I understand why. I know what pressure is like. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like you have some control in your life. We were friends before and best friends during. YOU are still my best friend. I understand you don't want the expectations anymore and the restrictions and that's okay. I understand that you can't handle it anymore. I just hope you understand that you will never have to be alone. I hope you understand that I will be there for you when you get down. I will be there if you need a hug or a distraction from reality. I will be there for you when you go away. I will be there when no one else is. You want to know why? Because I wasn't kidding when I said we are best friends before anything else. We know so much about each other. We know each others strengths and weaknesses. We know what is important to one another and what we both want in life. We were too good of friends to waste the friendship we could still have. I will be here as long as you want me to be.

I wish I knew if we are going to be friends for sure or not, but I guess time will tell.

School

Today is my last day of High School.

Peace out WGHS.

:]

As of now this is my life:

- I have to have stuff packed away that I want to keep but not take with me to school.

- I have to have my room cleaned out except the bare minimum.

- There's a lot I have to throw away

- I am living at home after being kicked out for a week

- She took my car. I still don't have it.

- My car didn't pass inspection and it costs 16oo dollars to fix and my mother said that's the last amount of money she's going to put in on my car. Including insurance. She says I get my car back and she's signing it over to me and it's my problem now. I have to pay for everything.

- She used money she was either going to give me for graduation or for a grad party for my car so now I don't get that either.

- I have to call school and see if they have car insurance through the university and health care for that matter.

- I can't get to my college fund because it's under her name.

- She said she'd think about getting me a new comforter or quilt (my old one is so old it's falling apart) and towels and shit because she just spent money on my car.

- Every time I do something with my room she wants me to do I somehow end up doing it wrong so I feel like every time I get a step further I take like 50 back.

My head hurts and everything feels uncontrollable. I can't handle things anymore.

I'm losing it.

D.O.N.E.

Dear Disaster,

I'm done with you.

I'm done with the verbal abuse, just like dad ended the physical.

I'm done with the insults.

I'm done with you not caring.

I'm done listening to you complain.

I'm done being in your life.

I'm done trying to make this work.

I'm done pretending in public that we get along.

I'm done apologizing for your insensitivity to others.

I'm done feeling like a waste of space.

I'm done listening to your opinion.

You can take all you want from me.

You can take my childhood.

You can take my dog.

You can take my trampoline.

You can take every god damn thing I have left of my father.

But as long as I am still alive, you can not take me.

You can not take control of me.

You can not take control of my thoughts.

You can not take control of my feelings.

My emotions, work, career, life, loves, passions. They are mine.

You can keep your jealousy. Your hostility. Your hatred. And everything else that comes with it. I want nothing of it. For the same reasons dad wanted to leave, I do.

I. Don't. Love. You.

I never want you to be a part of my life. Not my college career. Not my relationships. Not my wedding. Not my children. I will erase you from everything. I want no pictures, no videos, no letters.

I. AM. DONE.

When you see this one day I hope that you hurt because that has been my entire life. I hope you realize that you were wrong. That from the beginning, YOU were responsible for our relationship. Now, I am choosing to walk away. The only thing I ever want from you is money. And for long time that's all I ever wanted. So, if that's how you want our relationship, so be it. Because I want nothing more then to never speak to you again. 18 years is too long.

With all due respect,

The suffocating girl.

The Lucky One.

Dear lucky one,

First of all please know that I really do care about your relative. Please know that not wanting to talk about certain topics is nothing against you. I know it is not fair to leave you in the dark about this though. Since it happened freshman year it has been hard for me to talk about such topics. It has been hard for me to deal with all of the emotions. None of this is your fault and I hope that you can see this. I feel selfish for asking you to keep this issue of yours on the down low but I just don't know what else to do. We can talk one on one and hopefully I can get used to everything. This will be good for me. Maybe once I get comfortable with talking, I will be able to start dealing with hating hospitals...and flashbacks when I hear sirens.
I'm really happy you have been so understanding with this whole situation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you for telling me what happened with your relative in exchange for me telling you about mine. I'm happy yours is doing well. Please just know that you are the lucky one. Please know you are very blessed. But please don't feel bad for me because I think things have happened the way they are meant to happen. Please don't look at me different. We can talk again sometime.

Sincerely,
The girl who dreams.

Blank Spaces

So as much as I feel like writing, I'm not going to lie when I say I really don't know what to say. Since the weather has changed, so has my mood. I am all around happier right now than I will ever be in the winter. There is just something about the sun being out that makes my mood make a 180.

[MY LIFE]

- I didn't finish student directing Moon Over Buffalo. I wanted to see my friends instead.
- Asa and I have been dating for 6 months. Crazzzzyyy shiiit right there.
- The Navy scares me more and more each day.
- 26 more days until I get out of the high school.
- I got accepted into my dream school Illinois Wesleyan University and almost peed my pants.
- I went to California over spring break with choir. Concert and Chamber choir got Gold 1st and the Women's choir got a Gold Rating and placed 4th.
- California is way too stressful when you go with a tour company and high school
- Spring break was awesome when I got home. We had a Jersey Shore party and had a pretty good time. :]
- Catherine's birthday was over break and she had a birthday fiesta. It was fun.
- School has been the most boring thing in my entire life and I want out so bad it isn't even funny.
- Choir Concert next week
- Broadway revue is coming up this month and I am so sore from dancing because I was an idiot and didn't stretch.
- I have started being much more positive, but with that came a great deal of being passive. I just don't care about things as much anymore.
- When Asa got back from Florida we hung out a ton and I spent Easter with his family. it was all fine and dandy until a topic of conversation came up that I didn't like and I had to leave the table.