Written 3/30/09

Change. For some reason that one word is something I think about a lot. I would love to say that I am completely okay with change and I like it, but it is quite honestly the opposite. Change actually scares the crap out of me. Considering that is all I feel like my life is. I don't really have a constant in my life. I feel like its a roller coaster all the time. There is always a fluctutaion on emmotions to go along with it. Ever since my dad died this is how things seem to be. I it weird that this is something I think about every day. That fact that he's dead? I don't know. I'm assuming that its not completely natural, but I'm not saying I hate the fact that I think about it. I think a lot, so if I'm going to think of something I might as well thing of someone who cared about me the most. So now I'm off topic. Back to change. Even though change scares me, looking back some of the changes that have happened have happened for the best and some haven't. This is what makes me think that everything happens for a reason. This year has been the epitimy of change.
-- I have to look at colleges and focus on my future. The more I think about it the more I realize how much I have avoided this part of my life. All I can think about is what happens when things get screwed up rather than all of the things that could go well.
-- My mother got a boy friend. She told me he would not replace my father but the more I see things play out the more I see that this was a lie. I don't know if she meant to lie to me or not about this but regardless this is what has happened. She doesn't come home anymore--not that I hate that, but I feel like a mother should be sometimes. She has resorted to yelling at me over the phone because she's not home enough to do it in person. Her and her boyfriend are not steady and she complains about him a lot like im her friend when I know for a fact she doesnt really care about my opionion she just likes to talk.This year for one of the dances my friends and I took pictures and my mother made me take a picture with her and her boyfriend--like a family photo. I know it shouldn't upset me, but it did. My mother took down all of the pictures that were hung up and has removed dad from my house. She is selling our fourwheelers and the 90 acres of land we have in the country. THIS is one thing that I haven't really talked about. People know that ir pisses me off but they don't realize the connection I have with it. The horses were already sold and my dad and I used to ride together often just like the fourwheelers. I used to race them and he was there to support me for it every single time. My mother showed up once and she was late and missed it. Big suprise. I just think this is hard because this was my childhood and all I have left is the memories now. It just kind of sucks. People have recently asked me about my dad and how he died and for the first time all I could say was "Diabetes. Ill talk to you about it sometime." and I went about me business. Ive never NOT wanted to talk about him. Now I never want to out loud. It just stays in my head and explodes to the people online because I can't hold it in any longer. So that makes me wonder. Am I trying to forget about him to make this pain easier? I guess one day I'll know that answer.
-- I am designing an entire show that happens in less than two weeks. It is called Broadway Revue and I have been honored with the job of Technical Director. I am being trusted to take on a job like this. This thrills me more than ever.
-- My internship at Stages. It is a 40 hour a week job. This usually goes to college students and im a junior in HIGHSCHOOL. I think this is an awesome opportunity but I am terrified that I will just screw up or not prove myself worthy. Same with my portfolio that I have been constructing since last summer. It shows everything I have done in theater for my whole high school carreer. I have wored on two professional shows and I have survived people I havent wanted to be with and learned a lot. I think I just need to go there for the first day and then I'll be fine. I just want people to see that I really am a hard worker and determined to learn as much as possible even though sometimes I get side tracked.
-- I have done things this year that I thought I just wasnt interested in. I guess in reality getting drunk isn't the best thing to do, but I had some of the best fun I've ever had. I have experienced something that is really like nothing else in the world. This doesn't mean I am going to do this all the time, but it is something to experience and I'm not going to lie I really liked it and I like that I did it before college happened and I'll probably do it again sometime in the future.
-- I have learned who my REAL friends are. I have found out who REALLY cares about me. I am convinced that you have to let the right people come to you because no matter what you do for others, if they don't really care about you theyre never going to. So I let people know I care about them and I find out if they care in return. I feel like there are some people who look for the bad in people or only see the bad in people. There are some people who can't forgive others. There are some that can't give for the sake of giving. There are also people that are the complete opposite of these traits. I have realized it is a lot easier to accept the fact that most people dont really care about anyone but themselves and I really dont like people in general. I love some people but I find myself saying that I hate people a lot. Wah wah. same with my best friend. so thats kind fo comforting. But, you know what? The strange thing about this whole thing is that as much as I hate people, I think they are so fascinating. Not in a creepy way, but in the way that people are interesting. They just are all so different and they all act so differently and that is so cool to me that people can be so alike and the same species yet SO different.
-- I have grown in my faith way more than I thought I ever would and I love to talk about it. Enough said.
-- I have a new way of thinking about things. Its weird because I notice I observe things more closely and I try to analyze a lot of things. lol. That's not such a bad thing.
-- I start thanking God for each day. I try to live it to the fullest. I am going to do my best to NOT give up on this.
-- I hated bloging and now I love it. Maybe because these arent as depressing as they used to be a couple years ago.
-- I don't get enough sleep because I am always awake doing pointless things...yet not so pointless. So on that note. I am going to get about 4 hours of sleep tonight. That's a change that obviously just kind of sucks.

~Stevie~