Let's waste time...

Tonight I hung out with one of my very best friends Catherine. I felt like I hadn't seen her in so long and it was fantastic to be able to just talk and freak out and just laugh with her. We have a relationship like no other and she is a person in my life that I think I will be friends for a really long time if not forever. I love that we go so far back and that we can talk about so much. I never feel like I can't be myself around her and no matter how stupid I act she will always be there for me. She will be one of the people I will have a hard time leaving when college rolls around... But until then we will just continue chasing cars. :)

The Last Night

You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry,
I'm fine But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be
The last night away from me

[Bridge:]
The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on Tonight Tonight

[Chorus:]
This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything You need me to be

[Altro:]
I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night away from me
Away from me

"The Last Night" -Skillet

=]

Today I was genuinely happy. I really was. It was so nice to laugh as much as I did today. Thank you to the weekend, my cousins, and Stages.

<3

"What's wrong? You're not your peppy self today."

1: In 16 days my dad will be dead for 3 years. I can't believe how long it has been because it really feels like it's been an eternity. I think I might not go to school that day. This year it's been bothering me a lot earlier than last year. I'm not sure why but it has been on my mind a lot more. It's weird because not that many people really remember it or think about it on that day. My best friend really doesn't even know anything about it. No one really asks anymore or It has become old news to them. In reality, it really is old news but to me it's like just yesterday it is so important to me to care about it still. He has missed so much of my life and he will now be missing my senior year and then me graduating. I miss all of his support he used to give me and the love I used to feel. I miss his hugs and how he made me laugh. I am not the same person I was when he was alive at all and I still wonder everyday if he is proud of me regardless of the fact that people have told me he would be. He was my favorite person in my life and I think about him everyday. All the time people used to tell me to remember the good things rather than the bad. But I just can't do that. Those memories are the one's that are hard to remember--those are the one's that hurt. I have been told many times that I don't have to be over it now as well. Unfortunately I am stubborn and I think that I should be when in reality I am not and I HATE to admit it. I wish I would have listened to him when he tried to talk to me about death. I never let him. I just remember crying and running away saying "Dad, you aren't dying. Don't say that to me". Now I just wish I would have stayed to see. You see, my dad and I were really close and all I ever wanted was to be like him. I couldn't stand seeing my super hero fall. I just never thought that all of a sudden my life would change so dramatically--I thought he was going to be okay...

2: College is in the near future. I have been doing everything on my own. I am frustrated to know that my mother really doesn't give a shit. She says she cares and will interrogate me, but then when it comes to me asking questions or opinions it's all over. I will not get any help from her and I might as well accept it. We really don't talk and it's a waste of my time to even try to let her be involved. She talks to me like I am a useless piece of crap and threatens me at least once a day. It's always "You better do this or..." or "If this doesn't happen Stevie..." or "You're not too old to get smacked" or "You wont have a car if you...". You would think she doesn't fall through with some of these things, but sometimes she actually does. I have been hit by her this summer--not hard at all and I was completely unharmed. The point is that it happened. It hadn't happened since my dad put a stop to it a long time ago. Also, I'm sick of coming home to no one. Even if she is home, she is on the phone or sleeping. I might as well be by myself. If I can wake myself up everything and say goodnight to myself every night why does she even need to be there? I am having trouble getting her to pay for groceries now, so even money is out of the question. If things keep going the way they have been college will be all on me...and I have had other family members tell me that. This whole thing just makes me nervous and frustrated and annoyed. My feelings are just hurt about it and she doesn't care to hear my opinions on anything. Not even her stupid friend that she has been dating off and on for the last year.

3: There are a lot of family issues in the rest of my family. Those won't go online. .

4: My joints have been hurting and I have been really angry and feeling funny and just not right lately. I have no idea what's going on, but I really hope it ends soon. I hate it when people realize I am A) Upset B) In pain C) Thinking about something they know about. I just think I should be able to deal with everything on my own. Again, I'm stubborn.

5: School is coming up. I haven't done homework still. It's my fault for not having motivation. I have also been really busy. I can't stand the idea of school right now though with my mother. At the same time I am excited because of cool teachers, good classes, and working at stages some during my school day.

6: The high school theater department will be the end of me this year. I can't stand it, but I am already sucked in. So this is one of those situations where I can just say curse words and move on with my life. I am done with high school already and stupid high school students that I can't stand.

7: Now my head hurts.

Next to Normal

I am sitting here and I know exactly what I want to say but I don't know how to say it. I guess we'll just see what happens...

Tonight I got into a really deep conversation with my cousin. It all started with talking about how annoying our family is oddly enough. We talked about how different people are. I know that sounds so broad and simple, but it really was just us ripping apart the depth of people as much as we could with the time we had. In conclusion: there is nothing black and white about people.

It's always people saying "live for others", "live for yourself", "think about other people's problems", and "just think about you right now". In all reality all of those statements have a purpose and at some point they are correct. Everyone has problems and every one's problems are important regardless of how small. I know that sounds simple but in actuality it's harder to accept than you think. What's the first thing you see a rich girl mad about not getting her Prada shoes for the month. You think "well that girl shouldn't be so upset--it's JUST a pair of shoes. But now if you look at it, that might really be the biggest problem for that girl. As much as you think she is stupid you have to respect the fact that she does have an issue and she's upset. It's a different degree of a problem depending on the person. That might be a bad example but I'm hoping I got the point across.
Some people in this world are more naive than others and some people in this world lack substance. Those people-- I'm not going to lie-- I have a harder time being around. Not because they are not fun or I don't enjoy being with them, but because it's hard for me to get something out of them. I don't want that to sound horrible, I just don't know any other way to say it right now. Everyone has an opinion and it's hard to be around people who can't convey their opinion and they also sound uneducated. Opinions are really really powerful parts of everyday life. The whole world is completely judgemental in one way or another rather it be towards men, women, blacks, whites, gays, etc. If you think about it, when you read this you are making a judgement. There are a thousand million different opinions in this world about everything and about that many ways to share it. There are also, in my opinion, good ways to share it and not so good ways to share it. The point is that everyone deserves to be heard. It doesn't matter who you are--obviously at this point in my life I am kind of frustrated with the adults who don't take teenagers seriously because of their age. I think that many younger people have just as good educated opinions as adults, but maybe that's just me. It's totally fine for people to agree to disagree but everyone deserves to be heard. Tonight I noticed a lot of the feminist come out of me--it's been happening more and more since that trip to Wisconsin.
I am a people watcher. I love to just observe people and think about why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. I think it is so interesting. I think all of this I've written is just things that have been talked about before. Right now I just feel so strongly about them. People always catch my attention. There are different ways of dealing with different kinds of people and there are ways to be a certain kind of person. Introspective is a completely amazing thing once you can do it. Introspective is an examination of ones own thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Basically, it means you sit back and look at what you are doing and why you are doing it. It makes you who you are and helps you to see things from other peoples point of view. This is something I wish I was better at. I am working on it for sure but there are just some things that make me pop and not care about other people. Some people that say I am just like my mom or say something bad about my dad is one of them. Those are just things I am so emotionally attached to it doesn't matter who you are--there is a good chance I will be upset about it if things are not conveyed the right way. I am just the kind of person who gets emotionally attached to things really easily and so that is just a really touchy subject. Those are things I think about EVERYDAY. Those are things that you can't avoid and they are ALWAYS in the back of your head. It's the weirdest thing and it is very true. So when people say things about it I wont forget how it makes me feel. I love the quote by Maya Angelo that says people will not remember what you said or did. But they will always remember how you made them feel. That's why with people it is such a grey area. There is so much involved in one person that no one will know them completely. There is always that one secret that a person will not tell ANYONE. Because they just choose not to or they can't trust anyone with it. There are so many layers.
Let's just set this straight: I could go on and on for hours.
I will just leave you with this.