Yes, I am saying this.

I might be quitting high school theatre...

...because I have been hating everything about it

there's something wrong with me.

Good Mornin', Good Mornin'

So today is one of those days when you wake up and you just want to get out of the house and do something. I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go or who I'll even be with. I just want to head for the door and come back when the sun sets. This summer, for me, has been a lot of work and I want to do things that make the work not seem so bad. Don't get me wrong I really love stages now and I am happy that I did it. I just wish it allowed more summer time. I think a park sounds like a really good idea. I got a new dress yesterday and I am super excited to wear it! I am in a really good mood and I feel like frolicing around and just having fun. Hopefully the sun will come out too! That would be fantastic!

=/

1. I hate my age
2. I hate how I am always the one calling people to hang out
3. I hate feeling left out
4. I hate how I always invite people everywhere but never get invited in return
5. I hate how this bothers me so much

journey to the past...

She tells herself not to worry.

Her mom won't be home to yell at her after school.

But then she asks herself:

"Is it right to have to tell myself this?"

"Is it right to be afraid of my own mother's voice?"

"Who is she to yell at me constantly?...

(or as she calls it...lecturing)"

She worries constantly, despite her friends constant love.

She can't help it.

Her own mother is tearing her apart.

That was written about two years ago by a friend I was really close to. I keep all my old notes and sometimes go through them. This one has been one that I always turn to because it is so unbelievably true. At one point in my high school career I remember being scared to go home--there were even a few times when I cried because of it. It's so strange to me that how my mother is just feels sort of normal now even though she affects me emotionally and I think mentally on a daily basis. There are people who are astounded by my mother stories and I just treat them as a part of life. I spent so long just thinking everything was my fault and now I know that it's not. I feel like I have really developed in my ways of handling her. I was forced to grow up in a hard situation and looking back I'm happy I was. Without my mother and all of her bullshit I would be so much different than I am and I think I take more out of life now that I realize she can't hold me back anymore and I've grown up enough to be able to handle being on my own a bit. I am starting to like how I look at the world more and I am beginning to like myself more. I'm not going to lie though and say that the past does not affect me because it does tremendously. My past is something I think about EVERY DAY. Right when I wake up it's there to greet me with a big slap in the face. I take it as it comes and deal with it and make sure mistakes are not repeated. I think it's weird how this little piece of writing can conjure up so many thoughts. I think I'm going to go back to my notebook for a while and work on unfinished writings...it seems fitting for this point in time.

Much Better.

This morning I am in a much better mood. I don't really know what I'm doing today, but what ever it is it wont be sitting at home doing nothing. lol. I think last night I just needed to rant and I definitely felt like the whole world was against me. obnoxious and immature. yea, pretty much. I wish it was sunny out today because I really want to go to Art Hill and chill out. That place always makes me feel so fantastically happy! Too bad it's all gross outside. wahwah. I guess I'm just gonna take this day as it comes and hopefully I'll see people!

Yeah, they mother fucked me over...

So this last week I was in Wiscansin for a family trip. It was my mom's side of the family minus my mother because she wasn't invited. It was a complete and utter disaster with the few exceptions. There was so much family drama it was ridiculous. That's what I tried to get away from. Now I just feel even worse. There were some good parts though. We played Pictionary and talked late at night. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time. I also bonded with family I wasn't that close to and got to go to pretty beaches and see cool things. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. I just kind of wish there was less arguing and more relaxing. The more I saw people argue and treat each other like crap on that trip, the more I started to think about love and marriage again. For the longest time I have been struggling with the belief of love. I just don't know if true love really exists or not. And if getting married with someone and loving them means you'll fight with them all the time and be miserable then that's nothing I want to be a part of. Obviously not all couples are like this, but most of them you see are. There's just so much more to this topic running through my mind than you can imagine. Really, a good three posts can be spent on this. Also, one of the things that really bothers me about that family is how they have certain standards for men and women. This is where my feminist qualities take over my brain. In that family men are to work hard, bring home the money, do the labor and do all the cliche manly things. The women are expected to take care of kids, cook, clean, and THEN do shit that the men do if it's necessary. It is completely fucked up. My cousin got so much bullshit for just wanting to watch a movie with me and my other cousin because he was a boy and "he should be at the beach with the bonfire". WHATEVER. That is stupid. Let him watch the fucking movie! I also hate how the family has a standard for how people look. If there's something weird about you it will be made fun of and probably called gay-a negative connotation in that family! When I was down there I was eating potatoes two hours before dinner because I hadn't eaten all day and I was starving. My cousin Joe came up to me and said "Good thing you're eating two hours before dinner because now you have time to throw it up." i responded with "I don't do that thank you. I have a phobia of throw up anyways so that's not even possible" and he said "laxatives?". I told him to fuck off in front of his wife and I have been thinking about that ever since. My uncle john also asked me to take the family photo. As in, I wouldn't be in it because I would be taking it. Neither one has apologized about this to me. I miss the family who used to care about one another and that used to have fun together. Now, I just hate it.
When I got home, I saw that my mother brought home the trailer from the land. Now I can't go down there. She told me I could one last time before she brought it home. I have never gotten to have closure with that place. I haven't really been down there since he died and I feel like I just need to go down there and see everything and do everything for one last time. I can't believe she almost let me and now I can't ever again. I sobbed when I got home from Wiscansin. What a nice welcome home...oh yeah, and she's not home again tonight and I'm fucking sober! Goddamn. She is always at Mike's house even thought she said they aren't dating. BULL SHIT MY FRIEND. I don't believe it for a second. She keeps getting to me more and more and I'm beginning to think I am going to have to pay for college myself. We don't speak really anymore and she doesn't buy me anything even though she takes my social security check and wont tell me what she does with it. It's only 225 dollars but still. I just can't stand this anymore. I know I have said that, but I'm beginning to get more emotionally fucked up than I already was and that family vacation did not help. I was so excited to get home and see all my friends that I thought I was going to explode. Too bad I got home and still haven't really seen any. My friends are what get me through life and I just need them. I just need a nice day with my best friend or some time with my other ones. I'm going crazy. I don't think many people understand that though. ALL I have is my friends. THEY really are my family because I go home to no one or someone that doesn't speak to me. I might as well go back to fuckin' Wiscansin--at least there were some people there that had the time or wanted to hang out with me. I am just in a bad, dramatic, obnoxious mood.

I think I'm just going to go to bed...sorry to those of you who read this rant.

~Stevie~

Wah Wah (In a Michael Jackson voice)

So the opera theater has ended and now I am stuck at stupid stages...=\ I am going to miss all my friends at the opera theater it's ridiculous. I always think it's so crazy that you can bond with people so much in one month at work. I love it though. We are having a going away party for Zez tomorrow (hanging out and drinking wine =]) with Danielle, Chris, Liz, Tom, Emily, and Alex because he is going to Chi town for a while and then Bloomington and then Colorado and then back to Bloomington for school! Danielle and I want to visit him either in Chi or Bloomington while he's there. We are also going to the 80s dance at Wesleyan this year! =] I am going to miss him.
Yesterday my mother informed me that she had to take a Papsmere last week and it didn't come back with good results. Today she went in to get a Biopsy done and the results will come next week sometime. I was on the phone with my sister about this yesterday and I really don't know what's wrong with me because I have never cared less about someone in my entire life and I wish I did. If the results come back positive for Cancer, I don't know what I'm going to do or how I am going to react. This is something I am really struggling with right now and I think about it constantly. [It's just this and that freakin' boy :)] It's weird for me to think about what's going to happen in the future because at this point anything could happen. I could end up not having any parents at anytime and the only time I think about that is when something happens I guess. I feel selfish thinking "What would happen to ME if she dies?". Obviously, she would be upset about it, and really my concern should be her and her happiness right? When my dad was sick all I did was wish I could take his illness from him so he would not suffer. With this I just don't have any emmotional connection with her so I don't care. I feel like I should and I wish I could make myself and this really makes me upset and frustrated. It honestly feels like someone I don't really know told me their mother has cancer and all I can say is "I'm sorry". I just don't know what to do about this. I guess in reality there is nothing I can do except wish life wasn't this complicated--and that's a waste of my time. I just read this and I sound like a bitch...I really don't mean to though. ugh.

On the other hand, I had a really fantastic time with him today. :) There's nothing like intense flirting in blackburn park! haha