D.O.N.E.

Dear Disaster,

I'm done with you.

I'm done with the verbal abuse, just like dad ended the physical.

I'm done with the insults.

I'm done with you not caring.

I'm done listening to you complain.

I'm done being in your life.

I'm done trying to make this work.

I'm done pretending in public that we get along.

I'm done apologizing for your insensitivity to others.

I'm done feeling like a waste of space.

I'm done listening to your opinion.

You can take all you want from me.

You can take my childhood.

You can take my dog.

You can take my trampoline.

You can take every god damn thing I have left of my father.

But as long as I am still alive, you can not take me.

You can not take control of me.

You can not take control of my thoughts.

You can not take control of my feelings.

My emotions, work, career, life, loves, passions. They are mine.

You can keep your jealousy. Your hostility. Your hatred. And everything else that comes with it. I want nothing of it. For the same reasons dad wanted to leave, I do.

I. Don't. Love. You.

I never want you to be a part of my life. Not my college career. Not my relationships. Not my wedding. Not my children. I will erase you from everything. I want no pictures, no videos, no letters.

I. AM. DONE.

When you see this one day I hope that you hurt because that has been my entire life. I hope you realize that you were wrong. That from the beginning, YOU were responsible for our relationship. Now, I am choosing to walk away. The only thing I ever want from you is money. And for long time that's all I ever wanted. So, if that's how you want our relationship, so be it. Because I want nothing more then to never speak to you again. 18 years is too long.

With all due respect,

The suffocating girl.

The Lucky One.

Dear lucky one,

First of all please know that I really do care about your relative. Please know that not wanting to talk about certain topics is nothing against you. I know it is not fair to leave you in the dark about this though. Since it happened freshman year it has been hard for me to talk about such topics. It has been hard for me to deal with all of the emotions. None of this is your fault and I hope that you can see this. I feel selfish for asking you to keep this issue of yours on the down low but I just don't know what else to do. We can talk one on one and hopefully I can get used to everything. This will be good for me. Maybe once I get comfortable with talking, I will be able to start dealing with hating hospitals...and flashbacks when I hear sirens.
I'm really happy you have been so understanding with this whole situation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you for telling me what happened with your relative in exchange for me telling you about mine. I'm happy yours is doing well. Please just know that you are the lucky one. Please know you are very blessed. But please don't feel bad for me because I think things have happened the way they are meant to happen. Please don't look at me different. We can talk again sometime.

Sincerely,
The girl who dreams.

Blank Spaces

So as much as I feel like writing, I'm not going to lie when I say I really don't know what to say. Since the weather has changed, so has my mood. I am all around happier right now than I will ever be in the winter. There is just something about the sun being out that makes my mood make a 180.

[MY LIFE]

- I didn't finish student directing Moon Over Buffalo. I wanted to see my friends instead.
- Asa and I have been dating for 6 months. Crazzzzyyy shiiit right there.
- The Navy scares me more and more each day.
- 26 more days until I get out of the high school.
- I got accepted into my dream school Illinois Wesleyan University and almost peed my pants.
- I went to California over spring break with choir. Concert and Chamber choir got Gold 1st and the Women's choir got a Gold Rating and placed 4th.
- California is way too stressful when you go with a tour company and high school
- Spring break was awesome when I got home. We had a Jersey Shore party and had a pretty good time. :]
- Catherine's birthday was over break and she had a birthday fiesta. It was fun.
- School has been the most boring thing in my entire life and I want out so bad it isn't even funny.
- Choir Concert next week
- Broadway revue is coming up this month and I am so sore from dancing because I was an idiot and didn't stretch.
- I have started being much more positive, but with that came a great deal of being passive. I just don't care about things as much anymore.
- When Asa got back from Florida we hung out a ton and I spent Easter with his family. it was all fine and dandy until a topic of conversation came up that I didn't like and I had to leave the table.

It Hits You Like Scripture

You gotta get gone,

you gotta get going

Hey, the world ain't slowing down for no one

It's a carnival callin out to you,

It sounds like a song,

Hits you like scripture

You paint the picture

With colors squeezed from your hand

Weren't you the kid

Who just climbed on the merry-go-round

Hey look, the world ain't slowing down

"The world Ain't Slowing Down" by Ellis Paul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWHqXMjCzDk&feature=related

Last weekend I worked at a show called Here to Stay produced by the local theatre company Washington Ave Players Project. The concert was held at the Sheldon Concert Hall and the company is owned by my technical theater teacher at school, Schaefer. I was the house manager and part of the crew.

The process of this show for me was only 3 days. Dress rehearsal then 2 shows. I went into the show knowing the tech crew I was working with, Schaefer, and 2 cast members. After working there for only those 3 days I met some amazing people, saw some kick ass performances, and made some connections for future jobs.

The song "The World Ain't Slowing Down" by Ellis Paul was one of the songs performed in this concert. I never had much of a connection with the song until that dress rehearsal but since then I have listened to it at least twice everyday or on repeat like I have currently. This song basically talks about how life goes on rather you are along for the ride or you are fighting it. It talks about how reality smacks you in the face and you have to get out there and make something of life with no baggage. I feel like I can relate to this song a lot. I know that I am super focused on my life and what the future holds. The more this year [school year] has progressed the more I have realized that I can't let the baggage of my home life and my past keep me from doing what I want. While working on this concert and listening to this song be performed it made me realize that growing up fast like I did isn't ALWAYS a bad thing. I like to have fun like any other person, but I feel like since I have done things like make professional connections and work instead of play sometimes I will be more stable in the future. As much as I hate how I've had to grow up so fast, I am also thankful for it because I learned a lot of things that some adults still haven't. I feel like I have learned to balance things in my life. I have learned the difference between "need" and "want". I know that "should do"s often need to take over my life. I have also learned that sometimes it's okay to be upset and that is is a healthy thing. I have learned that holding on to people that aren't worth it is a waste of my time.

I think I can truely say that I have learned that the world isn't slowing down for anyone. That you just have to pull yourself up and keep going because people aren't always going to wait for you. I love this song because as much as it is blunt about life it is also said in a way that is comforting to me.

Annie's Hope

Grief Behaviors of children and teens: <<--Link

afraid of the dark
afraid to go to bed
afraid of hospitals, physicians or their offices
repeated illnesses
clinging to parent or guardian
changes in school work
intense anger at self or others
nightmares
tantrums
fighting
hurtful behavior to self
hurtful behavior to others
destruction of property
over or under eating
bed wetting
cruelty to animals
withdrawal from family or friends
obsession with death
experimentation with sex
use of drugs, alcohol or cigarettes
difficulty concentrating
oversleeping
difficulty sleeping



I am analyzing myself. I don't know if there is a connection or not. Wow. My day just took a turn.

Happy Birthday!

Luke 2:9-11
9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

Haunting my mind...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4-JqIlrTSc

Santa have you seen my soldier,
the one who wears my heart,
we're so far apart.

Santa have you seen my soldier,
braving through the lonely nights

just getting by, living prayer to prayer.

It's so hard to be apart this time of year,

the ones you love should be near.

Material things lose all their value,

cause all I want is him.

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms,

cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

Santa bring him home.

Life's not the same without my soldier,

every time we laughed the comfort that it had.

Oh, he's the one that's been there for me all along,

he taught me to be strong enough when times are tough,

and keep the faith when I can't hold on.

It's so hard to be apart this time of year,

the ones you love should be near.

Material things lose all their value,

cause all I want is him.

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms,

cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

The wind blows so cold, without your hand to hold.

It's haunting my mind, like the day we said goodbye

There's a boy overseas

Who's lonely just like me

Waiting for the day

my hero comes home to me.

Send my love, send my love, send my love, love,

Send my love, send my love, send my love, love,

Send my, send my love love

Santa have you seen my soldier,

let him know that I miss him and I love him so, love him so.

(Send my love, send my love, send my love, love, )

Santa bring my soldier home,

I need him here in my arms, cause love's worth fighting for.

Santa bring him home.

(Love, love, send my love.....)

So, I'm not going to lie. I feel like a year ago I would have really had an issue with this song. I would have thought that it sounded whiny. I would have probably told the people in the song to suck it up and move on because there is nothing you can do about it.

This time of year, there is so much recognition to the troops that are sent over seas that can't make it home. In reality, there really is nothing you can do about it, but now I think I see another side. Even if this song sounds like many women complaining about how they can't get their man back, I feel like they have the right to complain. Regardless of where you stand on the issue of war, the fact is that it exists. The fact is that there are people working really hard for our country and risking their lives for us. I'm not the biggest fan of war, but I do think that even if you don't support it, you should support the troops and their families because it has to be extremely hard for them to not see each other--especially the children.

I know it's going to be hard when you leave,

but I am here to support you one hundred percent.

As much as I am going to hate having to deal with this,

I want you to know that I love you and I am here for you always.

I want you to be happy with the decisions you are making.

I already know I am going to miss you like crazy.

You're one of my very best friends.

<3