D.O.N.E.

Dear Disaster,

I'm done with you.

I'm done with the verbal abuse, just like dad ended the physical.

I'm done with the insults.

I'm done with you not caring.

I'm done listening to you complain.

I'm done being in your life.

I'm done trying to make this work.

I'm done pretending in public that we get along.

I'm done apologizing for your insensitivity to others.

I'm done feeling like a waste of space.

I'm done listening to your opinion.

You can take all you want from me.

You can take my childhood.

You can take my dog.

You can take my trampoline.

You can take every god damn thing I have left of my father.

But as long as I am still alive, you can not take me.

You can not take control of me.

You can not take control of my thoughts.

You can not take control of my feelings.

My emotions, work, career, life, loves, passions. They are mine.

You can keep your jealousy. Your hostility. Your hatred. And everything else that comes with it. I want nothing of it. For the same reasons dad wanted to leave, I do.

I. Don't. Love. You.

I never want you to be a part of my life. Not my college career. Not my relationships. Not my wedding. Not my children. I will erase you from everything. I want no pictures, no videos, no letters.

I. AM. DONE.

When you see this one day I hope that you hurt because that has been my entire life. I hope you realize that you were wrong. That from the beginning, YOU were responsible for our relationship. Now, I am choosing to walk away. The only thing I ever want from you is money. And for long time that's all I ever wanted. So, if that's how you want our relationship, so be it. Because I want nothing more then to never speak to you again. 18 years is too long.

With all due respect,

The suffocating girl.

The Lucky One.

Dear lucky one,

First of all please know that I really do care about your relative. Please know that not wanting to talk about certain topics is nothing against you. I know it is not fair to leave you in the dark about this though. Since it happened freshman year it has been hard for me to talk about such topics. It has been hard for me to deal with all of the emotions. None of this is your fault and I hope that you can see this. I feel selfish for asking you to keep this issue of yours on the down low but I just don't know what else to do. We can talk one on one and hopefully I can get used to everything. This will be good for me. Maybe once I get comfortable with talking, I will be able to start dealing with hating hospitals...and flashbacks when I hear sirens.
I'm really happy you have been so understanding with this whole situation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Thank you for telling me what happened with your relative in exchange for me telling you about mine. I'm happy yours is doing well. Please just know that you are the lucky one. Please know you are very blessed. But please don't feel bad for me because I think things have happened the way they are meant to happen. Please don't look at me different. We can talk again sometime.

Sincerely,
The girl who dreams.

Blank Spaces

So as much as I feel like writing, I'm not going to lie when I say I really don't know what to say. Since the weather has changed, so has my mood. I am all around happier right now than I will ever be in the winter. There is just something about the sun being out that makes my mood make a 180.

[MY LIFE]

- I didn't finish student directing Moon Over Buffalo. I wanted to see my friends instead.
- Asa and I have been dating for 6 months. Crazzzzyyy shiiit right there.
- The Navy scares me more and more each day.
- 26 more days until I get out of the high school.
- I got accepted into my dream school Illinois Wesleyan University and almost peed my pants.
- I went to California over spring break with choir. Concert and Chamber choir got Gold 1st and the Women's choir got a Gold Rating and placed 4th.
- California is way too stressful when you go with a tour company and high school
- Spring break was awesome when I got home. We had a Jersey Shore party and had a pretty good time. :]
- Catherine's birthday was over break and she had a birthday fiesta. It was fun.
- School has been the most boring thing in my entire life and I want out so bad it isn't even funny.
- Choir Concert next week
- Broadway revue is coming up this month and I am so sore from dancing because I was an idiot and didn't stretch.
- I have started being much more positive, but with that came a great deal of being passive. I just don't care about things as much anymore.
- When Asa got back from Florida we hung out a ton and I spent Easter with his family. it was all fine and dandy until a topic of conversation came up that I didn't like and I had to leave the table.