Here it comes.

1. Read this: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/09/17/false-rape-accusations-and-rape-culture/

2. Read this: (It is an article commenting on the first link ^) http://mensnewsdaily.com/2009/09/17/yawning-at-hofstra/

3. This is another article by Paul Elam (The author of the article in number 2)
http://mensnewsdaily.com/2009/09/04/to-man-up-or-man-down/

--Blog comming soon.

***

They piss me the fuck off and I don't understand how they can deal with all the drama they do. They all feed off of it. It's ridiculous and somehow I get stuck in it. What the fuck? Goddamn this is not worth my time. I just want MY friends to feel better and fuck everyone else.

Beautiful People?

All I can say is: This has been the most bipolar week and weekend. So many emotions and binding moments. To think you can become even better friends with people when everyone is upset all at the same time for different things. It's cool to know I have people in my life that will be there for me even though they are going through their own shit and vice versa. Even though I feel like shit and hate everything going on it really makes me see some of the beauty in people.

I'll update with more later.

Dance

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

WoOZ (Yes, Another abbreviation for a show!)

Today during rehearsal (The Wizard of Oz) we got through a good section of munchkin land. It was really nice to just be on stage expressing myself. It felt good to laugh and dance and just be crazy. I love getting into character and just getting out there. It's a feeling like no other. As much as I love technical theatre, it really is a nice break to be on the other side. I have a few lines in munchkin land too so it's been fun. My dance partner is my friend Joanna and we have been having a blast. I never thought I would go back to being friends with her again after last year, but I guess we just got past it. It's better to just forgive and move on--no matter how big it is. On Thursday we will continue with Munchkin land and finish up the blocking and dance. I just keep getting really excited for the second act. I have dreamed of tumbling on that stage since I got to this school and I will finally be able to! It will be a good experience being a flying monkey!

components of facebook chat--my college essay needs to come out of this...

since my mother and i have never gotten along my dad and i were the ones that bonded
my dad and i were really close
he contracted diabetes when he was 12 and was not suppost to live past 18
he lived till he was 49
in 2006
we were at a dog thing in forest park and something started happening to him
he started to feel numb and it would travel throughout his body
we went to the hospital and they didn't know what it was so they sent him home--this was july 8th.
after my 8th grade year he was put on dialysis so he was already not doing too well
those episodes started happening more and more and we have land down in the country and i remember one happening down there. it was the only time i had ever seen him cry--just me and him
my hero was crashing.
so that was the last time we went to our land.
the last week in august we made another trip to the hospital
by this time they had gotten so bad that he could no longer talk he could only mumble to get what he wanted i sat in emergency with him until a doctor would take him in
that night they took him in to stay over night
they did some tests and still weren't sure what was going on. they thought that they could have been strokes but couldn't really tell us.
the next day we brought him home and he was really loopy because of all the drugs they had him on
he was really happy though
but i knew something still wasn't right
everyone just told me i was freaking out though.
the next day my 10 year old cousin was over and we were hanging out
my dad was on the couch and i heard coughing so i went in and saw that he had choked on his drink--his mouth was numb. another episode.
i called my mom and told her and she told me to chill out and we got off the phone.
my dad had made his way to the front porch and i had to help him in. i sat him in a rocker and he tried to stand up numerous times and he ended up breaking the chair
i called my older cousin who was my 10 year old cousins mom and told her what was going on and she told me to call 911
with her on the phone and my cousin next to me i called.
by the time they showed up he had gone into a diabetic coma (he couldn't take his insulin because he was to drugged up and having an episode) and i had to answer to the peremedics on my own
it hurt to see them screaming his name and him not being able to even respond
the neighbor came over in the middle of it
by the time they got to the hospital he had had a big seizure and heart attack
they put him in ICU and we waited
Today
12:00amStevie
he didn't respond to us.
he squeezed my hand once.
he talked once when he said "fuck you" to the nurse and 2 am when he pulled out his feeding tube
when he actually woke up it was my highschool oorientation day and i wasn't allowed to go see him and talk to him because of it. mother just wouldn't let me go.
the last 10 minutes of it my sister came up to the school and they called me out. thats when i knew i lost him.
i never got to say goodbye
he told my brother he was dying 2 weeks before it happened and not me
he tried to talk to me about what would happen if he died more than once but i wouldn't let him because i was scared of what he would say
now i wish i did
Sending:
i dont know if he's proud of me
i dont know what he thinks
i just know that the person who meant the most to me "my hero"--i had to watch suffer
he doesn't know who i am anymore
he has missed one of the biggest steps in my life
i was there by MYSELF.
taking care of MYSELF.
i had to learn EVERYTHING all over again because of my mother.
i learned to take care of myself.
the stages thing my mother likes to take credit for but that was ME. I have to work for things on my own.
except money that was left for me.
i just need to stop wishing that he would be here
sometimes all i want is just a hug from him
and for him to tell me it's okay
or that he IS proud of me
but none of that i will never hear.
or know for sure.

I learned to become my own hero. I have become my father. I have grown in so many ways.

...

So I hate it when I sit down with all these thoughts in my head and I can't sort through them enough to write a decent post. There is just so much going on. There are issues with school, friends, college...etc.
I guess when things are more sorted thorough I will be able to write...until then I just felt the need to say that I can not keep up with my own thoughts.

just one second...

This weekend I feel like I got a lot accomplished. I have cleaned my room, cleaned out my car, run errands, finished some of my "to do" list, done homework (except physics because I'm getting help tomorrow), worked on updating and reorganizing my resume (most. stressful. thing. ever.)and pretty much finished it, and even did chores. I hung out with multiple people and had some alone time. I think every weekend should have 3 days. I feel like the reason I don't get a lot done is because I only have 2 days to relax after the crazy week and then get to work on things. I'm happy I got some things done and I feel accomplished for once. lol
I found a way to make some money this weekend too. I will be working at the Thomas the Tank Engine extravaganza again this year for a few weekends in October. I'm only making 10 dollars an hour but I should be able to make a pretty good amount so that will be nice. My job searching will be a least a little bit less stressful.

Overall, I think I had a decent weekend.

This is what happens when I don't blog in a long time...

So even though there has been about a million things for me to blog about I just failed with having motivation. Now I guess I have a lot to talk about...

1: I am in the Wizard of Oz this fall at school. I decided that it's my last year and I might as well. I really love being in shows and this is kind of my last chance. I am a flying monkey, munchkin, and they want me to be and ozian too. We'll see how that goes though because the costume change would be 5 minutes and I have full face make-up. So in reality, I don't see it happening. I think I'll just have to sing from off stage. That's all good though because my dream is finally coming true. I get to tumble on that stage before I leave! Last week was all music and it is surprisingly really hard for most of us. The part with the poppies is so weird and ridiculous so this week has been a bit frustrating especially with the cough I've had. My voice has been completely useless 2 days this week.

2: I miss stages extremely bad. I haven't been able to go back since school started because it's been so hectic. I hate it. I loved it there so much and now the people that I worked with there are gone. I learned so much and took so much from it. Especially from Caitlin. She has been through things in her life and I love talking to people like that. The thing that sucks about theatre is that it's a traveling job so it becomes hard to keep in touch with everyone. After being in school I feel like I'm not growing in my academics and as a person. Something just feels like it's missing. Guys & Dolls with Stages opens next Wednesday and I will be seeing it and I can't tell you how excited I am! I hope one day I will have another experience equally as good as this one or better because I don't think I could live without it.

3: Thespians. I have been so bipolar when thinking about this. It's been obnoxious and annoying and for some reason I keep sticking to it. For a long time I was in love with it. I guess I feel like I have just grown up a lot and I am just bitter when it comes to dealing with people in high school and high school events. They just frustrate me. I can look at Thespians from a positive perspective though so hopefully it will brighten up.

4: I've been hanging out with one of my cousins a lot lately. I don't know if it's because I don't have any friends or if we just ended up hanging out. Regardless of the reason I really like it. I wish we would have hung out more throughout my high school career because now I am going to leave and she will still be here at meremac. We have a lot of fun together and she likes to laugh and bitch about the world, people, and family just as much as I do. It's nice to hang out with people I haven't hung out with in a long time. As much as I miss my other friends I am happy I am bonding with a part of my family. lol. Weird right?

5: In English we have started to work on college essays a bit. The point of a college essay is to show off myself and the fact that I have some maturity. I was told to pick a topic/story/experience and then find out the specific reason why it helped make me who I am today. Of course, I chose my dad dying as my topic because there is so much that happened that morphed me into what I am now. The problem is that I need to be specific and there has to be a point. I just don't know what my point is. I could write about my dad and how that one moment in my life changed me forever for pages and pages. Unfortunately, a typical college essay should
be about a page to a page and a half. So really, that gives me nothing and for once in my life I am going to have a problem with cutting down my work rather than adding some pretty bullshit to lengthen it. I think I just need to talk it out with someone. Mr. Conway said that he would conference with me sometime next week after school, but I think that might be weird. I don't know I'll see what happens. I just know that I have been thinking about this constantly and It's driving me nuts. lol. It's like massive writers block.

6: That BOY. The only thing I have to say: DOUCHE BAG. The end. I'm done.

7: After Stages and family vacation I have realized I am a very feminist person. I always thought I wasn't really, but now I can see so much of it in me and I just get very heated and angry very fast. I am not a feminist to the point where I wouldn't take my husbands last name yet though...
At Stages all the boys there were obnoxious about women. They never outright said anything about them but you could see it in other ways. One of them always talked about how he went to visit his girl friend and how they fucked. I never heard anything about this girl besides the fact that the did it. She's not an object. Also, at Stages, Caitlin was a carpenter and a GIRL. She was the only one there with an actual theatre degree and she was constantly shoved aside. They treated her differently and I am the one who got to see it happen. She would always work in a different part of the shop and not with the guys and she never went to the theater with the guys. They never said they didn't want her in there but it was almost as if "there wasn't any room" because she has a vagina and boobs. There were two days when I was furious about that. It still pissed me off though.
Family vacation: I've talked about my family. Let's lay it out shall we? Here are the standards in my family:
MEN: Work on cars, fix things, play with fire, get messy, all that shit. Do everything considered "manly".
WOMEN: Cook, clean, take care of kids, all the things "women should do". but here's the catch, if men need help or can't do something, women in my family still have to take on the "manly roles" as well. That's it. No questions asked. To be honest, I can't stand it.

no.

you are a: douche bag. liar. ass wipe. to think i used to think you cared. to THINK we were GOOD friends. wow. now i can see why things happen for you the way they do...because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself...

i'm over it. now it's up to you to fix things if you want them to be.

Liisstttt

- college essay
- physics
- spanish
- the wizard of oz
- clean room
- clean out car
- get car inspected
- relax
- breathe
- de-stress
- chocolate
- 100 years of solitude
- the house of the spirits
- six flags
- monkey
- munchkin
- internship
- A+
- scenic artistry
- college
- high school
- drama
- escaping
- running away
- staying forever
- feminism