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I remember a long time ago [during my freshman year?] having a conversation with someone I looked up to very much and I still look up to her even though we don't talk as much as we used to. I remember laying on my trampoline hesitant to ask her a question. I finally asked her: "Have you ever done anything you regret because of stress from your mother and/or your life?". The answer was yes and that's when the conversation began. She had gone through some of the same things that I was going through and she explained to me what she went through that she regretted and that it still really hadn't ended completely. This came up this year too. She still had not gotten over it completely and she said it will probably never end completely end. I thought of this conversation when I recently ended up re-living something from my freshman year and I thought that that would never happen. It is at this moment when I wish I talked to that girl more still more than ever. I miss her and quite frankly she's the one who helped me last time. At least I know that I am not alone in this situation.
I never wanted this to happen and I disappointed someone that is one of the most important people in my life. I didn't want to tell her but I knew she wanted to know what was going on...this is one part of my life I wanted her to never have to step foot in. I feel horrible and now she is going to worry about me. I know that I can always count on her, but at the same time I am the one who made this bed for myself and I feel like now I should just have to lye in it no matter how upset I am. I just wish it had never happened and I wish my friend could just be mad at me like I am at myself. It's so much easier to deal with someone who is mad at you then someone who is disappointed by you or worried about you. She shouldn't have to have to worry about me...even though she says she wants to be there for me even though she knows she doesn't have to. How can she be so nice and caring when I have done something so stupid that I am so ashamed of? I am lucky to have someone like her in my life. I know she will be there for me even when I don't deserve it.

Summer?

Summer is almost here and I cant tell you how excited I am about that. I did chalk yesterday and it felt so good to just be creative and not worry about anything except for what my mind is producing. I love doing anything creative because I like to create something out of nothing. Finals are coming up super fast meaning I am starting to get SUPER stressed out. It has come to the point that I have to depend on my final grades to help my semester grades and my GPA. That scares me shitless. I just really haven't cared about school enough this year and I know that. I know that whatever happens happens and there's nothing I can do about it. I also know that in ten years I probably wont care about how I did this year. I think all I really need is summer. I need to be able to relax and maybe sleep. Sleep would definitely be beneficial. I have so many things going on this summer. I am working at Stages St. Louis and the Opera Theater of St. Louis. I also am going to wisconsin with my family that is not my mother and I have a list of awkward things to accomplish this summer. I am excited for sleep overs and going to the park and swimming and more chalk paintings. So much has happened this year and I can't tell you how happy I am that it is almost over lol. I am excited for next year and I am actually excited for The Wizard of Oz now. I want to be a flying monkey because they are goign to tumble and I think they are awesome lol. I dont know. I just want to get in shape this summer and that is most definitely a motivation because now I have a reason to get rid of nasty fat and get my abs back and make my backtuck and back handsprings and such perfected. These are just some things going through my head right now... I guess this was kind of a pointless post, but I just felt the need to write.

~Stevie~

Gone Fishin'

So, the closer summer comes the more bummed I get about not being able to go down to the country. I want nothing more to be down on my dad's land right now. I want to see the clear skies full of stars and the grass the so green it's almost sickening. I want to swim in the river and do back flips out of trees. I want to fucking go skinny dipping in the river before it has been sold. I want to ride my fourwheeler around everywhere until I can't feel my butt anymore and my thumb is numb. I want to be so gross and sweaty from the day and not even care at night. I want to barbeque and make s'mores. I want to sleep in the trailor I always have and wake up to the birds chirping like I love. One weekend soon I am going to go down there. It's a two hour drive that I have no problem doing and I wish I could do it right now. I don't know who the hell would come with me or who would even be allowed to but I don't care. At this point in time I am willing to go alone. I ache for my old childhood summers. It hurts me so much to know that soon it will be impossible for them even to happen. Mother is selling the land. She is selling my childhood. She is selling the place where I put my dads ashes. They floated down the river and rolled across the land in the wind. That will no longer exist to me except in my memories. I feel like my memories are a tourturing device and they are being used against me. All I wish I could do is run away from my thoughts and feelings. I want these emotions to stop changing and I want to not have to guess what's going to happen each day with my life.
My mind is made up. I'm leaving within the next two weeks. Probably after school on the last day. It's a half day and mother even told me I could go.

It just hurts too much to stay and not know what is going on down there without me.

~Stevie~

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How could you do that to me? After all that shit you gave me and after being that huge asshole you are. I know you might not realize it, but this screws with my emotions. I don't know why because I know you aren't that big of a deal. Why can't you just do what you said you were going to do? WHY are you such a douche bag. THIS is why we haven't been able to be just friends...because YOU wont let that happen. So you know what? Fine. I wanted to be friends with you, but I'm done trying to be friends with someone who doesn't have the ability to do so. Fuck you.

Digging Myself Into A Hole...

Today I am in that mood where you are thinking so much that it causes you to be anti-social. I have been thinking a mile a minute and I don't even know what about. It's just about EVERYTHING. It's really annoying actually. I'm in the mood for deep conversation or analyzing quotes because I need some wise words to think about. I looked at quotes a couple days ago and there are some that just stick out to me. Of course, they are about life and people. I think I have a slight problem with over thinking. I analyze anything and everything and I love to see how people act. I like to figure things out about people and they just fascinate me. I don't mean in a creepy way though. I just mean that they are interesting subjects...I like looking for the good in people and it makes me sad when they have qualities that people frown upon. It makes me sad and it makes me be ashamed to be a part of the human race...its just disappointing.

Anyways, here are some of the quotes I read:

1) "There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who wont anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people fr0m your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it into your future." - Anonymous

2) "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." -Anonymous

3) "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways" -John Wayne

4) "The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience." -Eleanor Roosevelt

5) "The only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs." -Anonymous

6) "Confidence is the ability to feel beautiful without needing someone to tell you first but smiling when someone does." -Anonymous

7) "Love can be magic, but sometimes magic can just be an illusion." -Anonymous

8) "The easiest thing in the world is to be you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position." -Leo Buscaglia

9) "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. " -Maya Angelou.

10) "Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them." -Marcus Aurelius

All these make me think so much about things I want in life and what I can accomplish. They make me think of mistakes I've made and small things I've gotten upset over. I love to be positive and say everything is going to be okay, but it's so hard to see a future that is so far away and I want so much out of my life. Society doesn't allow you to "Live each day as if it's your last". I want out of what I'm dealing with now. THIS is not the life I have dreamed of living. I hate how society puts dreams on hold. I can't be at this house anymore being held back. That's not who I am.

Also, I have also come to the conclusion with the whole mother situation. And that is that I have NO idea what I'm going to do about it. I also have some weird stress thing going on. Whenever she comes near me I feel really tense (more than usual) and my neck hurts and when she kisses me I feel strange. Like my neck hurts worse and when she kissed me before she went to bed I had to stretch my neck out and it actually hurt. It's hard to explain. I feel like I'm almost feeling stinging from her touching me. I just get really uncomfortable. Her being around me makes me think about everything that has ever happened between me and her. It makes me think of her face when she threatens me or how she used to look at me before she used to hit me. I started crying. My emotions and mental stability are all fucked up and it scares me. This is unhealthy.

~Stevie~

Emotional Roller Coaster

It seems like this past month has just been a crazy time. My emotional and mental stability has been fluctuation in huge amounts and I'm pretty sick of it. I think there's just so much going on with my home-life and with school that I just can't keep up with either. I have one more year until I can get out of this house I'm stuck in. Since I was 14 the plan was to divorce my mother at the age of 17 when it is legal. I am now 17 and I could have done that by now. The problem is college and the fact that I want to stay at my school. The more I stay with her though the more college doesn't seem worth it. In reality I know it will be, but it's just so hard to walk home to nobody and to have no one to support you. It's weird when I walk in my house and my mother mentions that I am home for the first time in a long time when in reality I had been home every day after school for 3 weeks consecutively and she hadn't noticed. I'm more used to how things are now though and I have friends that are here to go through things with me so I think everything will be okay in the end. There are just those small stepping stones I have to get across.
This year I have realized a lot about people and I now live knowing that they can't always be trusted, and no matter what happens, there will always be immature people. No matter what age a person is there is always the teenager or kid in them that is malicious and rude. I got a great example of this today when my friends blog was mocked. I feel like that is one of those things you just cannot do to someone. When people chose to put their thoughts online they chose how they want to do it. If a blog isn’t hurting anyone I don’t understand why there is such a problem with one that you would have to mock it. It hurts the writer and it’s just not fair that they can’t have their own thoughts not be disturbed. I have thoughts racing through my head all the time and if I could not write some of them down I would explode. Some of them aren’t even that personal, but they just need to get out in some way.
As of right now I have 14 days of school left. Those days could not be going by any slower. I need out. I need to be able to focus on ONE thing at a time. My brain is just tired. Thankfully there are some fun things coming up and some things I can look forward to:

1. Senior Directed One-Acts
2. A Half-Day
3. The Last Choir Concert
4. Senior Wars
5. A-Men Extravaganza
6. Weekends
7. Starting work at the Opera Theater-seeing my friends from there!
8. Memorial Day Weekend =P
9. The Potato Party
10. Graduation Parties
11. Yearbook novels
12. SUMMER.

I guess those are just some of the basics to look forward to until school ends. It makes it easier to get through the day when something more exciting than school is going to be happening…
Soon I will be free.

~Stevie~

P.S. This summer, I think I might be able to get the bar piercing in my inner conch that I want!

Either that or my snug...

Disillusionment...

So I'm thinkin it's about time that I update this thing. I've wanted to blog for a while now, but I haven't been able to organize my thoughts well enough to get anything out.
I've realized from past weeks that I really don't like very many people right now and I need a break. I am sick of the people in the drama department because they create DRAMA. There are only a few people I can deal with or like and there are a few people I want to spend my social life with. I love to hang out with people that aren't from my school and people older than me. I like to hang out with people I don't normally see as well. I just can't stand the same old shit the people at school throw at me. There are so many more people that have deep conversation with me and that won't judge me. I think that's WHY I like people older than me because even that one or two more years just makes a difference. Also, when you hang out with people from other schools not everyone you know knows them. You can talk about so much more and connect with them better because you don't have to worry about what they've heard or what they could potentially say about you. Lately, I feel like I've been able to be myself and I've connected with more people and it's been fantastic. I've grown closer to Abigail in particular these past few months and I am so happy that I can just be crazy and wild or calm and serious and whichever mood I am in she is all for it. I honestly feel like she is the one person that has always been there for me and I've told people that. I know I can trust her to be there and I will always be there for her. I like being able to trust someone with things that really no one else knows. She seems to be one of the only people who genuinely CARE about what I have to say or how I feel. She is also HONEST with me and that's exactly what is needed out of every person--sadly, that is hard to find.
This has been a hard year and I can't express with words how happy I am that it's almost over. I am so ready to get rid of the stress headaches and the homework and the people and the teachers and just chill. I want to start my internship and get paid to do something I love. I am not really looking forward to next year though which is sad. I am not really sure that I am going to do thespians. One of my teachers lied to me and one of my friends this past week about something big that is going to influence the year and it has created an issue between us and him. I don't want to not do thespians because of it but I have a lot of things going through my head and once they get sorted out I will make my decision. I will make it before school starts so there is time to find someone to replace me necessary. I don't want to be an ass about it--I just need to make a choice. My schedule next year is a little lighted than this year though so that should help me out a lot with stress.

Initiation week with thespians was fun though. Not as good as last year except for the kidnapping group I was in. The kidnapping was awesome. Sadly, I have that whole issue with being sick of people and I just really wasn't interested in being with them. This is what happened with my friend Maddie as well. She got a spot in office and then people were stupid and she became uninterested- to say the least. I don't want that to be happening to me because I have loved thespians so much in the past. I guess I just have to take this situation one day at a time.

Also, the past week, I think I might have lost a friend. It's this guy who has had a crush on me forever and he decided to be a douche bag to me and my friend. He thinks I'm pissed at him, but honestly I am over it and I just don't care. If he wants to be friends with me he's gonna have to grow some balls and stop being an ass hole and come talk to me. That's the end with that.

Speaking of stress, next year in January my mother is putting the house up for sale. I keep being nagged to start getting rid of things and she told me she is not going to keep anything of mine. The only thing she will keep is my dad's rocking chair. She keeps saying "In January, I'm putting the house up for sale and I'm moving!". Now, does that mean I am not? Do I have a room at this new house? I'm assuming will be in St. Charles because that's where her boy friends house is. I don't think shes moving in WITH him, so I don't understand why she can't keep my shit in boxes while I'm away at college. I cant being everything I own to college with me...it just doesn't work that way. So I think I have to keep my shit everywhere else except with her which is going to be a pain in the ass considering I don't even know where I'm staying when i come home from college. Everything in my house that has to do with my dad has disappeared and has been replaced with pictures of my mothers boy friend Mike. She makes me take family photos with her and him and I am NOT a part of that family. I am anxious about the upcoming year because there is not way to predict it (in a bad way).
Finally, it was toward the end of my night and I was starting to sober up. My friend was saying how she had to leave because she had never told her mom she was out. I just remember saying that I didn't want her to go because I didn't want to be alone because I am always alone. I said that more than once. Now looking back on it, I realize how much I really meant it. I do get sick f being alone and I am home alone a lot. I love it when my friends are over because then I feel like I am cared about and I love not being alone. I mean, sometimes I like being alone, but those times have a purpose. I like being alone to do hw or to think or write and sometimes when I'm doing something artistic. But when I'm home so much and theres no one else I just like the presence of someone else. This is not something I usually admit to people just because I feel like this should not impact me as much as it does. I really have learned so much about myself this year and those people who told me junior year is the year you will change are so right. Reality becomes even more real than it used to be...
These are just a few things that have been running through my head lately...I guess all the questions I have might someday be answered. Maybe not. But I guess until then I'm just going to take things one day at a time and just keep trying to think of ways to dig me out of this life I'm living. I know there is something more out there than what I am experienceing now and I know that I just have to find a way to accomplish it. Until then I think I'm just going to be stuck...

~Stevie~

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"The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position." -Leo Buscaglia