Insanity at its greatest.

So you know those times when something happens and you really need to tell someone about it because it's so obnoxious or exciting? Yeah, Well, THIS is one of those times. It is 7:11 AM on Tuesday. I was in the middle of a good dream (which now I don't remember) when my alarm went off. I layed there longer than usual just to think and that's when I realized I had fallen asleep last night from doing my Honors US Studies AP history homework and I have still not completed my math homework or chemistry. Right when I get up my mother calls and asks me where I put her debit card after borrowing it yesterday and I quote "shiiiiitttttt" as my answer to that. It's at my house in my wallet ready to be used. So basically this shows how ridiculous someone can be because I definitely have to go late to school today and miss chemistry (I suck at it) to go drive out to St.Charles to her work (I have NO idea what circle of HELL that's in) and deliver it to her. She said she does not care about school and after talking to her she agreed she would call me in late. So basically my mother's insanity has allotted me more time for the homework I didn't do and to finish my history homework I fell asleep on. Then again, she doesn't know that and she's going to hold this over me for the rest of my life and probably not talk to me at all for a while. But whats the difference? She really doesn't talk to me now. lol
In conclusion: There is, for once, a bright side to my mother's mental in-stability.

~Stevie~

Written 3/30/09

Change. For some reason that one word is something I think about a lot. I would love to say that I am completely okay with change and I like it, but it is quite honestly the opposite. Change actually scares the crap out of me. Considering that is all I feel like my life is. I don't really have a constant in my life. I feel like its a roller coaster all the time. There is always a fluctutaion on emmotions to go along with it. Ever since my dad died this is how things seem to be. I it weird that this is something I think about every day. That fact that he's dead? I don't know. I'm assuming that its not completely natural, but I'm not saying I hate the fact that I think about it. I think a lot, so if I'm going to think of something I might as well thing of someone who cared about me the most. So now I'm off topic. Back to change. Even though change scares me, looking back some of the changes that have happened have happened for the best and some haven't. This is what makes me think that everything happens for a reason. This year has been the epitimy of change.
-- I have to look at colleges and focus on my future. The more I think about it the more I realize how much I have avoided this part of my life. All I can think about is what happens when things get screwed up rather than all of the things that could go well.
-- My mother got a boy friend. She told me he would not replace my father but the more I see things play out the more I see that this was a lie. I don't know if she meant to lie to me or not about this but regardless this is what has happened. She doesn't come home anymore--not that I hate that, but I feel like a mother should be sometimes. She has resorted to yelling at me over the phone because she's not home enough to do it in person. Her and her boyfriend are not steady and she complains about him a lot like im her friend when I know for a fact she doesnt really care about my opionion she just likes to talk.This year for one of the dances my friends and I took pictures and my mother made me take a picture with her and her boyfriend--like a family photo. I know it shouldn't upset me, but it did. My mother took down all of the pictures that were hung up and has removed dad from my house. She is selling our fourwheelers and the 90 acres of land we have in the country. THIS is one thing that I haven't really talked about. People know that ir pisses me off but they don't realize the connection I have with it. The horses were already sold and my dad and I used to ride together often just like the fourwheelers. I used to race them and he was there to support me for it every single time. My mother showed up once and she was late and missed it. Big suprise. I just think this is hard because this was my childhood and all I have left is the memories now. It just kind of sucks. People have recently asked me about my dad and how he died and for the first time all I could say was "Diabetes. Ill talk to you about it sometime." and I went about me business. Ive never NOT wanted to talk about him. Now I never want to out loud. It just stays in my head and explodes to the people online because I can't hold it in any longer. So that makes me wonder. Am I trying to forget about him to make this pain easier? I guess one day I'll know that answer.
-- I am designing an entire show that happens in less than two weeks. It is called Broadway Revue and I have been honored with the job of Technical Director. I am being trusted to take on a job like this. This thrills me more than ever.
-- My internship at Stages. It is a 40 hour a week job. This usually goes to college students and im a junior in HIGHSCHOOL. I think this is an awesome opportunity but I am terrified that I will just screw up or not prove myself worthy. Same with my portfolio that I have been constructing since last summer. It shows everything I have done in theater for my whole high school carreer. I have wored on two professional shows and I have survived people I havent wanted to be with and learned a lot. I think I just need to go there for the first day and then I'll be fine. I just want people to see that I really am a hard worker and determined to learn as much as possible even though sometimes I get side tracked.
-- I have done things this year that I thought I just wasnt interested in. I guess in reality getting drunk isn't the best thing to do, but I had some of the best fun I've ever had. I have experienced something that is really like nothing else in the world. This doesn't mean I am going to do this all the time, but it is something to experience and I'm not going to lie I really liked it and I like that I did it before college happened and I'll probably do it again sometime in the future.
-- I have learned who my REAL friends are. I have found out who REALLY cares about me. I am convinced that you have to let the right people come to you because no matter what you do for others, if they don't really care about you theyre never going to. So I let people know I care about them and I find out if they care in return. I feel like there are some people who look for the bad in people or only see the bad in people. There are some people who can't forgive others. There are some that can't give for the sake of giving. There are also people that are the complete opposite of these traits. I have realized it is a lot easier to accept the fact that most people dont really care about anyone but themselves and I really dont like people in general. I love some people but I find myself saying that I hate people a lot. Wah wah. same with my best friend. so thats kind fo comforting. But, you know what? The strange thing about this whole thing is that as much as I hate people, I think they are so fascinating. Not in a creepy way, but in the way that people are interesting. They just are all so different and they all act so differently and that is so cool to me that people can be so alike and the same species yet SO different.
-- I have grown in my faith way more than I thought I ever would and I love to talk about it. Enough said.
-- I have a new way of thinking about things. Its weird because I notice I observe things more closely and I try to analyze a lot of things. lol. That's not such a bad thing.
-- I start thanking God for each day. I try to live it to the fullest. I am going to do my best to NOT give up on this.
-- I hated bloging and now I love it. Maybe because these arent as depressing as they used to be a couple years ago.
-- I don't get enough sleep because I am always awake doing pointless things...yet not so pointless. So on that note. I am going to get about 4 hours of sleep tonight. That's a change that obviously just kind of sucks.

~Stevie~

Written 3/30/09

This spring break I:

Hung out with friends.
Designed a part of a show.
Did homework.
Ran out of resuraunts to go to.
Participated in earth hour.
Recieved a hat that says "Jesus is My Boss".
Bonded with people.
Bought a dress.
Ran in the rain.
Attempted to fly a kite in the rain.
Got angry because it snowed.
Went to a dance store twice.
Convinced my mother to let me take a tap class.
Complained to my best friend and vice versa.
Freaked out about seeing the choir list- I still wonder if I got in to concert choir.
Layed on a drive way laughing with my friend and giggled.
Created a Jesus filled chalk masterpiece ALL OVER my drive way.
Ate a lot of spinach dip.
Visited a college and fell in love with it.
Went to Silver Dollar City.
Prayed.
Loved.
Cared.
Stressed.
Got lied to.
Organized a lot of things.
Cleaned my house.
Went to a party.
Saw Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde the play.
Talked to a really hot guy.
Tried not to gossip.
Got even more obsessed with Shrek: The Musical.
Slept in hard-core.
Drove for 3 hours straight.
Updated my iPod.
Learned a new dance.
Watched The Secret Life of the American Teenager finale.
Went to the park more than once.
Played a game from 5th grade on a play ground.
Got a cut on my wrist from a bolt.
Danced around my house when I was home alone.
Gave a gift.
Recieved an internship from Stages St. Louis.
Came back to blogging.
Had deep conversation.
Had opinions.
Tried to make people happy.
Listen to sounds I wish I never heard.
Talked about the difference between "Who" and "Whom".
Did things I said I would.
Freaked out because I heard sirens more than once.
Didn't do things I said I would.
Comforted someone.
Loved every minute of the day.
Felt happy for absolutely no reason.
Hung out with a friend I haven't hung out with in a long time.
Exclaimed that I wanted to destroy my liver.
Had a creeper waiter and a resturaunt who wrote weird things on our recipt.
Thought positive.
Thought negative.
Cried.
Smiled.
Lived.
Enjoyed.
Laughed.
Forgot some things I did.

Conclusion: BEST SPRING BREAK EVER. I really feel like I got something out of this week. I tried to live each day to the fullest and realize there is something good to each day regardless of how much a day sucks. I love reflecting on these kinds of things because it makes me see my life from a different view. It's all typed plain in sight. Its easy to see how I have spent my week and from what I've seen I am happy with it. I feel refreshed and ready to go back to school and resume my normal life of stress and anxiety. You know how sometimes you just feel good about life even though you know that some things are going to get to you in the future? That's how I feel right now. I feel so completely passive about things in my life right now and I can just go to sleep with out worrying. How wonderful.

~Stevie~

Written 3/29/09

I'M A CHRISTIAN By Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."I'm whispering "I was lost,"Now I'm found and forgiven.
When I say..."I am a Christian"I don't speak of this with pride.I'm confessing that I stumbleand need CHRIST to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"I'm not trying to be strong.I'm professing that I'm weakand need HIS strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"I'm not bragging of success.I'm admitting I have failedand need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"I'm not claiming to be perfect,My flaws are far too visiblebut, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"I still feel the sting of pain,I have my share of heartachesSo I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"I'm not holier than thou,I'm just a simple sinnerwho received God's good grace, somehow.

Reflection: I wish that most people saw that THIS is what a real Christian is. I wish people would stop judging us and telling us that we think we are better than them. I love this poem just because it shows what a real Christian is and I hope that all the people who think differently will one day reazlize this.

~Stevie~

Written 3/28/09

So as my life continues to change so do I. Obviously, this is a natural occurrence. You know? Someone changing according to their surroundings? I act like this is such a surprise. But honestly, change is a weird thing to me-- as well as time. There are 24 hours in a day and 365 days in a year and 525600 in one year-- with no consideration to day light savings. If you think about it, the time you have on earth is very minimal. So why not make the best of it? The makes change so much less scary. If you realize that this change you are going through really doesn't last as long as it seems to. I don't know if this even makes sense. I guess what I can get out of this rant, is that change and time are a gift. Every day that you wake up I should be praising God for the new day I have woken up to regardless of how much I enjoy the things each day brings. This concept seems so easy when you think about it, but then when you get to the "practice of your preaching" it seems like the hardest thing in the world. That is so unfortunate to me that this is how I feel about it. God has brought me so much and it has taken me until now to realize it. I have been so wrapped up in my fathers death and how my mother doesn't care about me and that she has a boyfriend and stopped talking to my sister that I have missed out on what is important. That fact that God blesses me with time, change, opportunity, and tomorrow is truly something that is beyond this world.In fact, God has given me something that many people I know would be very thankful for: I am 17 years old and a Junior at my high school. I am very interested in theater and would love to live my life in the world of theater. I have been building a portfolio and resume for quite some time now and I have shown it to people. I originally made it to show to Stages St. Louis--a professional theater company in St.Louis. I expected to be turned down just because the internships are paid and they are made to give to college students. So I went into it doing my best and hoping something might happen. But if it didn't I would understand. My teacher wrote me recommendation letters and everything so I thought I might have a chance. So get this: I'm in the car two days ago driving with one of my friends when my phone rings. Joe Novack, the production manager from Stages, called me. He said that I'm going to start my internship on June 15th and it goes until August 30th. I will be working 8am to 4pm every day during the week and all weeks except one that I will be out of town and maybe towards the end depending on when school starts. It is a construction and painting internship and I get paid $100.00 a week. I will be working on sets for all of the shows this season: (in order) Little Shop of Horrors, The Drowsy Chaperon, and Guys and Dolls. I am also working at the Opera Theater of St.Louis ushering for their shows. It only lasts a month but last year I made a good amount of money. Today, I went to visit Illinois Wesleyan. It was an awesome university. It looks like exactly what I'm looking for. It is small and it has an awesome theater school. I just cant believe that in one week so much can happen. I feel like I have gotten a lot accomplished and there is more to come. I feel the motivation to work really hard and improve things about my life I didn't like. I feel like this week, my spring break, I have lived life to the fullest. When you live life to the fullest and work hard and play hard amazing things can happen. I have no doubt that Gad has some amazing things in store for me in the future and I am fully prepared to thank God everyday for ALL he has given me.Now looking at all of this I realize that all of this is nothing that I deserve. It is something that is really a gift. I am a sinner and a human being that is very blessed to have some things that I have. It also makes me think about people having a harder time than I am right now. My best friend has been having some family problems and it's been really hard on her. All I think about is how I can make things better for her when I know the only person that can really make her better is God. I wish that I could just take away everything that is hard on her and give her what I have. I want her to be happy again. I want her to be able to live her life to the fullest without big weights on her shoulders. She takes care of her siblings and gets left alone and really all she needs sometimes is a hug from a parent who loves her. I just want to take her away and rescue her. But that's when I realize that things happen for a reason and she will grow stronger as time goes on. She will be put on trials and she will over come them and I will pray for her and be there for her if she needs someone. I just feel so bad for being so happy while she is so sad sometimes. She says she is so proud of me and all I want to tell her is how much I admire her strength in this situation. I love her dearly and I pray that things start looking up.This blog has turned more into something of a rant, but I guess that's what I needed. I think I'm just fed up with people and circumstances and how everyday is taken for granted. So right now I would like to thank God for all he has given me. I want to start thanking him more often and live each day to the fullest because after all, that day is a gift and you never know when your last day will be.

~Stevie~

Written 3/27/09

25 Things.

1. My favorite color is purple

2. Every day I think about my father and how he is dead. I love and hate that all at the same time. It's been almost 3 years.I wish he could see me now. That thought is a giant "wah wah" moment.

3. Fears: failure, throw up and throwing up, sirens, roller coasters, being forgotten, thunder, santa clauses, commitment

4. I think love is a strange thing and I almost think it doesn't exsist.

5. If I was allowed to, I would get a million tattoos and peircings right now.

6. I believe there is such thing as caring about someone too much.

7. I love to bake anything and everything.

8. Pictures are one of my favorite things in the entire world. Its great to capture a moment and save it forever.

9. I think little kids are the most aggravating things in the entire world unless you can escape
them at anytime or give them back to parents--in that case they're pretty tight.

10. I am really tickleish.

11. Theater is my life. I want to be a technical director on broadway. I know this probably wont happen.

12. As much as I hate people sometimes, they really fascinate me.

13. I get an urge to clean everything in sight every once in a while and it is a miracle.

14. I over think every situation in my life.

15. I put a lot of pressure on myself everyday to be the best person I can be and sometimes it
doesn't even matter.

16. My trampoline is my sanctuary. It is where I can escape to for freedom and relaxation. There’s nothing like working on my back tuck or just lying there when I’m upset.

17. One of my wishes has always been to go back in time and see how things would have been if I would have done things differently.

18. I am often peranoid that people think I am annoying and they wont tell me if I am.

19.The best kind of happiness is the kind that appears for no reason at all. When you feel like the world is yours and you are invincible.

20. If I can make one person smile everyday that would be amazing to me. I would rather other people be happy while I am upset. Many deserve to be happy ALL the time.

21. I hate being home; I love being home alone.

22. I used to write all the time and I miss it. I have writers block.

23. Without music and singing my life would be really quiet, boring, and sad.

24. In the summer I love nothing more than bare feet and covering my driveway in chalk masterpieces.

25.The most important thing to me in life is my faith in Christ

~Stevie~

Written 3/26/09

So i've decided after many days of thinking that I would like to go back to this whole blogging deal. I think way too much to not write it all down somewhere. I am out of that stupid depressing teenager stage and have gone on to bigger and better things. I have accomplished a lot and I feel like it's time to probably just delete those old posts. Anyways, back to business...Here is something I posted on facebook about a week ago. I feel like the blogging world would be happy to see what I've been up to and how much I've grown in my faith and my confidence...even though no one really reads this.

Integrity <><

(Sunday, March 15, 2009 at 1:38am)

So it all began tonight at the cast party. We are all sitting around and out of nowhere the subject of religion came up. It started off okay and in my opinion became just a heated discussion. In other peoples' opinion it became uncomfortable. This makes me question: Why do things have to be that way? Does there really have to be a time and place to talk about something that is a huge part of society and the world? In my opinion, the answer is no. No, there does not have to be a scheduled time to talk about this. No one says "Hey, it's 3:45; it's time to talk about Christ".People are interesting. They all are the same species yet all act so different. But why does this one subject affect people so much? Is it really that hard to talk about? Why isn’t it hard for me to talk about it anymore? Why do we have to be so worried about offending people with OUR beliefs? Answer: We don't. There is no rule in society that says if you are going to offend people with your opinion, keep it to yourself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that someone should go out of their way to offend people. I'm saying if people have an opinion and why should they have to be hesitant to say it?So now I sit here, trying to figure out what's going through my head. There are so many things I don't understand and this whole discussion has gotten to me. You know what bothers me? People who aren't brave enough to talk about religion. People who put down religion without even giving it a chance. People who stare at others when they pray in a public place. People who say they are Christians and won’t stand up for it. People who are Christians one day and not the next. People who talk bad about it in front of you when they know it bothers you. People who think ALL Christians are judgemental people who don't give others a chance. Having such a huge love for Christ and not having people to share that with you. When you have a foundation of Christ, you live your life so differently and I see that now more than ever. I ache to have people in my life to share that with me. To support me in it. To WANT it as much as I do. And after talking to one of my friends about this, I would have to agree with her when she says that usually the people in my life who matter will never experience this with me and the people that are praying for me to continue on my path of righteousness, I will never know.So, I guess the point of this note is to put myself out there. To make sure people know that I AM NOT A FAKE. I am a Christian because Jesus Christ is my savior and my life belongs to Him. The end. Case closed. No questions asked. I will always stand up for Him and will always be there to pray for anyone and witness to anyone who wants to know about Christ and the love He has for us. In the end, I realize that no matter what happens God has it covered. I have been through things in my life that prove Gods love for me and I AM NOT AFRAID of people and blasphemy of any sort. I am courageous. I am intensive. I am confident. I am destined. I am centered. I am unique. I am oriented. I am focused. I am determined. I am spiritual. I am dedicated. I am helpless. I am disciplined. I am bold. I am wishful. I am needy. I am serving. I am called. I am prepared. I am transformed. I am saved. I am responsible. I am inspired. I am open. I am strong. I am influenced. I am anticipatory. I am Jesus-loving. I am…myself.

~Stevie~