I understand why. I know what pressure is like. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you have some control in your life. We were friends before and best friends during. YOU are still my best friend. I understand you don't want the expectations anymore and the restrictions and that's okay. I understand that you can't handle it anymore. I just hope you understand that you will never have to be alone. I hope you understand that I will be there for you when you get down. I will be there if you need a hug or a distraction from reality. I will be there for you when you go away. I will be there when no one else is. You want to know why? Because I wasn't kidding when I said we are best friends before anything else. We know so much about each other. We know each others strengths and weaknesses. We know what is important to one another and what we both want in life. We were too good of friends to waste the friendship we could still have. I will be here as long as you want me to be.

I wish I knew if we are going to be friends for sure or not, but I guess time will tell.

School

Today is my last day of High School.

Peace out WGHS.

:]

As of now this is my life:

- I have to have stuff packed away that I want to keep but not take with me to school.

- I have to have my room cleaned out except the bare minimum.

- There's a lot I have to throw away

- I am living at home after being kicked out for a week

- She took my car. I still don't have it.

- My car didn't pass inspection and it costs 16oo dollars to fix and my mother said that's the last amount of money she's going to put in on my car. Including insurance. She says I get my car back and she's signing it over to me and it's my problem now. I have to pay for everything.

- She used money she was either going to give me for graduation or for a grad party for my car so now I don't get that either.

- I have to call school and see if they have car insurance through the university and health care for that matter.

- I can't get to my college fund because it's under her name.

- She said she'd think about getting me a new comforter or quilt (my old one is so old it's falling apart) and towels and shit because she just spent money on my car.

- Every time I do something with my room she wants me to do I somehow end up doing it wrong so I feel like every time I get a step further I take like 50 back.

My head hurts and everything feels uncontrollable. I can't handle things anymore.

I'm losing it.

D.O.N.E.

Dear Disaster,

I'm done with you.

I'm done with the verbal abuse, just like dad ended the physical.

I'm done with the insults.

I'm done with you not caring.

I'm done listening to you complain.

I'm done being in your life.

I'm done trying to make this work.

I'm done pretending in public that we get along.

I'm done apologizing for your insensitivity to others.

I'm done feeling like a waste of space.

I'm done listening to your opinion.

You can take all you want from me.

You can take my childhood.

You can take my dog.

You can take my trampoline.

You can take every god damn thing I have left of my father.

But as long as I am still alive, you can not take me.

You can not take control of me.

You can not take control of my thoughts.

You can not take control of my feelings.

My emotions, work, career, life, loves, passions. They are mine.

You can keep your jealousy. Your hostility. Your hatred. And everything else that comes with it. I want nothing of it. For the same reasons dad wanted to leave, I do.

I. Don't. Love. You.

I never want you to be a part of my life. Not my college career. Not my relationships. Not my wedding. Not my children. I will erase you from everything. I want no pictures, no videos, no letters.

I. AM. DONE.

When you see this one day I hope that you hurt because that has been my entire life. I hope you realize that you were wrong. That from the beginning, YOU were responsible for our relationship. Now, I am choosing to walk away. The only thing I ever want from you is money. And for long time that's all I ever wanted. So, if that's how you want our relationship, so be it. Because I want nothing more then to never speak to you again. 18 years is too long.

With all due respect,

The suffocating girl.

The Lucky One.

Dear lucky one,

First of all please know that I really do care about your relative. Please know that not wanting to talk about certain topics is nothing against you. I know it is not fair to leave you in the dark about this though. Since it happened freshman year it has been hard for me to talk about such topics. It has been hard for me to deal with all of the emotions. None of this is your fault and I hope that you can see this. I feel selfish for asking you to keep this issue of yours on the down low but I just don't know what else to do. We can talk one on one and hopefully I can get used to everything. This will be good for me. Maybe once I get comfortable with talking, I will be able to start dealing with hating hospitals...and flashbacks when I hear sirens.
I'm really happy you have been so understanding with this whole situation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you for telling me what happened with your relative in exchange for me telling you about mine. I'm happy yours is doing well. Please just know that you are the lucky one. Please know you are very blessed. But please don't feel bad for me because I think things have happened the way they are meant to happen. Please don't look at me different. We can talk again sometime.

Sincerely,
The girl who dreams.

Blank Spaces

So as much as I feel like writing, I'm not going to lie when I say I really don't know what to say. Since the weather has changed, so has my mood. I am all around happier right now than I will ever be in the winter. There is just something about the sun being out that makes my mood make a 180.

[MY LIFE]

- I didn't finish student directing Moon Over Buffalo. I wanted to see my friends instead.
- Asa and I have been dating for 6 months. Crazzzzyyy shiiit right there.
- The Navy scares me more and more each day.
- 26 more days until I get out of the high school.
- I got accepted into my dream school Illinois Wesleyan University and almost peed my pants.
- I went to California over spring break with choir. Concert and Chamber choir got Gold 1st and the Women's choir got a Gold Rating and placed 4th.
- California is way too stressful when you go with a tour company and high school
- Spring break was awesome when I got home. We had a Jersey Shore party and had a pretty good time. :]
- Catherine's birthday was over break and she had a birthday fiesta. It was fun.
- School has been the most boring thing in my entire life and I want out so bad it isn't even funny.
- Choir Concert next week
- Broadway revue is coming up this month and I am so sore from dancing because I was an idiot and didn't stretch.
- I have started being much more positive, but with that came a great deal of being passive. I just don't care about things as much anymore.
- When Asa got back from Florida we hung out a ton and I spent Easter with his family. it was all fine and dandy until a topic of conversation came up that I didn't like and I had to leave the table.

It Hits You Like Scripture

You gotta get gone,

you gotta get going

Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one

It's a carnival callin out to you,

It sounds like a song,

Hits you like scripture

You paint the picture

With colors squeezed from your hand

Weren't you the kid

Who just climbed on the merry-go-round

Hey look, the world ain't slowing down

"The world Ain't Slowing Down" by Ellis Paul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWHqXMjCzDk&feature=related

Last weekend I worked at a show called Here to Stay produced by the local theatre company Washington Ave Players Project. The concert was held at the Sheldon Concert Hall and the company is owned by my technical theater teacher at school, Schaefer. I was the house manager and part of the crew.

The process of this show for me was only 3 days. Dress rehearsal then 2 shows. I went into the show knowing the tech crew I was working with, Schaefer, and 2 cast members. After working there for only those 3 days I met some amazing people, saw some kick ass performances, and made some connections for future jobs.

The song "The World Ain't Slowing Down" by Ellis Paul was one of the songs performed in this concert. I never had much of a connection with the song until that dress rehearsal but since then I have listened to it at least twice everyday or on repeat like I have currently. This song basically talks about how life goes on rather you are along for the ride or you are fighting it. It talks about how reality smacks you in the face and you have to get out there and make something of life with no baggage. I feel like I can relate to this song a lot. I know that I am super focused on my life and what the future holds. The more this year [school year] has progressed the more I have realized that I can't let the baggage of my home life and my past keep me from doing what I want. While working on this concert and listening to this song be performed it made me realize that growing up fast like I did isn't ALWAYS a bad thing. I like to have fun like any other person, but I feel like since I have done things like make professional connections and work instead of play sometimes I will be more stable in the future. As much as I hate how I've had to grow up so fast, I am also thankful for it because I learned a lot of things that some adults still haven't. I feel like I have learned to balance things in my life. I have learned the difference between "need" and "want". I know that "should do"s often need to take over my life. I have also learned that sometimes it's okay to be upset and that is is a healthy thing. I have learned that holding on to people that aren't worth it is a waste of my time.

I think I can truely say that I have learned that the world isn't slowing down for anyone. That you just have to pull yourself up and keep going because people aren't always going to wait for you. I love this song because as much as it is blunt about life it is also said in a way that is comforting to me.

Annie's Hope

Grief Behaviors of children and teens: <<--Link

afraid of the dark
afraid to go to bed
afraid of hospitals, physicians or their offices
repeated illnesses
clinging to parent or guardian
changes in school work
intense anger at self or others
nightmares
tantrums
fighting
hurtful behavior to self
hurtful behavior to others
destruction of property
over or under eating
bed wetting
cruelty to animals
withdrawal from family or friends
obsession with death
experimentation with sex
use of drugs, alcohol or cigarettes
difficulty concentrating
oversleeping
difficulty sleeping



I am analyzing myself. I don't know if there is a connection or not. Wow. My day just took a turn.

Happy Birthday!

Luke 2:9-11
9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

Haunting my mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4-JqIlrTSc

Santa have you seen my soldier,
the one who wears my heart,
we're so far apart.

Santa have you seen my soldier,
braving through the lonely nights

just getting by, living prayer to prayer.

It's so hard to be apart this time of year,

the ones you love should be near.

Material things lose all their value,

cause all I want is him.

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms,

cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

Santa bring him home.

Life's not the same without my soldier,

every time we laughed the comfort that it had.

Oh, he's the one that's been there for me all along,

he taught me to be strong enough when times are tough,

and keep the faith when I can't hold on.

It's so hard to be apart this time of year,

the ones you love should be near.

Material things lose all their value,

cause all I want is him.

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms,

cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

The wind blows so cold, without your hand to hold.

It's haunting my mind, like the day we said goodbye

There's a boy overseas

Who's lonely just like me

Waiting for the day

my hero comes home to me.

Send my love, send my love, send my love, love,

Send my love, send my love, send my love, love,

Send my, send my love love

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

(Send my love, send my love, send my love, love, )

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms, cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

(Love, love, send my love.....)

So, I'm not going to lie. I feel like a year ago I would have really had an issue with this song. I would have thought that it sounded whiny. I would have probably told the people in the song to suck it up and move on because there is nothing you can do about it.

This time of year, there is so much recognition to the troops that are sent over seas that can't make it home. In reality, there really is nothing you can do about it, but now I think I see another side. Even if this song sounds like many women complaining about how they can't get their man back, I feel like they have the right to complain. Regardless of where you stand on the issue of war, the fact is that it exists. The fact is that there are people working really hard for our country and risking their lives for us. I'm not the biggest fan of war, but I do think that even if you don't support it, you should support the troops and their families because it has to be extremely hard for them to not see each other--especially the children.

I know it's going to be hard when you leave,

but I am here to support you one hundred percent.

As much as I am going to hate having to deal with this,

I want you to know that I love you and I am here for you always.

I want you to be happy with the decisions you are making.

I already know I am going to miss you like crazy.

You're one of my very best friends.

<3

Movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3nA9AG1AWk

Yeah...I want to see it.

Iris.

I can't believe one person can make you re-think so many things about what you are and what you think. I'm not saying this is a bad thing at all, it's just crazy to me. The whole going back and forth on love thing is really getting annoying. I wish I could just know what I think about it and the more I'm with him the more my mind goes in the opposite direction than it has in the past. I have actually been pretty happy and it is the weirdest thing to feel like someone cares about me. In fact, it's hard to let someone care about me. I know that might sounds weird but I feel like someone just has to tear my guard down sometimes to get to me. I wish I could just let people care. I think I have spent so much time building up my defense wall that I can't even get past it. I am trying really hard to let him in more and more. I want to let people care. More than anything. As much as I am scared shitless when people care, I feel more safe than I have ever felt since my dad died.

"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know WHO I AM"

love you.

fkjaklfjas COURAGE fkihfak COURAGE

This weekend for Thanksgiving I went to visit Julianne in Tennessee. As much as it did not feel like Thanksgiving, it was really nice to get away from everything that is Webster Groves. We just chilled out and caught up. We watched so many movies it wasn't even funny. She made me watch Twilight and then drug me to see New Moon. Which I will admit really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and I defintely enjoyed going. Robert Pattinson and Taylor Laughter and their sexyness really made the movie. lol :) I was also introduced to Charlie Bartlett and Ellen Degeneres stand up comedy. ELLEN. IS. SO. FUNNY. She is so right about so many things. We walked around Knoxville a bit and walked around Market Square which is super cute--especially with all of the Christmas stuff going around. I also inherited some money with Michael Jackson's face on it and it talked about God and your eternity on the back. haha. Anyways, I am really happy that I got to go this weekend. I feel refreshed and more accepting about having to work my ass off for the rest of the semester. :)

In other news:
WEBSTER WON STATE!!!! 31-14! KICK. ASS. Whoohoo!

_________________________________________________________________

I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
And I don't know what I'm diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you

Life

This is the moment

It's on the line

Which way you're gonna fall

In the middle

Between wrong and right

But you know afterall



It's your life

Whatcha gonna do

The world is watching you

Everyday the choices you make

Say what you are

and who your heart beats for

Its an open door



It's your life

Are you who you

Always said you would be

With a sinking feeling in your chest

Always waiting

On someone else to fix you

Tell me when do you forget



It's your life

Whatcha gonna do

The world is watching you

Everyday the choices you make

Say what you are

and who your heart beats for

Its an open door



You can live the way you believe

This is your opportunity

To let your life be one that lights the way



Francesca Battistelli - It's Your Life

Confusion

Yeah so, you know that whole "love" thing I have posted about in the past. I think it is now confusing me more than ever. I guess I should just accept the fact that it always will and whether I believe in it or not I should just have some fun and think about it minimally.

Oh, by the way, tonight was pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. The DJ sucked, but whatevs. Afterwards was prettty much amazing too. :]

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Just another day

So while I have the time to blog I might as well say something about my life that's worth reading. So since I've last blogged a lot has happened.

- The Wizard of Oz is over which is a really good thing and at the same time it's not so. I feel extremely relieved that it's over even though I kind of miss the good things about it. I miss all the challenges it through at me but I don't miss the stress that it caused. I did inherit a mouse though. His name is Wizard. :] We're pretty tight, I'm not gonna lie.
- Laura and I are both resigning from being Thespian officers due to many reasons and I never thought this would happen but at the same time I think it is a necessary thing. I used to be completely in love with thespians and now it's just another pain in my back and the reason I did it in the first place was to have fun with theatre and we're not doing any theatre so it's a waste of my time. I will not put the rest on here just because I don't really want to and it will just frustrate me.
- The friendship dance is tonight and I'm going with Asa and we are dragging Joanna along. lol. We are trying to stop her from being a bum and sitting alone and we are succeeding lol. I am really excited to go to the dance. I need a night of fun and not thinking and I'm hoping tonight will be the night. I really need a night that doesn't involve a lot of thinking because I have been doing way to much of it lately. And I don't see any sort of a drunk night coming any time soon so really tonight has to be my escape.
- My grades kind of suck balls right now. the end.
- Even though I've been stressed out and not wanting to deal with shit lately, I can't help but smile sometimes. There's just been some really good things going on--I wont go into detail on here though since I think some family reads this. haha sorryyy.

Save Our City

Ludo was really amazing. Just what I needed. Now I just need a shower after touching all those people and sweating like a beast. lol. Only one thing could have made the night better and I'm sorry the original plans couldn't work out to make it that way. Things are the way they are though and I'm dealing.
Over all this night went well! :]

Cause I get a thousand hugs from 10 thousand lightning bugs...

I've decided: I don't have time for drama. I'm having fun this weekend! :]

Thursday: Hang out with Julie, Go to the Mall, Sleep over with Catherine using the "Catherine plan of action"--It was awesome and a wonderful break.

Friday: Clean Room (DONE!) , Laundry (ALMOST DONE!) , Hang out with Julie (TO BE CONTINUED...), Lunch and hanging with Danille, Fright Fest, Partay!

Saturday: Work, (undecided)

Sunday: Work, Homework to the max, (undecided)

Thoughts...

- The Wizard of Oz (WOoZ)=frustrating and fun.
- Monkey costumes are a pain in the ass.
- How can you be friends with people you never see or talk to? You tell me.
- Drama is pointless.
- Painting relaxes me.
- I have a D in two classes.
- I had no idea untill today.
- Anna has a tight foriegn exchange student.
- Germans are cool.
- Siren annoy me more than they used to.
- I have way too much number OCD--evens only pleasssee.
- My age= the devil.
- Boys= ugh.
- Collge shit needs to get DONE.
- I am getting more confident about college.
- I love baked gooodddsss. Way. Too. Much.
- I don't understand physics.
- I wish I did.
- Glee. Enough said.
- I miss summer and really hot weather.
- I want to go to California to be in the sun now.
- I need to feel comfortable in a swim suit first.
- Can't I just visit Cristina now?
- I just realized I was sitting on my car keys?
- It made me giggle.
- This has been a pretty good weekend.
- I hope this week goes well.
- I miss my friends.
- The end.