this is NOT my fault. i need to realize its ok to depend on someone a little bit. i am such an independent person who can not trust people with anything and i cant depend on anyone. it has been proven to me thorough out my life that people can not be trusted and that its stupid to invest your time in someone because youre just setting yourself up to be abandoned. i dont know. these are just the abnormal thoughts going through my head. maybe someday ill learn how to control these things i dont like about myself or ill get used to the exsistance of them...

dissapearing

Everything that he left behind is now gone...including all pictures.
Mother comes home at 11 or 12 every night and and leaves every morning at 7. I barely see her and even though shes not going to be out of town on memorial weekend she is going to be spending the night at her boy friends house that night so I have a sleep over. I'm not going to lie about how excited I am to have a wonderful bonding experience while me and my friends are all destroying our livers. It sounds pretty good right now actually. I need to escape this week. I need to escape school and my mother and life in general. I have so much on my plate right now and I am embarrassed to say how much I have cried in the past 3 days. There is something wrong with me this week and I have come to realize a lot about myself in just 3 days which I might elaborate on some other time. I have talked to some friends this week about some of these things and I cant thank them enough. THANK YOU: ABIGAIL LAMPE, SKYE GOWEN, AND MADDIE BYRNE. I owe you guys so much.
Anyways, prom is this weekend and that is what I am looking forward to. I get to hang out with a lot of my friends and some of them I don't see very much. I also get to see this one role model I have which isn't so bad either. =] I don't know what I'm doing after prom but honestly right now I'm up for anything as long as its not going home. I've been invited somewhere afterwards but I'm thinking I wont be able to go because I'm going to prom with people who do not enjoy the same things I would afterwards. Whatevs. I just need to dance and De-stress. This was kind of a pointless blog and I apologize for that.

~Stevie~

Relationships

So this weekend I went to Atlanta for a choir competition and it was fantastic. We placed pretty well and had a lot of fun going places. I love all the pranks and all the things that are talked about and hearing about all the relationships that are either created or destroyed. There are always people getting together, breaking up, or having fights during these trips. I have no problem just having a fling with someone and I have no problem with hook-ups. But I have a problem with relationships. I'm not sure why and I have always tried to figure out why I feel the way I do. In relationships I feel trapped and I feel like it is more work than fun. I am too independent to depend on anyone else and I have trust issues with people. I was talking to my friend Maddie on the phone about this earlier in the year and she mentioned that it is maybe because I'm not happy maybe. She said its hard to be happy with someone else when you aren't happy in the first place so maybe until I'm happy and comfortable with my life I wont be able to have a relationship. I really have trouble believing that genuine love exists. I just can't see that some person can love someone so much that they would put all of their energy and emotions into someone. I think I have had this problem for a long time and I know for a fact I don't believe in marriage. I have never seen a relationship last and I have never heard of a person that doesn't flake out on the one they "care" about. I just feel like going into a relationship would be setting yourself up to be let down. I know that's not how it is all the time considering many people go everyday with wonderful relationships that they could not be anymore happy with. So I wonder why it phases me so much. Everyone knows my views on people and how they don't really live for anything but themselves. Maybe that could be one of the problems. I don't know. I wish that I could just let myself go and emotionally invest myself into someone I think cares about me but I cant. Ive also seen many people get too emotionally invested so when something goes wrong they're a complete mess. I see so much faith in other peoples relationships with one another...so I guess it really is just me that's the problem. I just cant think about this anymore. I confuse and upset myself when thinking about it. I think I just need to talk through it at some point to get my mind straightened out. I don't know.

~Stevie~

Choir Contest!

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, do it enthusiastically, as something done for the LORD and not for men.

~Praying for a successful choir trip and contest!~

dream big?

So this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm not really sure why. It's actually kind of embarrassing. Regardless I am obviously going to write about it. Since my dad died I have always been paranoid about time and life in general. The whole tragedy in an instant changed my life FOREVER. If he was alive now I know that I would not be the same person as I am now. I went through hell and came out alive. This makes me wonder: If life changing tragedy happens to other people how did they come out afterwards? How did they get through things? Did they ever get through things? How did it make them who they are today? I know I am not the only person that this has happened to. I also realize that there are many people that this will never happen to and they will never be in such a bad situation that they can compare. Some people haven't even been though a shitty family/living situation. Some people haven't gone through eating disorders or self-injury. Some people just really haven't been through a lot. Does this mean their "ordinary" life has made them who they are? Does this mean that people don't really need anything to happen to them to make them a person with substance? You tell me. I have my own opinions on some of these questions and some of them I am oblivious to the answer. When you talk to people [in my opinion] you can tell right away if they have substance. You can tell if they are speaking with some sort of wisdom or if they are speaking through their ass. I love talking to people who have a story because it just makes them so much more admirable. I just wish this was something people thought about more because it really is something I feel like is what makes a friendship so awesome. You know what your friend is all about and it makes you love them even more regardless of what they have gone through in the past.
In the past couple years my cousin Bridget has told me numerous times to write down a quote my mother says every day and eventually make a book out of it. The first couple times she told me this I thought she was crazy. "Why would someone want to read anything about my life. It's just like everyone else's. Crappy and annoying." After a while I have come to realize that even if a published book would never happen it would have been cool to do that for my own benefit. I have realized I really do have a story and I really do have things that make me who I am. I really haven't told very many people or even some of my close friends my story even though I really don't mind and I kind of like telling it because it reminds me that it is a part of reality and sometimes I think I need to be reminded of that. I always have mother stories or cool things to say about my dad and the older I get the more I can see how this has influenced me and honestly, I think this is pretty cool.
Here comes the embarrassing part: For what feels like a long time now I've really thought about composing some novel about myself. But not just so people know about me but like an inspirational thing that shows that going through shit in life can really make you learn who you are and what you have the potential to be. I have a journal I've written in since freshman year with numerous letters to my dad about my life and poetry and pictures and just everything. I have saved letters from people and advice from people in writing. I have bible verses and quotes and song lyrics. I have a book written already its just all spread out. I just feel like I have always been called to make a change or influence people. Sadly, I feel completely conceited even saying this. I also have the issue of being ashamed of parts of my life and some things I've done to cope that I am scared at this point to put in writing because of judgement from others. That is also not me at all to be scared of judgement. I have always felt and said that you should always embrace the past and not regret things because they make you who you are. It's just something I think I should wait on I guess. I just feel like I would be able to inspire people and that's what I want to do. I want to use my inspiration to inspire others. Even after writing this I don't feel any better about my thoughts. I am just left here sitting feel conceited and useless to the world and embarrassed because I put something online that I have never really talked to someone about. I guess I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I think it's a weird. I also think that I would have never really talked about it so a blog is getting somewhere. So now I guess I'm off to reflect more with these confusing thoughts and no way to decipher them.

~Stevie~

-Enchainment-

Preface:
Okay so this blog has been influenced by one of my friends blogs. When I read her blog I felt like those words that she wrote were words from my own mouth. All of my thoughts and emotions just blew up inside. Does that even make sense? Her blog was all about being stuck in a situation when you can't go out and be yourself. A situation when you feel like you live a double life because that's all you can do: "one [life](the more dominant) feels very chained down and stuck. the other [life] wants to be life changing but at the same time glamorous."
Response:
This is exactly how I feel and I'm not sure why I've never written about it before. I have always wanted to be the person who can go out into the world confident and ready to make change and to be changed. I want to be a leader and a person people look up to. I don't want to be a president. I want to make a change for the better, I want to support a cause, I want to influence people, I want to be influenced, I want to leave something behind in this world worth mentioning. That doesn't mean I want to be some famous person with recognition all over the place. That is not my intention. If that ever happened it would be by pure luck. Everyday I come home and reflect on how my day went and I think about what was accomplished and usually its not a lot. I want to come home and be happy about how my day went and I want everyday to be of use. I was to make some one happy every day. I want to help someone every day. I want to CREATE something EVERYDAY. Create is such a powerful word when it is used in this context. To create something means to make something out of nothing and that's what I am all about. I want to get away from society and all its pressures. Some day I would just like to take a week of my life and do things every day that make me feel like I have accomplished something. I am sick of living in the life that society makes me live. The one that chains me down and makes me into their puppet on strings. It really does make me feel fake because that is not the intention of my life. I don't feel like I was born to live the life everyone else does. I feel like I am called to be something greater and to do more. Before I die I want to be able to say that I lived a full life. I know I have time to accomplish this but it all depends on if time decides it's on my side.

~Stevie~

This WOULD happen.

This weekend was wonderful. I just can't believe how going to a different place can change my mood so much. I felt so good the entire weekend. I felt like I could be myself and I didn't have to try and be more. I saw Northwestern (conclusion= it's pretty) and Caroline showed me around so that was pretty tight. Then after that Skye and I met up with Julianne and had a fantastic time just looking through shops (we saw an AWESOME candle, just, fyi) and then we went to Pick Me Ups which is this cute little cafe that had really good food. A few reasons why I like hanging out with them: I don't always so it's more special, good stories, we can judge people together, i can say rude comments that i think are funny and they think so too. Then today we went shopping a bit on State street. It was just one of those weekends that was barely planned. It was relaxing and just nice.

THEN, I GOT HOME. Mother has not been home this weekend and refrained from telling me. At this moment she is at Hooters--ew. So now I have to do everything she has not because I need them done and she told me she was going to do them. I got home about 40 minutes ago. Tonight, this is what I have to accomplish:
--A weeks worth of laundry--This includes folding it and putting it away.
--Normal Grocery Shopping
--Shopping for things I need for the choir trip
--Getting a prescription filled
--All the homework from Wednesday night, Thursday night, and the weekend
--Honors US Studies project (just some of it)
--Dishes--Washing them and and putting them away.
--Eat?
--Sleep?
--Shower?
--Relax?
--De-stress?

I'm not seeing all of this getting done tonight and I have a full schedule this week...
So basically, I'm fucked.

A Song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a62OsCXZTYI

=]]

"Everything You Ever Wanted" --Hawk Nelson

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting


It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault


I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you


Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever I
used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting


You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces


It took the seasons going by
To know its not my fault


I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you


I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you


I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything but you


I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

run away.

So I cant tell you how happy I am that tomorrow I will being going out of town to Chicago. I need to get away and not bring any of my "at home" life with me. I can't stand being home anymore. I have to leave and I wish I could just never come back. I can't stand coming home to no one anymore. I can't stand no having anyone care. And most of all, I wish that I had someone to encourage me with school work because my willpower has failed me to the max. There are some times when I just don't want to be responsible anymore and I just want to depend on someone, but that can never happen. So right now the best thing for me to do is to get away because being here is useless. I left early from school today and slept for 6 hours. I woke up feeling much better and then I was stupid and I went to dance so now I feel horrible again. I have homework to do and I have to clean my room in order for my mother to pay for my prom ticket and I am not allowed to do either until I pack for Chicago. So basically I have decided I am not going to school tomorrow because it's pointless to go to school with no work done and feeling like crap. I just wish I could go to sleep. ugh. I guess I will just have to see how tonight goes and how I feel in the morning because I am not about to go to school if I can get away with not going.

~Stevie~

Excuse Me?!

ME: "Mom, Alicia invited me to prom because she has an extra ticket and she wants me to go with her."
MOTHER: "This doesn't have anything to do with being gay does it?"

EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS ONE OF THE WORST THINGS THAT HAS EVER COME OUT OF HER MOUTH. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT. IF I WOULD HAVE SAID YES I WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO GO TO PROM. I'M NOT GAY BUT DOES THAT MEAN IF I WAS SHE WOULD DISOWN ME?!

I HUNG UP ON THAT BITCH. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

~Stevie~

Who I'd Be

I could be a poet

and write a different story

one that tells of glory

and wipes away the lies

into the sky id throw it

the stars would do the telling

the moon would help with spelling

and night would dot the "I"s

I'd write the verse

recite the joke

with wit and perfect timing

I'd share my heart

confess the things I yearn

and do it all while rhyming

That is a part of a song from shrek: the musical. Everytime I listen to it it always makes me feel like im invincible. I'm not really sure why it just had the right words and I am a dreamer and a wisher. This song is all about your dreams and your "perfect ending". Sometimes It's nice to pretend you were a part of a fairy tale. You then feel beautiful and powerful and hopeful. Words like these always make me think about what would happen if ANYTHING really was possible. People could follow their dreams and ambitions and have a fairytale ending with their prince and ride off into the sun set.

There is 35 days of school left and definitely not enough time to get my grades where I want them to be. I wish I could just be as smart as other people so I wouldn't even have to worry about this. wah wah. I have been thinking about theater for next year and honestly this year theater at my school was not fun. I learned some, but I really didn't enjoy it. I think I was just so stressed the whole year that I didnt have time to enjoy what I was doing. It makes me wonder how next year is going to be and it scares me. I am worried that I wont want to do anything next year even though right now I can't wait for senior year. I want to be thespian president more than anything right now and I want to be a good rolemodel. I want to enjoy what I do and I want to enjoy being with people. I guess really im looking to next year. Im looking forward to living out my life to the fullest with out homework and school getting in the way soo much. I'm a bad student. I dont care enough about my education at any given time. Just my future. Which is a really unfortunate circumstance. Im just ready for this year to be over.

~Stevie~

Freshman Year Poetry

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND I WROTE THESE THREE YEARS AGO.

Untitled #1

They stand and stare
yet say nothing
like a statue
they say their sorry
and give you their pity

He’s gone and will be forever
figuring out what to do with yourself
you stop there and sob
As tears roll down your face
You realize that nothing will ever be the same

Everything is changing
but I’m standing still
like hitting the pause button
I stand and think
he'll never be back
and he'll never be well
life moves on

days go by
so do weeks
they get longer and longer
like in slow motion
they almost freeze

one thing that saves me
that makes me happy
I can’t always have
my fantastic friends
they're by my side
and support me one hundred percent
with out them I’d be nothing

I take it a day at a time
and move step by step
with people by my side
I keep pushing
life keeps going
and there are ways of going along with it

Untitled #2

She floats away
down the old rugged path
she feels no harm
she is free
traveling as she pleases

she doesn't know where shes going
or where shes been
it doesn't matter

from tree to tree
he follows
as if her shadow

in her ear
he whispers his angelic words
turning around
she follows him

he leads her back down the road
the luminous light gets farther away
and darkness succeeds
shes taken on a treturous journey
the surroundings close in on her
and her sweet melody is mute
everything is turning

helpless and hurting
she feels lost
her once warm heart is frozen
she is slowly slipping away

she screams as loud as she can
but no one hears her
he conscience is gaining up on her
it talks to her
it told her to stay away

soon things start melting
her ivory skin turns to black

her Father is waiting
for those few words
the ones to save her

she suffers
the most anyone could
she knows whats to come

she looks up to the thrown
and beacons her king

forgive me

He Is Risen!

Acts 2:24
But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him.

Matthew 28:6

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

Romans 10:9

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Mark 16:6
"Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him.

<3

What to do? What to do?

Okay, so for the past two weekends I have had at least one friend over in the late hours of the night and during these conversations the same topic pops up in there somewhere. We end up talking about someone we know. It's just out of concern of course but I thought about it a lot this week and the more we discuss the topic the more in depth I think about it. Is it really possible for someone to be able to show no emotion? For someone to have things so psychologically embedded in them that they can't get past it? It is. It just makes me want to look at this person and tell him everything I think and tell him that he needs to avoid a certain person and get out. He needs to find a more human and healthy way to relieve the stress that he basically doesn't share with anyone. It makes me sad that this is happening because he seems worn out and out of it and then his friends also suffer from this by worrying about him. All people want to do is just make things better for him and he wont listen to them. He wont listen to an outsider in the situation. He sees things differently and just doesnt want to accept reality. I think people have done what they can until someone thinks of a different idea because forcing him is not the way to do it. It's so hard for me to watch all this happening between my friends because with this kind of situation I know that everyone has to be very careful with what they do or say because they want to maintain a good relationship with him. The only thing I can think of to do right now is to pray about it. Honestly, this really isn't a situation that is the most related to me so I will do what I can. I will support my friends in what they do about this and help them with anything they need. I feel like that's all I am able to do. Unfortunately that's something I really cant stand...the fact that I cant change something for the better when its right in front of my face. I just want him to feel better and be able to be who he used to be and for my other friends so they don't have to worry about him. This is a sticky situation and no one really is sure what to do yet and i have faith in my other friends to come up with something. It's always hard when you want to make a change and you don't know how to or have the power to or the training to. I guess the reality is that only time will tell.

~Stevie~

Do you need some cheese with that whine?

I gave up today. I tried to stay at school all day. I left after lunch and went home and slept. I got woken up at 3:00pm with a call about Broadway revue. It's tonight. I'm excited. But honestly, I am more ready for it to be over. Thankfully it will be soon. After sleeping I feel better than I did. It definitely made my head ache go away so that was good. Anyways, I'm going to talk about something more important now...Easter. Oh yes, its another one of those holidays that is completely over marketed with eggs, candy, Easter egg hunts, the Easter bunny and all of that crap. It also means another time when I have to get together with my family. Thankfully Easter is one of those times when I can deal with it because to me this is really important Holiday if not the MOST important. I don't necessarily believe that Easter is a holiday when you HAVE to get together with the fam, but if you're all getting together to celebrate a common purpose then yes I think its great. Sadly, not very many homes are doing that. Many homes get together, have a ton of food, then get into petty arguments. And by many homes I mean MY home. The reason I love Easter is because, to me, Easter is the one event that constitutes the rest of my life and my beliefs. Without Easter, Jesus would not have died on the cross risen from the dead and I would not be saved and I would have nothing to live for. My life would be dramatically different than it is now with out this event. I cant stress how much this means to me and how weird it is to me that that can happen. It can happen with anything of course because the decisions of everyday affect the happenings of the next day. But the first good Friday happened a million years ago when Christ was first hung on the cross and that still effects me. Even if people don't believe in it it still effects me because I believe its true. I'm just praying that this year the people who I am with will actually think about why we are getting together and spare themselves on less argument. If something goes wrong its okay because are holidays suppose to just be about family and being around people who care about you. That what all those freakin' TV show for little kids say...so why is this something that has gone so far out of style. Cant people appreciate things for what they are? I get aggravated with my life and that's why I write on here, but I never would take it out on other people (at least not on purpose). I really try every day to make the best of the day and thank god that I got another day to live. I hope that on Easter Sunday when my family gets together they can at least be civil and see what I mean. I have my car with my that day and if something happens between my mother and someone else and it creates tension I will drive that hour home right away. I'm over that crap.

~Stevie~

Stress...

So tonight during Broadway revue final dress rehearsal something hit me. I'm not sure what it was but it sucked. all of a sudden I felt really emotionally drained and upset. I started thinking about everything I could possibly think of that would get me upset. I hid it just fine and if people asked if I was okay my answer was "yeah, I'm just thinking, sorry". I was really weird. I all of a sudden felt like tears were going to pour out of my face. So now all I'm trying to figure out is why I feel like crap. I have a stress head ache and my eyes hurt from being tired. Broadway revue has been a bit stressful but not so bad that I should be feeling like this now. I realized that next year is my senior year and Broadway revue has been a great project for my portfolio. I have no one to take pictures of the show tomorrow night unfortunately. This freaks me out. I am behind on school work and ever since my math teacher, Mrs. Golcynski, told me I was disappointing I cant bare to do her work and make her happy. that's my mentality. i cant help it. when someone nags me or tells me something hurtful I don't want to do anything they want me to. Every time a show comes I think about my dad. I know I have talked about this problem before on some type of blog...anyways, It just makes me think about everything he has missed and all the opportunities I have not been able to have with him. It just makes me realize I have more "wah wah" moments in my life than hairs on my head. =\ I think this is just a collection of things that is causing me all this crap. I have gotten head aches I think twice a day for the last week. I just need a break, and a good night sleep. I need the sun to get it's ass out of behind the clouds and to shine on me. I need chocolate and I just need someone who I trust and can confide in with anything. I don't trust many people and honestly I think there's like maybe 2 or 3 people in the world I would tell my feelings to. If I would just stop shutting people out maybe I would feel better...or maybe I wouldn't. Who knows? Obviously I don't. I can't even keep my thoughts straight. So on that note...

~Stevie~

p.s. I think I might start posting some of my poetry from like freshman year because I feel like I need to do something with it even though I think it's horible writing.

I give up.

I'm complaining. I know this is what I avoid, but I can't stand it any longer. I try to blow off my mother issues. I really do. But honestly, I feel like she isn't even a mother. She is a woman who lives in the same house as me and we rarely see each other. I come home make my own dinner, I do my own laundry, I clean the house, I take care of the dog...Most of the time I have no problem with this because I get left alone, but honestly it does get old. I don't have any support coming from home. I go home and my life and my issues are all on me. I have had no time to just chill out because between cleaning the house, doing homework, and theater I am tending to her will or trying to not get screamed at. All she has been telling me for the past year of my life is how horrible I am. I am rude. I am nasty. I am hateful. I am careless. I am a bitch. I am stupid. I hate her. I am condescending. I try to make her life miserable. All of these things she has told me and most of them have been said recently and repeatedly. I don't understand how you can say that about some one when you never see them. In her eyes there is always something wrong with me and she is perfect. I will never achieve what she sees as perfection and I know that, so why do I have to feel so upset about it? I wish I knew. She said tonight that she is not going to Broadway revue. She is going to dye Easter eggs with her boy friend, go shopping for my nephews for Easter, make food, get stuff for gardening, and spend the night at her boy friends house. She would not talk to me about the weekend I'm going to Chicago because she was busy going dancing with her boyfriend even though the main reason I'm going is to see a college that she wants me to see. I just don't know what to do anymore. I care about my grades and I do the best I can and I thought that I was doing pretty well at home with her. I just don't want to be yelled at anymore. I just don't see why a mother wouldn't want to love her child in a way that makes the child happy. does that not make sense? THIS is the reason I have so much trouble trusting people. THIS is the reason why I don't believe in marriage. THIS is the reason that I don't think love really exists. Sometimes I think I sound like a diva. I say "Why can't I just be happy?" Then I realize that I should just not let this bother me. But it does so much. I know this is just a rant and it will help nothing and any advice that could ever be given has been given to me. so really this was pointless and it just makes me want to cry more than I already want to.

~Stevie~

p.s. Mother will be out of town memorial weekend: I WILL be destroying my liver.

Bottle It Up.

Today I tried to hold myself together. I really did. I tried to keep all those emotions inside from everything going on in my life and I failed miserably. I ended by crying because it just didn't stay in anymore. It wasn't really in front of anyone, but it still makes me mad that one person saw it and that I couldn't have held out a little longer. As I think about this and how I show y emotions it makes me think about freshman year. I think that year I cried in front of my entire school at one point and they all noticed completely. So I guess I'm better than I was. Unfortunately looking back at my emotions then and looking at mine now, some of them are still the same and I still think about the same things when I'm upset regardless of what made me upset in the first place. Not many people know about things that went on with me freshman year because they are not something I show any pride in doing. It was stupid and I wish I could forget about it. Honestly, right now at this moment some of it I don't regret doing, considering it made me feel better...however that does NOT mean I plan on repeating my ways. I just think it's odd that I think back to it. I think it's strange that sometimes I think about what would happen if I still did some of the things I did then. My freshman year was a wreck and I was always grounded and I don't even think I'm the same person then as I am now at all. Its hard to see the resemblance. I was mentally sick and had so many problems with my life not even I could count them. I am glad I'm not that same person. I am glad that I will never be that same person. Its just weird for me to look back at my past and see what has created the person I am today because honestly I have no idea how it worked out this well. I don't want to sound conceited, I just mean that I am so much better off and not sick anymore and I can function properly and I have gone back into the right state. I just think I'm lucky that I am this much better. In the end all of this makes me think that things could be so much worse than they are and other people have it way worse than me in this world. It makes me think how stupid I am for being upset about some things. But then again, I can't help my emotions. Therefore, that's why I hide them and crack at school. I just realized what a circle of thoughts I just made.

~Stevie~

MOTHER UPDATE: she has decided a million different times whether she is or is not coming to Broadway revue (the show i designed and helped produce). Mike, her bf, wants to dye Easter eggs that night. I guess I'll see what happens.

Happy Hell Week?

Stress. Something everyone goes through right? Right. But, for some reason I think I have too much of it. The slightest thing can stress me out and I get the worst stress head aches on the face of this earth. You know what I mean? Those head aches that start in your sinuses and spiral down to your neck. That's what I'm talking about. Stress for me is inevitable.
The next step for me after diagnosing the reason for feeling like crap is to figure out why I am having the stress. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is for absolutely no reason. When people tell me to calm down and I say I can't that is not a joke. I really can't. Broadway Revue is comming up and I have designed the whole show technically, blocked some scenes, and I am in it. This show, for me, has been HELL ON EARTH. I mean, as much as I adore theatre and creating something out of nothing, I am over all the immature people and the ammature setting. I know this is normal for high school but since I have worked on professional shows and so when I go back I really have problems adjusting. Sometimes during these shows I just feel like I need to be with people I don't see very often. I love being with people who barely know anything about me because then I can just be myself and not have to watch myself so close. I need a break from school and teachers and homework and life. I just feel like a week off, away from everyone will do me good. Sadly, that's not going to happen. I'm just happy I am going to Chi town in next weekend. It will be awesome to hang out with my best friend and then see some alumni I don't get to talk to very much. And oh yeah...visiting a college. pshhh. I don't really care about that right now. I think I'm just ready for school to be over and to not be at my house so much and to have a new adventure come my way. I look to the future as a postive thing right now and I can't express in words how happy that makes me. Maybe someday I wont have this stress problem as bad, and even if I do have it, it will be because of something I want to do. It wont be school that I am forced to go to and papers I am forced to write. I contemplate my future and I think way too much for my own good.

~Stevie~

Motivation.

"Stevie, Mike showed me this list in the paper...it's all the people

who have straights A's. You're usually on it, but you're not this year."

-Mother

Motivation is a strange concept to me. People have strange motivations for things. Some people have motivation to do their school work and some people have motivation to excel in sports. Some parents have motivations that are a little screwed up. For example, if you just read the quote posted at the top of this page, you will see something my mother said to me just a little while ago. Now, I don't let this kind of stuff bother me as much as I used to, but this just kind of perplexes me. Why would you say that to someone? What motivation is there to make someone feel horrible about them self? Was that really a necessary thing to say? Maybe she thinks it was, but to me, that was kind of a waste of her breath. Does she think it's going to make me think more than I already do? Does she just honestly think she is trying to start and good conversation? Why can't she just be happy with things I have accomplished. My grade in chemistry is now and A as well as my English grade. I've brought up a few grades with a lot of work. I know my history grade sucks, but I really am trying my very best to do all I can to bring it up. I recently got the freakin' motivation back to do my work and care about it. That probably has something to do with that freakin' seasonal depression. Wah wah. I'm just happy the sun has been out and the temperature is a bit higher. Hopefully now my grade will go up and if it doesn't I'll be a little bummed I think but I can't change it at that point so why be mad? Obviously the world wont end if it doesn't turn out how I want it to. This is just one of those situations when I wish my dad was here to tell me it was okay. To tell me that I am good enough for him. To tell me that he is proud of me. To tell me to stay confident because I have trouble doing it on my own. To just hug me when I'm upset or confused or frustrated. It's been so long since I've had someone just genuinely hug me and tell me they love me and that they are proud of me. Most people who tell me (or anyone for that matter) they're proud, say that for that moment and then disappear. Does that make sense? I guess you just can't rely on people. Anways, back to motivation. How does your body and mind decide what it feels like or does not feel like doing? Why do people do some of the strange and or stupid things that they do? Do they really have a reason or is it impulse that you "just cant help"? Why do you get these impulses? I don't know. Maybe one day I'll find out, but until then I guess I just will wonder...

~Stevie~

People.

Have I ever mentioned how much I can't stand people? I know sometimes I say that when I'm frustrated, but this time is one of those times when it is past being frustrated. I am just plain fed up with them. Unfortunately I have to deal with them for the rest of my life. Many people are responsible for how I think of people in general. I know I should base my thoughts off of those few people, considering every one is different, but I have has many agree with me when I say this: people live for themselves. they are mature at the wrong times, they don't think about what is best for everyone in a given situation, they don't ever just give because they can...there always has to be a reason for them to give to someone or be nice to someone--they always have to get something in return. Now, I'm not saying that I have NEVER done this, because I have. On the other hand, I feel like I have learned from those experiences and I have honest friends who will let me know if I went over board. I am over the people who: ignore people, hang up on people, stop talking to people for good, leave others behind, give when its convenient, don't forgive others at some point, don't give others the time of day, don't care about other opinions, aren't courtious, and just don't freakin' give a shit. This is a world where anything can be accomplished and everyone can be happy at some point in their life. Really, as far as I can tell, the reason for so many people being unhappy is the fact that they make themselves unhappy. I'm not saying they go out of their way to be miserable, I'm saying that you can prevent some things from bringing you down and you can prevent others from being brought down. I know life sucks. That's how it is and that's always how its going to be. So why not find ways around it? I am not going to let others bring me down. I want to bring others up. That's why I don't let people know I'm upset anymore, that why I don't talk about what goes on in my head or how my emotions are like a roller coaster. Because the world would be happier if people just stopped shooting others down and started bringing people up. I know this is just a wishful rant, but I'm just saying.

~Stevie~

Diplomacy

Main Entry: di·plo·ma·cy
Pronunciation: \də-ˈplō-mə-sē\
Function: noun
Date: 1796
1 : the art and practice of conducting negotiations between nations
2 : skill in handling affairs without arousing hostility : tact

Over the past few years I have grown up a tremendous amount. I have grown to be more mature, more confident, more honest, more faithful, and I have developed more of what I call character. Throughout these years there have been many times that I think I have just forgotten about because it wasn't the best experience or I really just didn't care about remembering it. Now that I look back I see that every single day plays into how I am now no matter what I was doing. Every day plays into who you are the next day.
So now I'm looking at how I am now and after a long talk with one of my teachers today on the phone I realize there's one step I am in the process of perfecting and I am determined to perfect this trait before leaving high school. The trait I am talking about is diplomacy. Being the person I am, this is one thing I always have to keep in check because I know I am a person with a short fuse. When people frustrate me, I love to walk away and take a breather and then step back into the conversation when I am ready to talk so I can avoid saying something I don't want to say. I just want to think on my own instead of just blurting out whatever comes to my mind. In all honesty, I know that the world doesn't work that way and I am going to have to be able to stay in the room and hold my ground.
Now, when I'm thinking about all of this I have to put into consideration the people I'm talking to, what were talking about, and what kind of environment I'm in. In a high school setting I know that it is permitted to walk out on a conversation when it's not during school considering people do it all the time. Teachers walk out on students and vice versa. I know this isn't how things work in the rest of the world, so doesn't that mean that is shouldn't happen there? I guess not. In the real world, walking out, to me, means that you are quiting or giving up which is not that same as high school. So this brings me to say that I do not want to be one of the people who will walk out on a situation. I want to stand my ground and take things professionally regardless of the setting and I want to be called out if I'm not being diplomatic.
In saying this, I know that hell week for a show is coming up next week and I am the technical director and this is going to be my test. I am dealing with some diva's in the theater department and I am not about to become a diva myself. My teacher said that he is also like this, so he said that he wants me to be able to learn this earlier than he did and before I leave high school because if I don't learn it before college it's too late for me to screw up. He said that's what some other people are going to have problems with because they are too power hungry and they don't have a good balance. I don't want to be that person and I am told that next year I am and example in the theater department and I think that's true. So I am going to do my best and keep my cool. I am going to stay on top of things and stay in the middle and not let my emotions and passion get involved with my work. I will not pick one extreme or the other because I know I can do this. Because I truly believe that if your heart is set on something anything can be achieved--no matter how cliche that is.

~Stevie~